Mum's drinking - this is harmful, right?

[HettyMeg]

My mum is in her late 60s and I believe she drinks wine every night. She lives alone so I can't be sure. She keeps a box of wine in the fridge at all times and she will fill a wine glass to the brim and drink it like juice when she gets in from work before she has taken her coat off, as she is preparing her dinner and then have more later. I'm in my 30s and I remember this being the case since I was a teenager. If I speak to her on the phone after about 8.30pm she usually sounds pissed, sometimes slurring a bit and can sometimes be argumentative and/or forgetful. Then the next day I can be speaking to her again and she doesn't remember details of the conversation. She works full time and makes it to work & her commitments, but I fear that drinking has become more than a bad habit for her. I have commented on it previously but tried to do it in a light touch way as I don't want her to get defensive. I have brought it up a few times in the past few years. Reactions range from agreeing she drinks too much to telling me I'm unkind and negative towards her. As I'm her only child and she is divorced, I fear nobody else notices this and I am genuinely concerned about her health. Does anyone have any advice on how to speak to someone about harmful drinking?

Personally, I wouldn't bother. She knows. She won't do anything about it unless she wants to, it has to come from her and ultimately it's not your responsibility, difficult though that is to accept. Help is only help if it's wanted.

Yes, to answer your question, it is harmful. I doubt you can do anything about it though. She will have to decide herself that it’s a problem and then choose to address it. You trying to talk to her about it won’t make the slightest difference. It’s the nature of the condition. It sounds like she is a functioning alcoholic.

It's really difficult, I totally agree that they need to be ready themselves to listen/want to change/even accept they have a problem. I'm an ex drinker myself. The thing I'd suggest as I can see you want to help is to say to her how much help is out there, it's not just AA now (which puts people off from what I've heard). For example I found quit lit changed my view of alcohol, books like the Alcohol Experiment, Alcohol Explained, Alcohol lied to me. There's a really good thread on the board too for people who have given up/want to give up. I've heard people talk about SMART recovery meetings too (on line). She might not be ready yet but to know there's lots of different options for help may be good for when (hopefully) she is ready.

Thanks all for your responses. The thing is I'm worried she doesn't know. Like, because she's not drinking a bottle of vodka in the morning she doesn't see it as harmful?

Because I've been thinking about it more recently, it's made me aware of how she can become argumentative at night, sending a*ey texts etc. It's causing issues in our relationship.

@Nevertoomanyfluffies thank you so much for these suggestions. I think at the moment she would just be so defensive if I mentioned anything you've said. However if it came from a GP / friend outwith the family unit I honestly think she'd be mortified into action...

Just to add to what I've said above, she stayed with friends recently and she didn't seem to pick any fights with me while there. I'm convinced she wasn't drinking there with the exception of a glass at the occasional dinner as she was worried about how it would look (she's very concerned with other people's views of her outside of the family)

She will know, but she will be in a state of wilful denial. Unfortunately other people’s comments won’t usually make a dent in the behaviour of a a functioning alcoholic.

This is the perfect description of my dad so I’m following with interest.

my mum has spoke to him about AA offered support etc and it is all ignored. He can now become nasty and in my opinion is verbally and emotionally abusive to my mum. I am sorry to hear your mum is behaving similarly to you

I have a couple of observations. Firstly, she is still working, late 60s. That's intense. Probably not the way she thought her life would go. Secondly, she's single. Again, not what she'd planned when she was in her 20s.

I'm your mum, but 10 years younger. I am coherent all of the time. But I drink alone. I always said I would never drink alone, but that's easy when you are in a relationship ! Once you are on your own, who else can you share a drink with, on a normal basis ? (I'm not suggesting I should go out-out all the time just so I can justify that shared drinking experience).

Don't try and control her. She will know full well what she is doing. It's probably a combination of loneliness and couldn't give a fuckness.

I sometimes think there's no point worrying about my alcohol intake because I have no dependents, and there's no one who particularly cares for me, directly. I know my family and friends care, but I am never their number one priority. So it rests with me to care, and sometimes I'm too exhausted to.

I think she sounds lonely and unhappy. I think those are things I would try to tackle with her first rather than focusing on alcohol.