Feeling so embarrassed/awkward to say no I’m not drinking

[Pollypower]

I have quit alcohol in the past - longest time was 3 months and each time seem to return to it even harder than before.

not a daily drinking by any means - just a binge drinker and with a lot of reflection absolutely sick of the hangovers/anxiety/fear that follows my drinking. Also absolutely done with counting down til a Saturday evening when I can open the wine.

I have been sober for 3 weeks (I know early days). Calling it dry January but full intentions of extending it longer.

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed awkward however to say “I’ve stopped drinking”.

my OH is my drinking buddy. He doesn’t understand and already has called me boring. I can deal with that by just proving to him I’m not boring and can still enjoy myself.

the issue is other people. We don’t go out that much with friends but when we do it’s a heavy night. We have a party this weekend to attend with friends. I really would rather not go but aware that I’ll need to push myself outside my comfort zone if this is going to be a long term thing.

already friends are saying to me “come on! We hardly get to see each other just have a drink etc”. My excuse of dry Jan doesn’t seem to be enough.

it’s easier said than done to just not drink but this is a party I will have to endure for 4-5 hours.

OH has already said he won’t be leaving early because I’m not drinking and I also wouldn’t want him to.

im already struggling to see how it’s worth it. I’m now filled with dread for Saturday night and all the pressure I will get. Already OH has said even if you drove and decide to drink just leave the car.

previously I can always stop and be fine. I reap so many rewards and know I can’t continue the way I was. I can’t moderate despite feeling when I’m on a break that maybe this will change me.

I black out, I say things I regret, I neglect my children, I ruin my weekend with a hangover. There is so many reasons not to drink yet I already have the voice telling me it would be easier to drink to avoid the awkwardness I’ll feel on Saturday night.

I don’t want to not go either.

help.

Honestly, don't go. You need supportive people around you. Your friends and OH are clearly not.

But then what kind of life is that where I can’t go to see friends and spend my night with my OH.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

Would it be easier to tell people you've had to stop for health reasons?

I think your main problem is your OH, they are not supportive of your decision and will try to undermine it. Don’t think I’d be going.

Sometimes when you give up drinking, you need to give up your friends if they are this childish.

Most adults, when told, '"I'm not drinking," will just accept it and offer you a soft drink. The adults who want to make you drink are people to avoid. They're quite often people who drink a lot and dont like a mirror being held up to them.

It really is easy not to drink, I mean from a social side, if you are friends with adults rather than big children.

If your social group is very alcohol based then get a new social group and ditch the shitty partner.

Have you had a serious chat with your OH to say this is it, I’m not drinking anymore. How do they feel about it, do they seriously only want to be out with you if you’re drinking?

I would say your OH needs a serious talking to and if he still refuses to recognise and support you then you need to have a serious think about your relationship! I decent DH would support you in this decision, even if he is not participating. What he is doing is undermining your positive progress and refusing to show support which will eventually break you and your good progress.

You have very good reasons not to drink and you have done really well so far. I’m sorry your husband and friends aren’t being supportive. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and it’s totally up to you whether you drink or not. So don’t bow to any pressure. Just say you aren’t drinking. Honestly I hardly drink at all and really don’t care whether the people in with are drinking or not.

What they said, and also to say well done, I’d be pleased with myself to take such a wise decision and be able to hold your nerve and stick to it, you can say it proudly.

What a shame your OH is so unsupportive. Tbh if alcohol means so much to your friends and your OH they probably have their own issues to deal with. Have you read Jason Vale’s ‘Kick the Drink Easily’? He’s really good at deconstructing some of this nonsense and making you feel more empowered as a non drinker.

im ashamed to say I was the person that hated when someone wasn’t drinking so I completely understand! It was because for me I HAD to have alcohol to have fun. It’s definitely been a lightbulb moment that went off a few weeks ago.

over Christmas I had a heavy heavy night and whilst still drinking at 5am with friends in their living room and looking Round already feeling the hangover kicking in, knowing I have my kids to collect in the morning and wouldn’t be able to drive so would need to get a taxi to collect them. Then spent the full day on the couch absolutely dying whilst they entertained themselves.

I just thought that’s it. I’m not doing it anymore. I put the drink down, went to bed and before falling asleep starting crying (drunk) with the shame already kicking in.

so yeah I’m no better than them in fact I was probably worse and such an instigator. So I just feel so awkward going the opposite way, them no pressuring me and me not being able to handle it!

Is your OH a heavy drinker?

I would tell him you expect his support and that if he can’t offer it then you won’t go out with him.

If you don't want to deal with talking about it or having to make excuses then I would try not to make too big a deal of it. You've already told your friends I assume by text while planning for the weekend ahead, there's no need. Just go to the party, have soft drinks, don't make a drama out of it.

It’s such a shame people have to justify not drinking, when women say they are pregnant that’s ok, but to say you are not drinking for health reasons, people question you. I usually say I drank a lot the evening before, so cannot face anymore, that seems to work.

Have a plan.

What did you drink when you drank alcohol? Would a non alcoholic beer (get the 0% ones) be ok? Walking around with a bottle or glass would stop people automatically assuming you aren't drinking and might take the pressure of.

But then what kind of life is that where I can’t go to see friends and spend my night with my OH.

Congratulations on your non-drinking efforts. It isn't easy especially in social situations.

turn it round. What kind of "friends" pressure you to drink when you have clearly said you don't want to? Not the knd of "friends" I'd want to spend time with, tbh.

Your bigger problem is your OH. Married? Children? if you not drinking means he is going to call you boring, not want to go out with you, etc, how do you think this relationship is going to work. Have a good think about that, because this will be your life and you need to have control of it.

Do you have other people in your life who are supporting you in this?

What kind of friends are they if they sont respect your boundaries and try to force you to do something that makes you black out and neglect your children?

Contact your friends individually before the party. Say that this is really important to you and that, as dear friends you hope they will support you. You'll still be there - chatting, laughing, listening, telling stories, singing and dancing, just on nosecco rather than prosecco. Ask them 'do you think you can get on board with supporting me with this?'.

Ask your OH the same.

If they can't say yes I'd seriously not go and reconsider the relationships.

OP, do you know you will get pressure from friends, or are you guessing you will because drinking features a lot socially, and your DP has been a bit of dick?

I ask because I quit for a while. My DP was really supportive, but a lot of our friends drink a lot and was worried I'd get comments. What actually happened was people asked once, I said I needed to get my anxiety under control, was had quit. I got told well done, that's really good, and people bought me lemonade. People might well be more supportive than you think.

That said, if you are worried that you will cave, and start drinking again, just don't go. And bollocks to your DP if he gets funny about it, tell him if he wasn't being an unsupportive lump, you'd probably be happy to go. Stay home, plan something nice for yourself (movie, takeaway, good book, fancy new tea blend) have an early-ish night, bit of pamerping before bed, then wake up the next day fresh as a daisy and enjoy your hangover free Sunday.

Thanks all, I appreciate it.

we have young kids, are early thirties ourselves and met in our twenties. Our relationship did feature a lot of drinking so it will take time to get used to the new normal.

he can be a bigger drinker than me but seems to handle it better in terms of what he does/says and hangovers so can’t really relate to the same level.

I think you'll find by the time everyone else has had a few, say after 90minutes, they'll completely forget you aren't drinking, will be talking absolute rubbish at about 2 hours and you'll be ready to go home at 10.30/11 as they'll be really irritating. You'll get home, have an early night (your DH can get a cab) and be up fresh in the morning.

It's that first couple of drinks that's the bit to get past...you could always have something that looks like a drink so no one realises and pesters you.

But keep on with it. It's something you have decided for you that you want to do. So your DH doesn't have to be supportive just not sabotage you.

I black out, I say things I regret, I neglect my children, I ruin my weekend with a hangover.

But what kind of life is this?

I haven't drank alcohol in 4 years and people get used to it. It's not other people dealing with the fallout from your life, the hangover, the neglect, the sickness, the shame. Once the party is over, everyone goes home and its you that has to pick up the pieces. My husband wasn't too happy when I stopped drinking but you know what, he now drinks far less. Alcohol is bandage, its slavery and you do not have to live like that. Do not be swayed by other people. Be firm within yourself that it is not worth it and people will sense your resolve and back off.

Not drinking opens a world of feeling healthy, free, liberated, clear headed, no shame. You arent missing anything worth having, and just need to really understand this.

You're absolutely making the right decision. Alcohol was ruling your life - ruining it, too. It was affecting the way you were with your children and under the influence you did things you wouldn't normally do.

I think you need to be prepared to make some new friends - not lose the old, but have other friends who give you strength rather than encourage you to be weak. Don't forget that if you are sober your OH and your husband see you as standing in judgement on them - obviously you're not, but that's how they will see it. You need some new friends to help you stay strong.

Do you have any interests or hobbies that you'd like to take up now? Would you consider going to the gym in the evenings? A night class (if they still exist?!)

I think your biggest problem is going to be your partner. Do you like him when he's drunk?

i agree :)

Well done you. Alcohol is an insidious drug, fully accepted in our society, and there are many, many people who are damaging themselves and their families through drinking too much --- and you're no longer one of them! Again, well done!

There are many blogs and websites from people who have stopped drinking and if you read some of them, they might have handy hints for pushing back against the pressure that other people might apply to you. Sobersistas and sobergirlsociety come to mind - there are many more.

"Dry january" won't work with people who feel threatened by your non-drinking as it's still a choice, and they don't want to have to face the fact that they aren't making the same (wise) choice as you. It's also an excuse that will run out in 2 weeks time!

If you do go to this party (and it doesn't sound as though it will be much fun for you), I'd suggest that you offer to drive - then you can't drink and hopefully people will respect that. I'd also make sure you've always got a glass of something in your hand - it could be tapwater, just something to put people off! And there's always the "I'm on antibiotics" excuse for short term (say it's metronidazole for a dental infection, you can't drink with those).

Good luck and yet again, well done.

I gave up 7 years ago, like you it was dry January, which I decided to carry on with as I enjoyed no hangovers, anxiety, feeling fresh every day. Honestly, yes, it was hard work as I was always the life and soul of the party, so it was always mentioned, called boring blah blah, and it lasted quite a while. I just ignored it and just kept saying I don't want to drink anymore and explained how much better I feel, etc. I still went out and had fun and just refused a drink and ignored any comments. It was annoying and made me feel self-conscious, but it was worth it. Eventually, everyone got used to it and now never mentioned it. It's honestly the best thing I've ever done. Life for me changed so much. I have so many hobbies and more interesting things in my life now I don't drink. I would read This Naked Mind if you haven't already, great book about giving up drinking.