Is this a relapse??

[yogitea]

I'm worried about my long term partner.

He has been an alcoholic since he was early 20s until October 2021 when he stopped completely.

He has been low mood since a few months after he stopped.

Christmas 2021 when he was only a couple of months sober, his mum bought him beer 😡(she is alcoholic), he gave it to me. Then fast forward to this Christmas 2022, his mum made a trifle with a LOT of sherry soaked into it 😡and he ate it, think at first he didn't realise. On boxing day he started getting out recipe books and talking about cooking with some wine that has been in his house for years unopened. Said all the alcohol would cook out. But he didn't go ahead with it.

Fast forward to today and he actually did cook chicken with the wine. It was his birthday the other day which I think is significant. I told him I don't think it's a good idea but when he was definitely doing it, it had to be cooked for 2.5 hours at 80 degrees to get 95% of the alcohol out. He said google talks nonsense and he knows how to cook it out.

Hmm.

What do people think??

I am so sad. I never thought he'd actually stop and have been so happy since he did. I know the three c's, I can't control etc, but just wanted some other people's input.

[Zola1]

Have you spoken to him about your worry that this could be a relapse? Have you asked him about his sudden interest in cooking with alcohol and what that means for his abstinence? What does he say?

[yogitea]

@Zola1 Yes, I have spoken to him about it. I said to him last night that I don't think it is a good idea. He is stubborn in general and he just replied that he will cook it all out, he does not have an 'allergy' to it, he just stopped it because he thought it was causing him gout (it did, which has cleared up since he stopped).

I don't think so though. I think it started with the sherry in the trifle his fucking mother made. The very next day he was looking at recipes with alcohol in. It's obvious to me.

He has been really down (PAWS??) for ages and I think he has caved.

[CleaningOutMyCloset]

I think it's a very slippery slope

[tribpot]

I have to agree with @CleaningOutMyCloset . I wouldn't eat trifle or tiramisu because of the alcohol in it, I would avoid most things with alcohol cooked in as well.

WTF does him having an 'allergy' or not to alcohol have to do with the fact he is an alcoholic? It sounds like he has never come to terms with this, but stopped due to his gout? Now that's cleared up he may be trying to kid himself he was never an addict? That he could drink small amounts (perhaps just in cooking) and not end up on the slippery slope back to the bottom.

Has he ever described himself as an alcoholic to you? Did he get any help stopping drinking? I'm assuming he doesn't have a sponsor.

[tonystarksrighthand]

In the AA big book, an alcoholic is described as having an allergy to alcohol.

[yogitea]

@tribpot
I'm not sure if he has come to terms with being an alcoholic himself. He wouldn't admit it to me, but has said it in as many words, and since he stopped he has been very adverse to any kind of drinking, or people drinking.

He didn't get help to stop, no, and doesn't have a sponsor. He wouldn't do any of that.

I am kind of thinking, oh well, it was good whilst it lasted (his sobriety)

Is there anything I can do?? I guess not. I cajoled him for so many years, and then I finally realised that there was no point he had to do it for himself.

I know it's him who has done it, but I am so angry at his fucking mother. How could a mother do that. I don't drink in front of him, don't even use wine vinegar in cooking.

[IDontWantToBeAPie]

You do have to remember his mum didn't make him drink. She said what was in the food and HE decided to eat it anyway.

[yogitea]

@IDontWantToBeAPie She never said anything about what she had put in it. And she bought him beer 2 months after he stopped drinking.

I do of course know it is on him, but I am angry at her too.

[tribpot]

His mum isn't helping but it's his job to manage his sobriety. I find if I go out for dinner with friends they will quite often not order alcohol, I never ask them not to although I have in the past (during my early sober days) said it would be easier if they ordered beer rather than wine. With the trifle, he could have stopped after one spoonful when he realised it had alcohol in. (He could have realised ahead of time, it's not rocket science that trifle has sherry in it).

Why does he even have wine in the house? Can you suggest he gets rid of it?

I told him I don't think it's a good idea but when he was definitely doing it, it had to be cooked for 2.5 hours at 80 degrees to get 95% of the alcohol out.

You're falling into the trap of trying to police his alcohol use. It won't work. You know this from the cajoling you used to do.

I think all you can do is clearly express once that you are concerned that cooking with alcohol is the start of a slippery slope, you aren't going to harp on about it as it's his decision, but you are going to start attending Al anon meetings so you can get some support for yourself. (I'd like to link to Al Anon but I'm not sure it's one of those links which will cause my entire post to get hidden by MN, alanon dot org dot uk is for the families of alcoholics).

Ultimately you will need to decide if you can accept this, but that's not a decision you need to make today.

[CleaningOutMyCloset]

It’s like an ex smoker having one cigarette on a night out, and then convincing themselves they can have one when out, one leads to two, then before they know it, they are back on 20 a day

[tribpot]

Yep, I suspect he thinks it doesn't 'count' if it's alcohol cooked in food. And of course it is possible to cook off the alcohol as OP describes. But I don't understand why you would want to do it.

[yogitea]

@tribpot There have been 2 bottles of wine in his house for 2 years (his mum who he lives with got them as a gift. she's an alcoholic but drinks only super strength lager). I don't live with him even though we have been together a very long time. I guess that will now be one bottle.

Yes I found it really difficult not to show my upset today. We've only spoken on the phone. I think I will express my concern once like you say, and then leave it. There's nothing I can do.

I never went to Al-Anon before, but I might consider it now, thanks.

I don't know what I will decide. Our relationship is not going great anyway at the moment.