Husband may be a functioning alcoholic?

[Scottishbluee]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill (not directly due to alcohol but it’s definitely a contributor) and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less. He also did not tell the gp how much he drinks and said “no one tells the truth”

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

My advice is that your life will be a thousand times happier away from him. I spent far too many years with my alcoholic partner. I wish I had been strong enough to leave years before I did.

His primary relationship is with the booze. He’s not capable of being a decent partner and parent. Al Anon can help you. But he clearly doesn’t want to stop drinking. So your only choice is how you will respond. I would separate. You don’t want your child growing up to think this is normal. So sorry.

It doesn’t matter whether he fits the definition of an “alcoholic”, functioning or not.

His drinking is clearly having an impact on your life, so the question is what do you want to do about that?

You won’t be able to persuade him to stop, so don’t waste your breath trying to convince him one way or another. All you can do is tell him how it makes you feel, and then it’s up to him what he does with that information.

This time last year I was in a dreadful place with alcohol. I knew I needed to do something but I didn’t believe I could. One night DH was in tears because he told me he was dreading Christmas with me. That on its own wasn’t enough to make me stop, but it was a big factor in me facing up to the issue, and I’m nearly 8 months sober now.

You need to make yourself and DC the priority in your life because it’s sounds like (for now) alcohol is your husband’s priority. Only you know what that looks like. Please get support where you can - if you tell family how it makes you feel, then that will be harder for them to laugh off.

Al-Anon meetings are your first support - people will say to leave but it might take a while for you to be able to do this - especially with a young child. In the meantime - and that means in this day, right now, you need support.

www.stepchat.com/phone/

There are Al-Anon meetings on line here and if you go into the main group you can ask a bit more about it and the wise folk there can point you to resources that will help you regain your own sanity and peace of mind.

Take the focus off him and start thinking about yourself. Right now whether he means to be or not, he's an energy vampire. All your energy is compensating for his lack of self awareness. Many of us try to get the alcoholic to stop drinking. This backfires and causes us pain, grief, suffering.

You cannot change him or his behaviour.
He will only change if/when he decides to do so.
In other words, if and when he realises that it is in HIS interest to stop drinking.

That's the long and the short of it.
The only thing YOU can do is decide how you choose to use this information.

I could have written this. You cannot solve his drinking OP.

He is a good father, he helps out with our son, gets up on a morning and helps get him ready etc. he knows if the drinking meant he stopped doing these things I would be furious. However I just feel so lonely as on an evening and weekend he is drunk. I hate sleeping next to someone stinking of booze. I don’t know. I think I’ve convinced myself
its not as much of a problem as it is.

It is a problem and alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease.
A good father doesn't put their relationship with alcohol before their family.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life lonely and bored and sleeping next to someone stinking of booze?
He clearly doesn't want to /can't / isn't ready to change. If he was, he wouldn't say things like 'everyone lies to the doctor.'

I know you're not ready to hear this yet, but this will unlikely end well.
Honestly, think about what you get out of this relationship and what you deserve.

Op, as pps have said, please go to Al Anon. You will find help and support there from people who have been through/ are going through the same thing.

Also, your family will have noticed, and will see it as a problem. But you are minimising it, so they aren't going to make a fuss. What can they do?! Until you leave, or talk to them about making plans to leave, why would they do anything except laugh it off.

Yes. For once I agree with a post on a thread about heavy drinking. I work with people who are dealing with addiction and we accept that the problem belongs to the person who is unhappy about the addiction, and this is not always the addict. Many addicts (we actually call them people experiencing substance abuse disorder ) are perfectly happy to stick with their habits while those in their lives te unhappy about it. So the questions are: what do you want? What can you do about it?

Firstly you need to accept that you cannot change your partner’s drinking habits. So you either accept it or you make changes to the extent that his drinking has a much reduced impact on you.It may be as little as deciding to live with it, or it may as extreme as divorcing him.

You don’t need to work through this on your own. A lot of people have been through what you are experiencing and offer support via therapy groups. Maybe try popping along to an AA meeting or to an alcohol harm reduction service.

There is a lot of grief attached to giving up the dream of a substance-free relationship but ultimately you will get through it and you will be much stronger for it.

He clearly loves his son, and in some ways, is a caring and responsible father. However, a 'good' father shouldn't be drunk in charge of his son.

As pp have said, this illness is progressive and deterioration can be swift and easily triggered. You can talk to him and try to work together on this, but ultimately it is his addiction and will always be, even when he is sober. Recovery is possible - absolutely it is - but it needs to be his journey to recovery. The road may be rocky in between.

Good luck OP. It's very hard - take care of your own mental health along the way x

@Scottishbluee - right now, you are not yet ready to leave, but it seems that there are two issues that make your life unbearable: your loneliness and having to sleep next to him and smell his foul, boozy breath.

Can you sleep in a spare room or even in the living room? You never know, perhaps this might serve as a wake up call for him...

As for your loneliness: create a life that doesn't depend on him for sustenance. Go out with friends, go to concerts, theater (alone is fine - I do it all the time), go to the gym or work out at home, follow a hobby, go to Meetup groups, start running, try painting....... whatever floats your boat.

Yes, it's kind of sad, because you didn’t get married to have to live your life without him, but this is the time to put on your oxygen mask first and do what you can to live a rewarding and fulfilling life.💐

Thank you everyone. I think I thought when we had our son he wouldn’t drink as much or want to drink as much due to tiredness etc and unfortunately this isn’t the case.

I told him yesterday how glad I was that he stopped for a while and said I enjoyed his company more when he was sober. I don’t want to tell him he has to stop just because I personally don’t drink - I think he thinks that’s where I’m coming from. I honestly worry about his liver, he never has tests at the dr as I’m sure he’s worried they will flag something up.

I am genuinely scared about the thought of leaving him but I’m not enjoying him. I don’t like when he’s drunk - he’s not aggressive or anything it’s just boring. When he’s not drinking he’s in a bad mood.

He doesn't sound like a functioning alcoholic he sounds like a straight up alcoholic. His drinking is having an effect on you and your family life. He needs to get help to give up booze completely.

Sounds very similar to my DH who id say drinks 70 units a week. It is lonely being with an alcoholic and definitely relate to what you are saying about feeling lonely, cannot have conversations (as they are drunk), the smell of them when they have been boozing all day and then the stale smell the next day 🤢 it always makes me laugh when they start the whole “why dont we ever have sex anymore?!” Through bleary eyes. Well if im sober, im hardly going to shag a drunk am i?!

I just worked out how many units he drinks on a typical week. Over 80. I’d never really calculated it before. I just assume his liver is ruined or will be soon. He honestly doesn’t see it as a problem as he has such a tolerance that he’s rarely falling over drunk. More just glassy eyes, slurring words a bit and useless to talk to and falls asleep snoring on the sofa.

This won't end well. Talk to your family and friends - really talk to them and make them understand how his drinking is affecting you. And your son. And make some decisions. Is there someone you and your son could stay with for a wee while? Just to give you time away from the situation and for your husband to understand how his drinking is affecting your life. Good luck.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You cant cure it

He will only stop when he reaches rock bottom and / or he decides for himself and rock bottom is much lower that you could ever imagine. Therefore, all you can do is decide how to look after yourself.

I lived with someone like this for three years, glad I left eventually

Sadly; rock bottom isn't always a trigger to giving up. I thought my ex had hit rock bottom (I was finally brave enough to leave, she was sacked for drinking at work, lost licence, hospitalised, could no longer walk due to neuropathy) but that rock bottom just seemed to cause a thought of 'oh well, it's so bad I may as well continue' and she just sped up the process of finishing off what was left of her liver function, 7 months later she was dead.

i always used to assume once someone hit rock bottom they'd have a wake up call and sober up. Sadly not! Apparently rock bottom is a place someone can stay.

Shocking isnt it when you add it up. My DH is the same. He would argue everyone drinks like this, he doesn’t see it as an issue and when ive raised it previously with units hes drank, he looks at me like ive got two heads and talking a foreign language. I do question myself at times!