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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Brother in law on self destruct...

4 replies

Anonymum40 · 30/10/2022 10:06

My inlaws live at the other end of the country. My brother in law lost his job earlier this year (now clearly alcohol related) and quickly spiralled from a functioning alcoholic to a non-functioning one. He's now not eating and drinks about 15 cans of beer a day. His wife and 2nd (adult) child left the house 2 weeks ago and got a restraining order as he was being very unreasonable.They have moved in with her elderly parents.

BIL and SIL own their own house and another small investment property nearby. My SIL wanted to move into that but he won't let her - says it's not fair that she has it so 'easy'. So he's in the family home but has no money at all to pay bills.

In the meantime, my father in law a mile down the road from all this has split with his partner recently as his dementia has deteriorated to a degree where he was scaring her as his usually placid personality had changed to very volatile.

Ideally, brother in law should move in with his dad and care for him but he is refusing to budge. He sees his dad once a day for an hour or two feeds him and goes 'home' again.

My poor husband is at his wits end. He's about to travel up there to try and sort something out. BIL doesn't want FIL to move into a home as he is depending on his inheritance to live on (all kinds of wrong I know...) But then won't care for his old dad either as too consumed with his alcoholism.

It's a massive mess. I don't know where we get help. Everything needs help FAST!! Any advice deeply appreciated...

OP posts:
kateandme · 30/10/2022 10:16

Once a day doesn’t seem enough.can he feed and clean and keep himself healthy? If not he needs a career assessment.
would fil be persuaded to go into care? If so bil can’t stop that and your dh could sort that. But carers are needed if not so what’s the cost difference?
if his wife owns the property as well he can’t stop her moving in.
does he recognise he has a problem?
scree the bil.if the dad can’t care for himself and is therefore in danger your dh needs to get appropriate care sorted.

Original poster
Anonymum40 · 30/10/2022 11:09

No, once a day definitely isn't. He needs getting up and putting to bed as he doesn't know what time of day it is. He needs to see the doctor to review meds, he needs washing etc etc. He had a lovely partner till a couple of weeks ago but she had to go and we've been dropped in this situation suddenly.

If all else fails I can see DH bringing him back to our house but that's not ideal either. I'm not sure how soon a care assessment can be done. I know that as he has savings he'd have to pay for care - at home or in a home - whatever happens and that is fine. Not fine with BIL but that's tough.

Also BIL insisting that the investment property be sold to pay off the family home. But then he will still refuse to move out... He does not give a toss about what happens to his wife and kids. Thinks he's the victim, that they've abandoned him as he lost his job when really he's become unbearable and driven them away.

OP posts:
kateandme · 30/10/2022 12:12

Anonymum40 · 30/10/2022 11:09

No, once a day definitely isn't. He needs getting up and putting to bed as he doesn't know what time of day it is. He needs to see the doctor to review meds, he needs washing etc etc. He had a lovely partner till a couple of weeks ago but she had to go and we've been dropped in this situation suddenly.

If all else fails I can see DH bringing him back to our house but that's not ideal either. I'm not sure how soon a care assessment can be done. I know that as he has savings he'd have to pay for care - at home or in a home - whatever happens and that is fine. Not fine with BIL but that's tough.

Also BIL insisting that the investment property be sold to pay off the family home. But then he will still refuse to move out... He does not give a toss about what happens to his wife and kids. Thinks he's the victim, that they've abandoned him as he lost his job when really he's become unbearable and driven them away.

Oh that’s awful poor man.
op have you any idea how it is looking after someone with this level of dimentia?😔
does he have capacity or can your dh be handed over legally as his ward.

Trees6 · 31/10/2022 21:22

It might be worth posting on the Elderly Parents board about your FiL, OP. There is a wealth of experience there.

FWIW I think that sorting out FiL should be the priority. The problem of the BiL can wait, especially as no minor children are involved. I don’t think that you and your husband should get too bogged down with him and his problems, because you’ll have a full plate sorting out FiL.

Once a proper care package is in place it will be such a relief.

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