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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Supporting a friend who doesn’t want to go to AA

12 replies

Appraiser · 09/12/2022 09:27

A friend of mine has previously shared he’s a (functioning) alcoholic and was sober for several months but covid hit, and he started drinking again. I don’t know the level of drinking involved - we are not hugely close (think a friend from a hobby) but I have had some good conversations with him in the past about his struggles. I could definitely tell that he was drinking again and not in a place to stop, but also that he was unhappy with it all.

He has messaged me saying he is sharing with me (confidentially) that he’s got a problem and wants to stop. I’ve said I’ll go to an AA meeting with him but due to his job he’s really worried about confidentiality.

He’s looking online for support but not finding much.

How can I support him without AA? Does anyone have any online resources that would help me to help him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Appraiser · 09/12/2022 15:18

Afternoon bump

OP posts:

Calphurnia · 09/12/2022 15:33

AA is confidential. There's lots of us professionals go.

He could also try looking at SMART Recovery, either online or live meetings.

Or contacting his local Addiction and Recovery service.

Don't offer more than you can comfortably do. Supporting someone with an active addiction is exhausting emotionally.

DM me if you like. Good luck

Lovetotravel123 · 09/12/2022 16:54

There should be AA meetings available online and it is all fully confidential. The real reason might actually be that he is scared, which is natural. It’s a big step.

He could try reading This Naked Mind and listening to the One for the Road podcast.

Original poster

Appraiser · 09/12/2022 20:53

Thanks @Calphurnia and @Lovetotravel123

I have told him AA is completely confidential (they pride themselves on it). I think due to his job he’s terrified of seeing someone he knows.

Had a quick look at SMART recovery and unfortunately no meetings in the area, and online ones seems to be for other things (prescription drugs, women only etc)

I have ordered that book for him. I’ll see him this weekend so will see him in person.

thank you again.

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MichaelFabricantWig · 11/12/2022 19:59

Group/community is so important for support in ditching booze IMO. I didn’t go to AA either (not my thing for many reasons) but read a lot of quit lit and joined a lot of online groups. The risk in all community/group support is meeting someone you know. At the end of the day everyone else is there presumably because they have an alcohol abuse problem too. But maybe doing an AA meeting online or a distance away may help.

brightspice · 13/12/2022 21:57

It depends what kind of help your friend needs. If he is drinking to avoid physical withdrawal symptoms, my advice would be for him to see a GP.

I know many people swear by AA. And many others who said it wasn't for them.

Do you also know who his drinking goals are? Does he want to quit entirely or just cut back? I coach people on stopping overdrinking but mention that only to say I run sessions, masterclasses etc for moderation.org. They are a really supportive bunch. They hold online meetings where confidentiality is respected (you don't have to have the camera on) and there is ZERO judgement, they have loads of online resources and they run a generally highly supportive Facebook group. It's possible to interact in their Facebook group anonymously too. There's such a good, strong supportive vibe which includes people who want to give up, those who want to moderate and those who aren't sure but know something has to change.

Happy to answer questions.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/12/2022 22:08

There was a program on TV this week about Alcoholics Anonymous. You wouldn't be allowed to go in with him. That's the whole point!

FusionChefGeoff · 13/12/2022 22:15

Some groups hold open meetings where you CAN go in but they usually announce it at the beginning

Original poster

Appraiser · 13/12/2022 23:23

brightspice · 13/12/2022 21:57

It depends what kind of help your friend needs. If he is drinking to avoid physical withdrawal symptoms, my advice would be for him to see a GP.

I know many people swear by AA. And many others who said it wasn't for them.

Happy to answer questions.

That’s really helpful @brightspice
I suspect he’ll like the idea of a camera off, online meeting.

Currently, he’s stating he wants to stop entirely but only had this on text. I didn’t see him this last weekend as planned, so not had the chance to speak to him.

I have brought him that book a PP mentioned, and I want to see where his head is at in terms of AA, and if he’s considered his GP too (hadn’t thought of that).

thank you again

OP posts:

Wronglane · 13/12/2022 23:24

Why is he asking you - someone he doesn’t know very well - for help.be careful

Mortimermay · 13/12/2022 23:41

You've had some great advice here. There are lots of podcasts out there and AA and Smart Recovery do offer online groups. In terms of confidentiality, he may want to think about that. If he needs medication due to withdrawals or cravings and has to see his GP then that will be on his medical records - this can be off putting for a lot of people so he needs to consider how he will manage that. As someone else said, if someone recognises him at a meeting then it's because they are also there for support so they're unlikely to be inappropriately broadcasting that they saw him there. The advice of finding a local alcohol and drugs organisation is a good one as they will be able to provide support, refer into services if and when needed for medication and he may feel more comfortable disclosing information within their confidentiality procedures rather than to the NHS initially.
The others are right to say that you need to be careful how involved you become in this. It's great that you are providing support but please make sure you don't become his only support. He needs to access professional and community support if he is going to tackle this and that is his responsibility, not yours. I say that kindly because I have seen many people who are fighting for services and support for someone they care about but the person themselves isn't instigating any of it. It doesn't end well for anyone.

Original poster

Appraiser · 14/12/2022 07:07

@Mortimermay @Wronglane Thank you. I am definitely listening to your advice as you’ve both said the same thing about him leaning to much on me. I’m holding back on context as this isn’t anonymous for me on this forum, but he’s lent on me in the past with regards his depression (due to my job) and I had a suspicion it was drink related and we’d got talking about a friend of mine who’s an alcoholic so have helped him in the past. His wife knows too and I know her (again not seen her since his text).

I must admit his timing is way off for me. I’m not in a great place myself right now and he knows that, so he’s added to my (already) full cup in terms of being able to support him. I have boundaries in place because of this. I think he may have told me so that I don’t think he’s flaked on me (him and his wife have been a support to me recently); maybe, or to obviously advise he’s going through shit too and it’s so I know.

My original post was me thinking, shit, I don’t know how to support him if he’s declining AA so the alternative recommendations are helpful, but stored in my brain as opposed to me actively helping him IYSWIM.

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