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Alcohol support

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Original poster

How do I leave when I love him?

21 replies

Calibrate · 09/11/2022 17:32

My partner of 15 years began having a problem with alcohol around 6 years ago. Neither he or I can remember if there was a trigger.

He has behaved abominably towards me over the years. He has done the gaslighting, the blame game, has made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.

However, during this time he has had periods of sobriety, which has meant I got my lovely, kind hearted partner back again. For a while at least.

After the last crisis when I drove him to the railway station to pack him off back to our home town he rang the gp. He had counselling and is now on antibuse, which in theory should make him extremely ill if comes into contact with alcohol/ethanol. A couple if weeks ago, after 5 months on antabuse and being sober he decided to see what the side effects of drinking on the medication were like. He had one double vodka and presented as very drunk. He was throwing up and had a hangover from he'll, although I was pretty short lived.

He has now decided if he sticks to just one single vodka or possibly a couple of pints he can drink. He is effectively getting into the same condition he used to but on very little alcohol. He thinks it's great as he is hardly spending any money.

If he is continuing to drink despite all the medical and professional help he has been given, I can't see a way forward for us. I had been so happy in recent weeks, thinking we finally had a future, but now.....

How do you ask someone you love to leave? He will have no home, no job and will no doubt end up drinking himself to death somehow. I am devastated, and the situation isn't helped by us currently living in a part of the country away from family and support.

OP posts:

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/11/2022 17:44

Oh that's a terrible situation to be in. Honestly, though, if you can't send him away now you really won't be able to when he hits rock bottom. I'd get him a train ticket back to his home town, to be honest. He is desperate to drink - pretty soon the doctor won't give him the medication and then he'll want to get back to that feeling of being pissed asap. It'll be far harder to get rid of him then.

GetThatHelmetOn · 09/11/2022 17:50

You cannot save him, he needs to save himself and he doesn’t seem to think he has an issue. Don’t put yourself through this for longer, you have tried hard enough already. Sometimes people need to be left to deal with the consequences of their own actions in order to realise what hell they are in.

mdh2020 · 09/11/2022 17:55

you didn’t cause it
you can’t control it
you can’t cure it

You have to think about yourself. Either you move back to your family or pack his clothes and tell him to go. Best wishes and keep safe

romdowa · 09/11/2022 17:58

You leave him by putting yourself first and loving yourself more.

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/11/2022 18:01

He has behaved abominably towards me over the years. He has done the gaslighting, the blame game, has made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.

This on its own should be enough for you to end it, OP.

QueenCharlotte · 09/11/2022 18:03

As someone who is married to an alcoholic, and has been for nearly 20 years, my advice is to leave. My DH is now sober but he had to reach absolute rock bottom before he got there, and it was only when I realised that I was also codependent and an enabler that things changed.

However, while our relationship is now good, if I could go back and change things, there's no way I would have put myself through all that and I still live with a slight fear that he'll start drinking again. The difference this time is that I won't put up with it and I'll walk. There's nothing you can say or do that will difference, unfortunately. The change has to come from him and by the sound of it, he's not ready for that.

Original poster

Calibrate · 10/11/2022 00:22

He has now gone walkabout after drinking 3 pints. Not a lot, but it is when you are on antabuse, and he was absolutely steaming drunk. He is only wearing a short sleeved shirt and has turned his phone off. He knows no one in this town, so there are no friends for him to go to.

He told someone he was depressed earlier and there was no point. Not sure if I should call the police now or wait to see if he rocks up in the morning

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 10/11/2022 03:49

Accept that he obviously loves alcohol much more than he loves you. Accept that he doesn’t even respect you enough to pretend otherwise until he is forced to believe that you are choosing yourself over alcohol.
Please make this a permanent choice.
Look up “Sunken Cost.”
This is what is keeping you invested in such a shitty relationship with a man who treats you with such disdain.
He has chosen to sink pints and shots and all of the money that has cost him (and probably you) than invest emotion, feeling and time into you. He will continue to lie to continue to drink.

mathanxiety · 10/11/2022 04:10

He has made his choice, OP.
His choice is to drink and to risk his life in order to be drunk.
His choice is to risk losing his relationship with you in order to drink.
Drinking is his only priority.

You have to stop feeling that your love for him can make a difference.

You need to get support from Al Anon.
You need to find a grief counselor.
You need to start looking at the topic of co dependence.

BritInAus · 10/11/2022 04:59

As someone who finally left their alcoholic spouse, I can assure you that life on the other side is so so so worth all the anxiety before the split.
Life is too short to stay with someone who isn't trying to recover. He is trying to find loopholes in 'recovery.' If he was really trying, sober long term, I would CONSIDER trying... but he's not even trying. He has no respect for himself, nor for you. He is unlikely to change. Do you want to be with someone whose primary relationship is with alcohol? If you don't have kids, what are you waiting for? If you have kids, ensure they can be safe, but still move on. Good luck and I'm very happy to chat if it helps. x

Andante57 · 10/11/2022 16:34

As pps have said, please go to Al Anon. You will find help and support from people who have experienced what you are going through.

Always4Brenner · 10/11/2022 16:36

Been there it will drag you down eventually you’ll be ill with worry every time they leave the house it won’t get any easier.

Battlecat98 · 12/11/2022 17:42

That sounds miserable. As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you, your DH has no respect for you. It is hard being an addict and I would not have blamed my DH if he walked away, alcoholism destroys everything. Your DH is NOT going to change he has proven this to you. Partners who try to help their addicted partners are amazing but, there is a limit. You have done so much, now you need to live your own life.

chevvyroo · 12/11/2022 18:23

He has behaved abominably towards me over the years

This is all that matters really. I'd call the police now and get them to do a welfare check though. Whose house is it? You can't help him.

theemmadilemma · 12/11/2022 19:27

To continue on the antibuse means he's not ready to stop. He's still escaping something.

Did he have counselling? To my mind that's a huge part of getting to sobriety.

He's still not on the path to destruction right now.

Without the desire to stop and the appropriate help he won't get there.

dapplegrey · 13/11/2022 13:54

theemmadilemma

From time to time on here and in real life, one hears of someone being prescribed by the doctor painkillers such as codeine and tramadol, and the person becoming addicted to them.
You say that the op’s husband is escaping something which is why he drinks - do you think this is the same reason that people get addicted to opioids?
This is a genuine question - I’m not trying to be argumentative.

FootDown2022 · 13/11/2022 14:19

I asked my alcoholic/binge drinking partner to move out this summer. I'm not going to lie, it's been really, really difficult. He's not at the stage where he can take any responsibility and he's been blaming me for all our problems and trying to gaslight me.
The thing that is helping me is that I keep reminding myself that if I had waited another year to do it I'd be even more worn down and his health would be even worse.
My partner had been drinking less during lockdown so I totally understand how hard it is to give up on the hope that he'll finally choose you over drink. But you have only one life and somebody else shouldn't be able to sacrifice it to booze.

TinselTitz22 · 13/11/2022 14:23

romdowa · 09/11/2022 17:58

You leave him by putting yourself first and loving yourself more.

This.

GreenManalishi · 13/11/2022 14:32

You choose yourself, rather than choosing to continue to try to protect him from himself at great cost to your wellbeing.

You are choosing to spend your life managing him. Nobody is going to come in with a clipboard and tell you that you have done enough and you can leave. Depending on your view of addiction, he is reacting to trauma that happened to him well before you were on the scene, and there is nothing that you can do to fix this.

Yes he is out in his shirt sleeves with no phone steaming drunk. No this is not your fault. No it's not your job to get him out of this mess. I would absolutely pack his bags while he is out and have them ready and waiting along with a train ticket when he gets back and has sobered up.

He will have no home, no job and will no doubt end up drinking himself to death somehow.

This may or may not happen and either way there is nothing you can reasonably do about it, you don't need to sacrifice your life to prevent this happening.

PartyLikeItIs1999 · 13/11/2022 14:36

You have to love yourself more. There is nothing you can do to fix him - he had to do that himself.

I'm sorry, it sucks. Think about looking into Al-anon for yourself and for some support.

pointythings · 13/11/2022 18:18

Please contact either Al-Anon or SMART Friends & Family. The only thing you can do with an alcoholic in your life is change how you respond to them and that means putting yourself first. In order to do that you need to find the strength to detach - you can do it with love, you can allow yourself to grieve but you must detach.

I stayed with my alcoholic husband for almost 7 years. The last 5 were hell and he became a master of the art of gaslighting and emotional abuse. Our DC are still affected and I am still working on my own recovery - I will probably never allow myself to be in a relationship again. Get out sooner rather than later.

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