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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Are we enabling adult son’s drinking?

24 replies

ODgh34 · 12/01/2023 11:21

I will try to keep this brief. Have NC.

I have an adult son who is married with young children. Over the past few years he has been struggling with alcohol addiction. This year he lost his licence after being caught drink driving. Thankfully no-one was hurt.

My husband and I have been trying to support him and his wife, who works full time and now is the only driver, by dropping the children to school and taking our son to work.
We also take our son to the shops if he needs anything. I feel if we didn't help out in this way the pressure would fall to our daughter-in-law, and she is going through enough already.

There is a shop in our village which sells groceries but not alcohol; however, our son has been asking for lifts to the next village over, which has a bigger shop which happens to have an off licence in it. He asks us to take him there to buy groceries but I suspect the real reason he doesn't ask for a lift to the local shop is simply to buy alcohol and hide it among the other things.

Myself and my husband don't know how to deal with this; we don't mind helping our son get essentials in the hopes that eventually he will get back on his feet, but if we are driving him somewhere where he will then buy alcohol, it seems like we are enabling him.

My son is very much in denial about his drinking so if questioned about any of this he will act shocked, or get angry, that we could even think he is going there simply to buy alcohol. He will make up some excuse as to why he needs to go to the bigger shop.

This is just one of many issues that his drinking has brought up. Myself and my husband are in our 70s and we just want to help if we can, but seeing what his drinking is doing to our daughter in law and the children is heartbreaking. We don't want to enable him further.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this, or I suppose coping with an adult child who has an alcohol problem generally, I would appreciate it.

Please be kind.

OP posts:

PeekAtYou · 12/01/2023 11:25

Bigger shops have more choice and are often cheaper than the smaller ones.

Back to your dilemma, you could suggest that he does his grocery shopping online and has it delivered? If it's delivered for when his wife isn't at home then she'll have to check the receipt for alcohol but it might save time and worry for you.

paintitallover · 12/01/2023 11:33

I'd give the money to her to buy food. Never trust an alcoholic in need of money for alcohol.

Original poster

ODgh34 · 12/01/2023 11:45

I believe they do get their weekly groceries delivered, this will be for top up things like a pint of milk, loaf of bread, or something for his lunch that my son asks for a lift to the shop to get - but he can get those things in the smaller shop. If asked he will say as you have noted above, there is more choice.

We don’t buy the groceries for him, just give him a lift to the shop, but wait in the car so don’t go in with him.

OP posts:

paintitallover · 12/01/2023 11:51

We'll say no then. I would, in that instance. If you think he is getting alcohol it is enabling.

Redblanky · 12/01/2023 11:52

ODgh34 · 12/01/2023 11:45

We don’t buy the groceries for him, just give him a lift to the shop, but wait in the car so don’t go in with him.

I wouldn't be supporting that at all TBH. If they're having groceries delivered there will always be something in, he wont starve. If he wants something else he can walk to the local shop. Unless DIL is saying they need bread or milk, then I'd just go and get it. He doesn't need to come at all if you're driving.

I think what you're doing with the children and trying to support DIL is admirable, but that is a step too far IMO and yes, is probably all about him getting booze.

Redblanky · 12/01/2023 11:54

I'd also be expecting him to find another way to get to work. How far is it? Bike? This is his doing, it has to put him out as well as everyone else.

Original poster

ODgh34 · 12/01/2023 12:02

Redblanky · 12/01/2023 11:54

I'd also be expecting him to find another way to get to work. How far is it? Bike? This is his doing, it has to put him out as well as everyone else.

Thank you for your reply, this is what my other adult children think too. It’s just difficult, I go to his house anyway in the morning to get the children, and he’ll ask for a lift then. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:

Ochre7 · 12/01/2023 12:06

In my experience with an alcoholic family member I would advise that the bigger shop has nothing to do with more choice etc and everything to do with the accessibility of alcohol. Agree online shopping ( by someone other than the person drinking) may be helpful but the main issue is that he needs professional input regarding his drinking. Acting shocked/ angry is just to deflect/ make you question yourselves and part of the denial. There are several well known organisations specialising in treating alcoholism, with the best will in the world you are enabling & you won't be able to 'fix' this problem yourselves.Sending you best wishes, it's a very difficult & complicated issue.

Justcallmebebes · 12/01/2023 12:08

I would suggest you contact your nearest Al Anon group. They're a very friendly bunch and you'll get a lot of advice and support from people going through the same or similar.

It's a difficult position because of course you love your son and want to support the family but if he's not facing any consequences for his actions, he's not going to learn.

Good luck OP

inappropriateraspberry · 12/01/2023 12:25

Can you take your daughter in law to the shops instead? If it's a top up shop, surely she is capable of doing it and then there will def be no alcohol bought.

inappropriateraspberry · 12/01/2023 12:26

I would also refuse all lifts to work or anywhere else. He needs to take responsibility for the choices he has made and sort it out himself.

serene12 · 12/01/2023 12:29

I think that you need support for yourselves and your daughter in law. www.al-anon.org.uk is for the families and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope, if they have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Original poster

ODgh34 · 12/01/2023 12:47

inappropriateraspberry · 12/01/2023 12:25

Can you take your daughter in law to the shops instead? If it's a top up shop, surely she is capable of doing it and then there will def be no alcohol bought.

My daughter in law drives, but she is usually away at work in the city all day (leaves early and is back late which is why we offered to help with the children’s school runs etc), whereas my son is self employed and works nearby. He’ll make these requests for lifts to the shop at lunch time etc.
His drinking is also affecting his business which is one of the many other issues I mentioned 😞
Thank you all for the replies and advice. I know what you all say is right but it’s not easy.

OP posts:

hmmmintereting · 12/01/2023 12:59

You suspect that he buys booze, but you don't know for sure. Go into the shop with him next time. When you know for sure, you should confront this head on. You're not prepared to enable his drinking and he shouldn't put you in this position.

Greatly · 12/01/2023 13:01

Ochre7 · 12/01/2023 12:06

👆👆👆

this.

Happygone · 12/01/2023 14:59

Go in with him.

Redblanky · 12/01/2023 15:07

I don't think it's about a sandwich when a grown man is asking his mum to come and pick him up from work and take him to the shop at lunchtime 😥

Nousernamesleftatall · 12/01/2023 15:15

Yes I think he is buying alcohol.

Fair enough to help with the children but you shouldn't be driving him to the shops for a sandwich ever. Alcoholics are incredibly selfish.

MadeForThis · 12/01/2023 15:18

He's buying alcohol.

He has had no consequences for his actions. He won't stop until he hits some kind of rock bottom.

Is he getting help? An alcoholic doesn't just stop.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 12/01/2023 15:25

Tell him that you need to cut down on the amount of driving around you're doing and that if he needs milk or bread you'll drop it off to him, rather than picking him up and taking him to the shops.

Or buy them a small freezer for those kind of things - we're a mile and a half from a shop and I get tonnes of bread and milk in our online shopping and freeze it.

Those are ways to help your DIL without driving your son to the shop to buy booze, which is of course what he is doing.

I second Al-Anon and think you should go with DIL actually. I commend you for sticking by her and trying to support her, but you are currently enabling and it has to stop.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2023 15:26

You're protecting him from his rock bottom,both practically and emotionally.

I'm so sorry because that's hard. Talk to al-anon and think about how to have an honest conversation. All the rest flows from there. You can then say why you won't go to the big shop, say why you think he should make his own way to work and so on.

All the anger and shock is just denial and deflection. I saw it 100 times a day when I worked in treatment. Coffee cups flying across the room then a counsellor would say, "OK nice try, we're still talking about this because for that anger to come out, it's obviously important".

Ragruggers · 12/01/2023 15:35

I have been in your position sadly it didn’t end well.After a drink driving offence he was offered counselling and help.This didn’t help as he was n denial over the drinking and became very angry.There was no money for the children as he spent it all.Debt followed by eviction.We helped our DIL and the children began a new life.He has not seen the children for 10 years his choice..Unless your son really wants to help himself there is no help.I am sorry but being truthful.Alcoholics know every trick in the book.

2023forme · 12/01/2023 20:35

@ODgh34 Im sorry this is happening in your family 💐

Im the drinker in our family. There is no one more sneaky than an addict. He is buying alcohol but even if you stop giving him lifts, he will find another way. Sorry.

I agree you need to be honest with him. “DS, we believe you are asking for lifts to buy alcohol. We can no longer facilitate this so won’t be giving any more lifts”. But be prepared for the back lash from him.

you can support DIL and DGC by helping with child care etc and supporting her emotionally. Sadly until he wants help and shows a desire to quit, it may also involve supporting her as a “lone” parent.

I have put my family through so much hell and it is a miracle I’ve not been thrown out the house to be honest. I’m only 5 days sober this time round but this really is my last chance.

you sound like wonderful people put in an awful situation. I hope your DS can admit he has a problem and get help.

tribpot · 12/01/2023 20:53

Over the past few years he has been struggling with alcohol addiction
Actually I think everyone else has been struggling with his alcohol addiction - he's been having a fine old time whilst everyone else cleans up his mess.

I completely understand why you want to lessen the load on your daughter-in-law, although I think she needs to question why she is still living with an active alcoholic who clearly has no intention (yet) of changing. I understand why you are tiptoeing around your son, avoiding the obvious steps like saying 'I'm sorry, we won't take you to the big shop as we believe you want to go there to buy alcohol' for fear of making him worse. But it is his choice to drink. Everyone else's choice is how they decide to deal with that.

I would echo previous posters that you badly need the support of Al Anon, to help you learn how to 'detach with love'. You can't fix this problem. And he certainly won't whilst everyone is running around covering up for him. For the time being, I would focus on building up your own support network and plan how you want to change your own behaviour, before tackling him on the matter of these supermarket trips.

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