Would you feel hurt if your partner had called you boring / vanilla about not drinking much

[Dingdong99]

Just out for dinner with my husband and kids. A conversation came up where I said "at least I know my limits" in jokey way about his drinking. He then said something like, "at least I'm not boring", and when I drilled into it, he said I was a bit "vanilla"

For context, he regularly gets so hammered that he falls over, can't remember, is really hungover etc, and I don't have an issue with this, but I had thought that he would have agreed with me, that he doesn't know his limits. I just have a glass of wine of an evening and I guess he thinks that's dull

We're now not talking - I think he's pissed off as in his eyes, he's just said the equivalent to what I've just said. But surely calling someone boring, is more hurtful, than saying they drink too much?! I'm confused

I don't drink. This sort of comment would have said when I was amongst the other students when I was 18. Not drinking does not mean boring. You say you don't have a problem with his excessive drinking? You are more patient than me. Don't stew over the comment. I think realistically u know he is the one with the problem and not u. Take care

Getting drunk and falling over doesn’t make you an interesting person.

He’s sore because he drinks to excess and you both know it.

For context, he regularly gets so hammered that he falls over, can't remember, is really hungover etc, and I don't have an issue with this,

Why do you not have an issue with this? It’s no way for you or your children to live.

I probably would, but he wouldn't say it. I've always been the one to drink more in our relationship (though neither of us drink much at all these days) and it would never have occurred to me to say that to dh. The one who's constantly pissed up and making an arse of themselves is the boring one (must say when I did drink I didn't regularly get how you say your dh does though).

Not sure it's something I'd have brought up during a meal out with the kids though. Why did you do that? (not judging just curious).

It sounds like he thinks he has a problem so is avoiding facing up to it by criticising you. it doesn’t sound surprising that he didn’t admit to not knowing his limits.
I haven’t had a drink for 9 months but before that might have had a similar reaction to your H if anyone had had a dig about my habits. Now I notice that most people don’t care if I drink or not, unless they’re a bit uneasy about their own drinking.

Sounds like DARVO

Do you still want to be with someone that has a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol and what that teaches your DC?

Why are you okay about his completely dysfunctional relationship with alcohol?

PortalooSunset - I didn't realise saying he didn't know his limits would be so offensive, as to me, it seems so obvious that he doesn't. Just today at a kids party someone referred to him being smashed the other night. I guess I made a poor joke, it was on the back of something else but I can't recall the conversation

Poor children having a drunk for a father.You can choose they can’t.

My ex, who definitely drank too much, used to say this to me too. One of the many many reasons he's an ex. To me I always took it as him trying to pass off the ridiculous amount of alcohol he drank as something normal/fun, when it really wasn't.

My DH doesn’t drink much - I like a few! I’d never say he’s boring, it’s his choice.

I imagine he is the boring one when he is nursing a hangover the next day. People with alcohol issues will do anything to deflect attention away from their problem.

I'm very sorry, hope you find a way forward.

But nope, wouldn't feel hurt. I would see that there was a problem & would be even more sorry for the DC having such a father and for my self, too.

YABU
You started in on him first. In public no less!

But surely calling someone boring, is more hurtful, than saying they drink too much?
No. Being called boring or vanilla is far less offensive than saying some drinks too much/doesn’t know their limits.

than saying some drinks too much/doesn’t know their limits.

Even when it's true ? Not knowing your limits is a much, much more serious problem. Hugh.

Such statements hurt more when they’re true, not less.

Yes, not knowing your limits is a much more serious problem, but it’s more offensive to say that to a family member in public in front of your joint children than it is for them to say “well at least I’m not boring”

She levied the harsher comment and his defensive comeback was weak and inoffensive. I’m sure he could have replied back to her something just as bad but held back because this is our for a nice dinner with the kids. Best to try a de-escalate than go tit or tat or escalate.

he regularly gets so hammered that he falls over, can't remember, is really hungover etc, and I don't have an issue with this. ... Just today at a kids party someone referred to him being smashed the other night.

Do you not realise that is absolutely awful? How is this affecting the children?

I'm actually wondering whether this is real...