Alcoholic son

[Whosaidthattt]

I am so worried about my 19 year old son and his drinking. His flatmates have kicked him out and no longer want to live with him, so he is back home. They said he was drinking from lunchtime most days and was very drunk by evening. He has been verbally abusive to them and had cut himself off from them (they are at uni in a shared house).
We are battling with him every day about drink and have to police him constantly. He says if we were not around, he would drink in the day.
He has a younger sibling who is seeing this and is quite frightened.
Christmas is going to be awful. He does not want to stop and won't consider going to AA. We are at our wits end.
I have booked him in to see the GP but he says he is not going to go.
I can't help but feel ashamed when I look at him. He has really let himself go. He is not showering or changing his clothes.
I am devastated and don't know where to turn. ☹

Is your son working? If not, I would encourage him to get a job - in fact, at his age he should be either in education or in a job. It's your house, your rules so you are within your rights to say no drinking at home, and to tell him if he wants to continue living there he has to go to the GP or find somewhere else to live. If his flatmates (his age presumably?) have kicked him out, he must have behaved unacceptably there. Maybe therapy to help him get to the root of why he is doing this?

Unfortunately, his flat-mates have the right idea but I appreciate it is too soon for you to contemplate throwing him out of your house. I fear it will come to that in order to protect your younger child.

I would cancel the GP appointment; if he doesn't consent to discuss his problem with the GP, the GP can't do anything.

Focus on what you can do for yourself. You can attend Al Anon, this is the organisation for families of problem drinkers. This is the companion to the book that really helped me when I stopped drinking, it will be well worth a read.

Does his uni have a drugs/alcohol counselling service or similar? I can see my old uni's helpline offers addiction advice.

However, the fundamental problem is that he has to want it. Nothing will help until he reaches that point. I assume he has some income from the student loan and he is using this to finance his alcohol problem? I honestly don't think the policing will work, and is probably only adding to the stress.

This is an American site so some of the references to local support aren't relevant but a lot of it rings true. Have a google for alcohol support services in your area - again, I can see here in Leeds that Carers Leeds has a service for people affected by another person's alcohol use. Hopefully there is something similar near you.

Thanks to both of you for your replies. He did not attend the uni counselling session we booked- he 'forgot'. I expect he was already drinking/drunk so did not go.
Our house is so tense. I really am dreading Christmas and the thought of being with him 24/7, as it is so draining.
We usually have friends around over xmas for drinks. That won't be happening this year- we will be having a dry one. We have turned down 2 party invites as we cannot trust him to stay sober with his brother.
I feel so upset that he cannot see what he is doing to our family.

What an awful situation for you. Unfortunately, he won’t address this until he reaches his own rock bottom and it’s hard to predict when that will be. In the meantime try to minimise the harms. Ensure he has no access to a vehicle and maybe consider going to your GP anyway to discuss support for you and your family, especially your other child.

How is he getting money to buy the alcohol?

I am sorry you are going through this op. I second the pp’s suggestion of Al Anon. You will get help and support there.