So angry with myself

[Anonymouslyembarassed]

So, I have the shakes today from yet another night of over indulgence. I promised myself I'd be sensible, stop after a couple, but I didn't, I never can. I have to stop completely, don't I?

I'm so angry with myself. I've 3 wonderful DC, great DH, a good (but stressful) job. Why can't I treat myself with the respect and kindness that I afford others?

I'm on antidepressants and sleeping tablets so I shouldn't even touch alcohol. I don't take the sleeping tablet of I've been drinking but I'm reliant on alcohol or a sleeping tablet every night.

I've grown up with heavy drinking being the norm. I've tried before to stop, don't think I've lasted more than 5 days. How can I do this?

Ps I also have 3 lovely kids, decent job and nice husband so really relate to your story!

@Ireallyneedsomehelp Good morning. I've woken up feeling positive, energetic and determined. This is the first Sunday in years without a hangover.

I can relate to what you've said, I can drink absolutely loads and still act relatively sober, at least I think I can!

That'll be my challenge too, actually going out to a social occasion and not giving in. I'm naturally reserved so I use alcohol to help me get through these things. Plus my family love a drink and I don't think I can share my issues with them.

Any tips are appreciated. Hope you have a lovely Sunday.

I can highly recommend Bee Sober (on fb), they have monthly brunches all over country which are a great way to build new non drinking friendships.
Also read Unexpected Joy of Being Sober 🙂
Glad to hear you are feeling great today.

Thank you for both recommendations, I'll check them out.

Can I ask, has anyone asked their GP for a liver function test? I'd like to know if I've done any damage but I'm conscious of not wasting a GPs time or resources. Would this be appropriate?

First step is to gain awareness. How is the habit unfolding. When do you drink? Why do you drink? Where are you, who are you with? Are you aware when you pour your first glass? If you can't answer these questions make that your first task. Pull on your science lab coat and get curious about what's going on. This will create the roadmap to help you reach your drinking goals. So many people start by just tackling the action of drinking but if you want this to be a permanent change you have to start at the root cause. Happy to answer questions.

Hi @brightspice. I've been considering your post for the past few days, I've never really thought about why I drink so much.

I've gained a little insight recently. It's stress. Since I stopped 2 weeks ago my stress levels are through the roof. I'm having intense heart palpitations, my blood pressure has shot up and I've even burst a blood vessel in my eye, it looks a mess. I've no escape from my mind now and it's really affecting me.

Part of me thinks, sod it, I'd rather suppress these feelings with alcohol but I know that's not the answer. I definitely need to get a handle on it. I'm not sure what my next step will be now.

Oh, I forgot to mention the insomnia, even with sleeping tablets, it's horrendous.

Sounds tough @Anonymouslyembarassed but well done for keeping alcohol free. What’s the cause of your stress?

@Anonymouslyembarassed OK this is good. It's especially good that you have been really thinking about this. Here's my next question for you. When you want to say "sod it", what is the "it" in that expression? Get specific and get curious. Is it perhaps a sense of restriction? That you really WANT to have a drink, but you are telling yourself you really SHOULDN'T have a drink? (I'm only guessing here based on what I see very often; your actual answer could be different.) But if you then take this thought further, if you have an undercurrent of restriction of course it's not surprising you have these moments of "sod it", of not wanting to feel restriction. So then we get into figuring out why you are trying to control yourself through restriction rather than getting to a place where you actually trust yourself to take action from a place of "I don't like overdrinking". AND from a place where you're not judging yourself, you're not making it mean anything terrible about yourself. But you are going to back yourself to figure it out. See the distinction? This makes all the difference.

@brightspice you ask really good questions. The 'it' is, giving in to the craving. It's tormenting me and as I'm not getting any peace from my thoughts, I may as well drink. I can't sleep well, at least if I had alcohol, I'd be guaranteed a few hours of unconsciousness.

Rationally I know this isn't the answer so I'll persevere and hope things start to improve soon. Thank you for making me think, it's genuinely helped.

Why do you drink?

Brightspice, one hears in rl and reads on here about posters becoming addicted to codeine or tramadol or other opiate-based painkillers having been prescribed by the doctor. Other people take them for a period of time and don’t get addicted.
If people drink alcoholically because of circumstances past or present, do you think the same applies to addiction to painkillers?

@Anonymouslyembarassed liver function tests can be normal even in quite advanced liver damage, you need an ultra sound scan to identify liver issues, not sure you'll get one on the NHS if otherwise well.

@Anonymouslyembarassed I absolutely understand what you mean about cravings. I used to be able to go along with my day the all of a sudden around 6pm BOOM I would have a craving for a glass of wine. But while cravings feel awful, the thing to know is that they have absolutely no power over you unless you let them. There are techniques for managing them that you just need to practice.

But I'm far more interested in you saying you can't get any "peace from my thoughts". Do you know what those thoughts are? That's where I would start. Because those thoughts are at the base of it all: the stress, the negative feelings, the cravings - all of it. So become super super aware of your thoughts - write them down (yes, pen and paper is best) so you can see what's going on. What this so often shows is that if anyone were thinking what you're thinking they would probably drink too! So you then see it's not about you, it's about what you're thinking. And you are NOT your thoughts... it's just the most brilliant news ever and offers unlimited capacity for you to change.

How does that change things for you?

Check out episode 32 "Not Even True" of my '90 Days Later' podcast for more on this topic.

@Andante57 I can't speak to addiction to painkillers and the like (I have my opinions but don't want to talk on something I have no training in), but I would like to offer a different perspective to something else you say in your post: "if people drink alcoholically because of circumstances past or present"...

What if that isn't true? What if why, what and how people drink has NOTHING to do with their circumstances - past, present or even future!? What then?

It's so interesting because we talk about drinking in this way almost as an aside (yes of course people drink because their husbands are mean or they had a bad day at work or because they're so happy to have got the promotion), but what if none of that is true?

I will offer this is a hugely significant point and something to really, really think about.

Because if none of those circumstances "cause" drinking, why do people drink when they really actually don't want to?

What if that isn't true? What if why, what and how people drink has NOTHING to do with their circumstances - past, present or even future!? What then?

I agree with that. A close relation was in 12 step rehab and there they said rather than look for reasons why you drink or take drugs, deal with the problem as it stands now.
They said that often people say ‘oh I drink because my wife left me and I lost my job’ whereas more likely, his wife left him and he lost his job because of his drinking.
Personally, I think it’s genetic.

@Andante57 and what if it thinking it's genetic is the same as any other circumstance?

Sorry, I don’t understand that?

Because if none of those circumstances "cause" drinking, why do people drink when they really actually don't want to?

I don’t think anyone knows that, do they? Why some people become alcoholics and/or addicts, and others don’t.
Maybe one day medical science will find out.

@Andante57 people say things like "I drink because it's in the family; it's genetic" but what if that statement is as 'true' as "I drink because my husband made me mad".

You could argue it's another way of making some other circumstance (in this case genetics) responsible for one's behaviour.

Now it could be that there are people and genes that make them more liable to over drink than others (I am not a doctor and I am not belittling or judging the point about genes), but my question is whether saying things like "it's genetic" serve us or not.

My overriding comment is that we say all these things as to why we drink without really thinking about how they are making us feel about our capacity to own and control our decisions around drink. And whether they're right or wrong is not as relevant as whether they serve us in achieving our objectives or not.

@Andante57 ahhhh why do people drink when they don't really want to? Yes, THAT is the question to ask. It is the place to start and it is likely different for everyone.

You could argue it's another way of making some other circumstance (in this case genetics) responsible for one's behaviour

Yes I agree. That’s why I believe the 12 step idea of ‘never mind why you drink, let’s address what you can do about it now’ seems a good one.

Something else to remember when these thoughts creep in is that it WILL stop working.

Your tolerance levels will continue to rise but the root causes will still be there. And eventually you won't be able to shut your head up with alcohol anymore. What a waste of several months / years when you could have been getting sober instead

What PP is describing about finding out why you drink is what I call 'following the thread' and it's always surprising how far you have to go to get to the crux of the issue. And 99% of the time it stems from some kind of fear.

This was one of my most enlightening moments:

I drink because I'm stressed / had an awful day
Because...
Kids were a nightmare / stuff kept going wrong and I was stressing because I'm going to be late
Because....
If I'm late people will judge me for being a shit mum / disorganised / haven't got my act together

So this completely ridiculous fear of being judged and to be found to be failing drove a LOT of my stress.

When I saw that, I could counter logic with 'who gives a shit if I'm late, I'm doing my best'

There's another layer in it which is why am I always running late which I've also done a lot of work on but I'll save that for another post!!

I got ALL of this knowledge (and coming up to 9 years sober) from AA

I was and still am an atheist - you can make the concept of a higher power work without relying on religious ideas of God if you want to.

Hi op, everything you have said has resonated with me. I have now been sober since Jan 10th this year. I have had a drinking problem for 10 years. Much like you I hold down a very stressful job, I have 2 DC, a DH with a chronic illness and the usual, bereavements & life problems.

I was perhaps drinking 4 times per week mainly wine, but whatever else was in if I needed it. I hated myself, I was overweight, depressed, unfit and my mental health was shot. I ruined many a family occasion and barely slept.
Ironically I had counselling as had MH issues but my drinking was never addressed, as it was assumed once the problem was dealt with the alcohol would take care of its self. I even saw my GP but at that point, I had stopped for 2 weeks so he didn't feel I had a problem 🤷.

Anyway eventually enough was enough my DH and health could take no more. I decided I had to quit, I downloaded as many audio books as I could, I found reading to difficult. I got myself lots of treats, calories didn't matter, I made self care a priority, face masks, nail varnish lovely shower gels. I took myself out for walks to deal with the anxiety. It took 3 weeks before I felt the benefits, but when they came it was amazing. I cannot over emphasize the benefits my sleep is amazing, my MH is fantastic I actually like myself. I have lost weight, my skin is better.

Do I miss drinking? Not sure but probably not. I have been to major events, on holiday and my DH still drinks. I always play it forward and think would this evening be better with a drink? and how would I feel In the morning?

I never thought I could get a handle on my drinking. I am not say it is not difficult it really is and I am still newly sober. I didn't use AA but highly recommend Craig Beck, this was the turning point for me. If you want to, you can do this. Feel free to PM me if you need to.

You’re not a bad person! You can quit! I believe in you! Try a meeting!

Thought I'd give an update on here. I've completely stopped drinking since I first posted (minus 1 blip which we won't talk about)

I feel so good, it's amazing. I'm sleeping well, less moody, skin looks healthier. There's no downside.

I've a bit of a challenge tonight, I'm going to a party in a pub but I'm determined it won't be a problem.

I feel like a new woman 😁