My partner of nearly 15 years has been drinking in secret. He quite often has a beer or two openly, or will bring home some wine which he'll leave on the kitchen bench and help himself to over an evening (or sometimes two evenings).
However, he quite often appears more tipsy than he normally would after just one or two drinks. Sometimes he conks out snoring on the sofa, leaving me to put the kids in bed, tidy up etc... and eventually he will wake up and stumble off to bed. I've found bottles of gin, rum, vodka, brandy, whiskey around the house.
If we need to pop to the shops to get some milk.or something, he'll always insist on going. Invariably he will come home tipsy. Or he'll disappear upstairs for a bit and then when he comes back downstairs he'll be slurring and a bit unsteady on his feet. This happens several times a week. I've gone upstairs to find him hurriedly closing a cupboard, only to peek in when he's gone and discover a bottle.
An empty bottle of whiskey hit me on the head when I opened a cupboard above the wardrobe once, and I found some empty bottles in the airing cupboard when I was putting towels away recently. I've also found empty liquor bottles shoved between the children's games in the living room, down the side of the sofa, and under the bed. In the car I have found mini bottles of whiskey and vodka in the side pockets, and even under the bushes outside the front door. I picked one up out of the car door in front of him one day, and said 'is this yours?' and he said he'd found it on the driveway and picked it up meaning to put it in the bin later...
I've also found mini bottles when emptying the bedroom bins.
A couple of months ago he arrived home at 5.30pm staggering slightly and slurring his words. When I asked if he'd had drinks after work he said he'd only had one. He was quite obviously under the influence of a lot more than one! He walked into the living room where my 10yr old was playing his guitar. A few moments later my son called out 'Mum - Dad's been sick!' I ran in to find my partner with vomit down his front, cheeks puffed out obviously trying to hold the rest in, and trying to open the back door (which was clearly locked). He was so drunk he couldn't seem to understand the door was locked. I got him in the bathroom and cleaned everything up, and by 6pm he was fast asleep in bed snoring away like he only does when he's really wasted.
I picked up his bag, jacket and his phone which he'd dropped on the floor, and an empty bottle of brandy fell out of the open bag. The lid was loose. He'd clearly bought it on the way home and necked it. The next day I mentioned how drunk he'd seemed, and he claimed he'd eaten some dodgy prawns.
I'm need to talk to him about his drinking and how it is affecting me, but I'm scared he'll turn it around and accuse me of snooping, or worse accuse me of over-reacting. He always plays down his drinking, he always denies things, and I worry he will get defensive. Plus he is very good at arguing.
At times I've questioned myself, wondering whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and perhaps it isn't that bad...? The self-doubt is driving me nuts.
There are other issues in our relationship, and I've been wanting to leave for some years. I have a part-time job, but I don't earn enough to support myself and my kids. Separating will be awful for the kids, and I'm dreading doing that to them, but I'm so so miserable and I just don't want to be with my partner anymore.
I'm trying to save to buy a car and I'm also taking on more work so that I have enough income so that I can leave him. But in the meantime I'm hating the tension in the air, the lying and the secrecy. It's really stressful. My family live in another country. My partner is extremely close to his family, who always support him and think he can do no wrong...
He works in a high-paid, very stressful job.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of situation with a partner secretly drinking? I'd welcome any advice.