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Alcohol support
To ask for perspective from current/recovering alcoholic
Pookie2022 · 11/11/2022 14:29
Hello. As someone on the receiving end of an alcoholic, I wanted to ask for some perspective from the other side. I guess I’m just trying to better understand my mums behaviour towards me.
A bit of background: I’m in my thirties and my mum has been an alcoholic for most of my life. Up until 12 or so years ago I would describe her as functioning (holding down a job but drinking daily and clearly miserable), and then in the last decade has declined to the point of not leaving the house, not speaking to anyone, and is completely isolated and drinking heavily 24/7.
In the past I’ve supported her in accessing help - residential rehab, at-home detox, support groups, taking her to appointments etc. However I decided a few years back I just couldn’t do this anymore. She’s nasty and abusive towards me, is negative about everything (what I’m wearing, where I live, what I do, eat etc) and has angry outbursts where she’ll tell me how awful I am etc. she also has never been there when I’ve needed her to be (not showing up to graduations, cancelling last min continuously). I haven’t seen her in three years because she hasn’t wanted to see me and I stopped contacting her because I decided that I no longer want her in my life. I’ve built a career for myself, have my own home, a lovely partner and baby on the way. I’ve also had lots of therapy.
I guess sometimes I just feel sad about the situation, that’s she doesn’t want to be in my life, that she doesn’t seem to want to participate in society, and that she’s always chosen alcohol over me. I’d love some perspective from someone on the ‘other side’ - how did/does alcoholism make you feel about your family? Are you aware of the impact it has or is she likely in an oblivious bubble? Do you have regrets about anything or there a belief that your are justified in your actions?
Just to be clear, I have lots of sympathy for people battling addiction, it seems awful and tormenting. But sometimes I do feel angry or confused and I guess I wonder what it’s like from her side of things.
Battlecat98 · 12/11/2022 17:27
Hi op. Sorry about your dm that is really tough. As a recovering alcoholic, I did think about the effect on my family but only when I was sober. I am now 11 months sober. Whilst for me my MH caused me to drink, ultimately I was the only one who could stop.
I attempted to quit many times always with my DH supporting. Then one day I took a hard look at myself and my selfish behaviour and realised I needed to stop.
It is down to the addict to address this, you can support them but, there comes a time when you need to walk away. Your dm has had lots of help and support but, clearly does not care about the consequences for anyone else.
It is a selfish behaviour and of course most people don't want to be addicted to this socially and widely acceptable drug so, they need to be the one to change.
Sadly you have done your best and you need to think about yourself. What you have already done is amazing. I am sorry you didn't get to have a normal relationship with your mother. Alcohol is so destructive.
Pookie2022 · 12/11/2022 21:01
Thanks so much for responding. It’s really helpful to hear your perspective and that it’s often hard to reflect on your behaviour or impact when you’re in the midst of addiction. It must be really hard to be in such a dark and lonely place but you’re right, there’s also very little I can do.
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