Sober October with a difference

[brightspice]

This year I’m running a Sober October programme. It’s for my clients and for anyone who wants to join in. And it’s completely free.

But this isn’t the usual Sober October so it won't be for everyone.

We won't count sober days. We won't grit our teeth to say no. We won't tell ourselves that alcohol is a poison. Instead it'll be a mindset shift set around the concept of Reasons to be Cheerful. 31 of them in fact. (Yes, that’s a nod to the fab Ian Dury song.)

I will help you get curious about new ways of viewing alcohol. And yourself. About your decision making. And what you are choosing to believe.

Throughout the month I’ll be going live with teaching and concepts and things to make you think, I’ll answer questions you send me and give you a new way of thinking about your relationship with alcohol. Mindsets and tactics and tools that we can climb rung by rung to get us to our goals. Whether you ultimately want to cut drinking entirely or moderate.

If you want to be notified when I upload new content (I’m aiming for lots of video), you can sign up at 90dayslater.co/soberoctober. l will also come to this thread daily to share concepts and answer any questions you may have (though this won't include the video stuff).

My goal is for you to see what you’re capable of. So you can finally put to bed YOUR drinking story. Whatever it is. And for this to be your last Sober October, rather than making it an annual event.

That sounds interesting. I came on here to ask if anyone else is doing Sober October as I want to do it but will be living with DH who drinks every single day and I have poor willpower so it might be a struggle. I'm curious about your approach @brightspice

I have several bottles of alcohol free beer to start off with as I find them delicious and easy to have as a replacement. But I want to get into the habit of happily just having water or tea instead of reaching for a glass of wine at the end of the working day, so want to wean myself off the zero beers too.

@goldfinchonthelawn The really BRILLIANT news for you is that you don't need willpower to change your drinking. In fact I find that people who have lots of willpower can struggle more because they tend to RELY on their willpower, which never works in the long-term.

Instead of this Sober October being about just really, really fighting yourself to not drink, I'm asking everyone to start by asking yourself why you even WANT to do Sober October.

I went live on my 90 Days Later Facebook page this morning to discuss the first of my 31 Reasons to Be Cheerful for Sober October: There is nothing so POWERFUL as being in control of your choices.

Here's then work to do alongside this video: get to know your drinking habit.

What is your overall aim for your drinking? To go sober or moderate?

What do you think you are in control of?

Have you given over all of your power to alcohol, other people's opinions, your friends, society ...

Or do you remember the power that is within you?

Sober October can be more than a gimmick if you remember who's running the show?

So do you know what you're capable of?

Do you know what's possible?

Grab a pen and paper and ask yourself these questions. Really look to see what you believe. This an excellent step 1.

And I'm happy to answer any questions.

Sounds good. It sounds quite similar to the approach in Alcohol Explained and Alcohol Lied to Me which make you feel joy and relief at cutting alcohol from your life. I won't be joining because I'm nearly 4 years free from booze but I can attest that life is wonderful without it.

I love this approach. I don't want to go the AA route and force myself not to drink. I want to solve the issues that lead me to drink, so I won't need it so badly. Following this thread :)

@Northernsoullover So happy to read your post and your 4 years alcohol free. Great achievement! Yes, this is all about what you are moving TOWARDS, not fighting against.

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo (great MN handle BTW!) Yes, the women we force ourselves to do anything (and this applies across life, not just to drinking), we inevitably rebel at some point. "I'm a grown up, if I want a glass of wine I'll have a glass of wine!" is something I hear from clients who've tried resisting in the past. So far, far better to just understand what you want and to start by understanding that you really are in control. Despite everything your brain tells you, you are in control. Always.

Thank you. I love the question, 'Why do you want to do Sober October?' as I was already thinking: maybe I'll have a glass tonight while DC are still both back from uni as they'll be gone tomorrow. Final night celebration...

There could always be an excuse.

But the reason I want to do it is muy drinking creeps up over summer from 1 glass a night to two. Which isn't a huge amount but it's too much for me on a daily basis. It makes me tired and grumpy and I sleep badly.

When I do Dry Jan (which is easy as DH joins me, so no wine around) I love how clear headed I feel, how even tempered I am and especially how much energy I have in the evenings. Instead of slumping in front of TV I go and do things, That's why I want to do Sober October. To get that energy back and reclaim my evenings.

So I am going to make a huge glass of cranberry and soda wiht lots of ice so the wine doesn't tempt me when it comes out.

Thank you. I will answer all those questions for myself in a notebook later.

Day 1 done. I feel a bit proud as everyone in the family was having a drink with dinner and I had cranberry juice instead.

Tried to log into your FB page but couldn't see how to join. Will look again.

Just realised it isn't a group.

Sober October Reasons to be Cheerful Day 2:

We humans are driven by feelings. What we feel determines how we act.
It’s powerful stuff. When we want a drink it can feel as though we are driven by desire. It can feel overwhelming. Until we have no choice but to drink.

But I offer that this desire is indicative of something else. A desire for more. To strive for something different. A life you don’t need to escape from with alcohol. A life that’s more brilliant than you can possibly imagine right now.

So instead of focusing on trying to quash your desire for alcohol. Of that need to say "no!", today I want you to ask yourself what is it that YOU really and truly desire.

Maybe it’s something you haven’t even admitted to yourself. Let your mind run free. You don’t need to tell anyone else. This is between you and you. So grab a pen and paper and write it out.
Add message

Sober October Reasons to be Cheerful Day 3:

Yesterday I spoke about desire. About the strength of it.

Today I want to build on that and talk about possibility. This is such a HUGE reason to be cheerful.

So often in life we deal in terms of probability. Of what’s likely to happen. What’s realistic (whatever that means. Given all considerations, what’s probable.

You may think: “I’ve been drinking for 30 years so it’s probable I’ll find it hard to stop.”

Or: “It’s probable life will seem dull and miserable without wine. I guess it’s just something I’m going to have to accept.”

What if I call this a load of rubbish?

What if it’s totally and utterly POSSIBLE that your life will be actually BETTER without alcohol in it.

What if it’s totally POSSIBLE for you to drink one glass of wine at lunch on Sunday and for that to be enough?

When we embark on a new challenge - for instance to drink less with ease - we can feel as though our destination is so out of our reach. We don’t know how we’ll get there.

So how do you start? Work from possibility not probability. Take yourself to that place. Sit with it. Then ask: how would things change? Just what is possible for you? This is some of the most powerful work I do with my clients.

So post your comments - what do you think IS possible for you if you dared to dream?

I'm fully embracing of the art of the possible.

But what if someone doesn't feel deserving of it? What if someone doesn't feel worth the investment, the time, the effort? How to move forward if you don't feel you are allowed dreams or worthy of them, if you feel you simply can't do it?

What to do if you feel really and truly stuck?

Oh Stircrazyschoolmum your post resonates with me 🥺 just know you matter and I think you are worth the effort even if you don't baby steps 💐

@madmumofteens thank you so much for your kind words. I always forget how supportive MN can be if you step away for the AIBU threads!!

Baby steps it certainly is, on a good day it feels like anything is possible, on a bad day (hormones, stress, family dynamics) the 'Fck it' button gets very tempting. I keep trying to remember that on those days, the only person I'm fcking over is myself.

Thank you again. xx

@Stircrazyschoolmum This is such an excellent question. It’s one of the main reasons why trying to transform your relationship with alcohol purely by changing the ACTION of drinking often doesn’t work if you want permanent results. Because you’ll have this little inner critic voice in your head talking you down.

I will offer that your work this Sober October is in growing your sense of self worth. I can tell you you’re worthy exactly as you are now (which you are, 100%) but it’s you who needs to believe this.

So ask yourself why you don’t think your worth of investment/time/attention? Grab a pen and paper and write all the reasons out. Then look at what you’ve written and ask how many are FACTUALLY true vs. stories that you say about yourself which you now believe. Why do you tell yourself these stories? It doesn’t actually matter if any of them are right or wrong but what’s SERVING you.

Then you get to decide. From the place of deep possibility that you can change your drinking, decide which of the stories you tell yourself about you that you’re going to ditch. Then look for evidence as to how this is true. EG if one of your stories is “I never finish anything” look for all the things you do finish. Even if it’s something as simple as a piece of work or the cleaning or whatever… start to show your brain that just because you’ve been walking around thinking you’re not worthy, you are deciding right now that you are.

Sober October - Reasons to be cheerful 4, 5 and 6: Today I’m talking about what to do if your brain says “I don’t know”, “you’ve been down this road before” or “I feel like I’m missing out”. But first, a brief announcement.

I’m hosting a FREE Zoom Q&A meeting tomorrow, Friday 7 October from 6-7pm BST

I’ll give a brief intro, talk about the concepts I’ve covered so far in Sober October Reasons to be Cheerful then will answer any questions that you have. It’s free to all but you have to register to attend at 90dayslater.co/soberoctober

It’s a safe space but I understand if you want to remain anonymous. Totally fine. In that case you can leave your video switched off, change your screen name to ‘anonymous’ or ask your question via the chat function direct to me if you would rather not speak (I will then read it out and respond to the group).

In my last post I spoke about believing in possibility. But if your brain tells you “I don’t know”, reason to be cheerful 5 is that you don’t have to accept that statement. You are in control. Instead really challenge yourself (I give 3 strategies in this week’s episode of the 90 Days Later podcast) by asking what would you do if you DID know.

And if your brain complains: “you’ve been down this road before” and nothing has worked yet - well, so what? That’s OK. (Which makes this reason to be cheerful part 5). It doesn’t mean it’s a big stop sign. It just means you haven’t found the way that works for you. You are a human being with a human brain. You have infinite capacity to learn and develop. I see this every day with the people I work with. So try again and keep on going.

And for reason to be cheerful part 6 I will offer: if your brain tells you “I feel like I’m missing out” (by not drinking), ask exactly what are you missing? The hangover? The fuzzy head? The not remembering what you said the night before? Your dreams? It’s a question worth asking.

Hope to see you all tomorrow at 6pm BST on Zoom.

Sober October reasons to be cheerful reasons 7, 8, 9 and 10

On my 90 Days Later Youtube video channel I've continued to post a short 'n' sweet video each day about all the ways you can change your relationship with alcohol without resisting and fighting yourself and willpowering your way through.

These are all ways to remind yourself that you can make this Sober October your last ever.

The latest topics I've covered are:

Don't avoid temptation
Why you have habits you don't want
If you think drinking helps you to sleep
Curiosity over judgement every single time

Here's today's Sober October Reason to be Cheerful. Another way of thinking about your relationship with alcohol in a way that doesn't demand willpower to change.

Many people drink “to relax”. But that’s just a means to an end.

What are they REALLY after?

99% of the time when I ask this question I hear: “I need to calm down.”

Which makes sense, right?

Feeling settled and calm is a natural human need.

But when we outsource it to a glass of wine we tell ourselves that it’s the wine which calms us down.

This seems real. It seems true. But it’s not the case at all.

Truth is, we can access calm any time we like, irrespective of what we have in our glass. Or where we are. Or what's happened that day.

We do that with our mind.

By remembering we are the creator of our own calm.

Check out this week’s episode of the 90 Days Later podcast to learn how you can do this today. Available on all major podcasting platforms.

I've continued to post reasons to be cheerful this Sober October on my 90dayslater.co Instagram page .... the latest offerings are the ways that deprivation helps you (yes, that is a thing!), if you are confused at your ability to stop overdrinking as you're usually so disciplined, how to drink less when your friends or partner drinks,

The day 18 reason to be cheerful this Sober October was the skill of learning how to not finish what's in your glass (also the topic of this week's episode in my '90 Days Later' podcast that digs into how to do this), followed by good cheer that willpower isn't enough and today I'm posting on the good message behind a desire you have to drink to switch off.

So, so many reasons that show how changing your drinking doesn't have to be miserable, boring and full of deprivation. So, so many reasons to be cheerful, whether you want to give up entirely or learn to moderate. (One of my current clients wants to be sober from Monday to Thursday and to be able to drink at the weekend. It is blowing her mind how she is making the impossible possible and is now adjusting her goals to see what else she's capable of.)

Changing your drinking is about so, so much more than just changing your drinking.

You can find all my Reasons to be Cheerful posts and daily mini on my instagram (90dayslater.co or on my '90 Days Later with Anna Charles' Facebook page) or on my 90 Days Later Youtube channel...

Thank you @brightspice. Thank you! I really mean this.

I wonder how many people are quietly reading your posts, finding their way to your website, starting to listen to your Podcasts...and starting to feel hope. I found this thread a few days ago - just dipping a toe in a bit more everyday. I am completely sober at 7.40 pm because I want to be - that is a change.

@Mylakk Your comment means a lot to me. And how great is it that you were sober yesterday evening because you WANTED to be? That's so, so good. And actually the reason behind my posts and all the work I do - that when we stop seeing giving up the booze as dreary and something we "have" to do, when we stop resisting it but kind of look to the other side and see what we're moving towards, well everything gets easier. (That's not to say there isn't work involved, there is, but there's a huge difference between something being hard work and a struggle.)

I want to get rid of the shame around drinking. I want to show what's possible. Last week one of clients (a daily drinker for 30+ years) wrote to me: "I have completed Monday to Thursday alcohol free without too much difficulty (I can't even believe I just said that. 5 weeks ago that would have been an impossible dream.)"

So keep with the possibility @Mylakk . It will change your life.

Now to my next Sober October Reasons to be Cheerful update of FB and IG postings these past 5 days:

The 21st reason to be cheerful this Sober October I offered is for those of you who “don’t want to be the weirdo” (because you’re “the” non-drinker). It’s a simple technique that you have full power over but is so often overlooked! Over the next 2 days I talked about the upside if you say to yourself that you’ve failed at this before and also showed that however much you may “fear” what life holds with less or no alcohol in it, you will gain so much more than you imagine (this was a big one for me back in the day and helped to really shift my thinking about alcohol)… which brought me to yesterday’s reason to be cheerful: that what you think is 100% up to you (POWER!) and I’ve just gone Live on my FB 90 Days Later page on the 25th topic for the month: celebrating without alcohol. Yes, this is most definitely a reason to be cheerful (even if you maybe don’t quite believe it yet). An important one for the upcoming Hallowe'en, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year period!

Who'd have thought there would be so many reasons to be cheerful about how you can change your relationship this Sober October? If you've been following along have you spotted any signs of doom or gloom? Exactly. Because it can really be fun to do this.

Yesterday's topic was on the subject of your inner critic. That little voice that tells you you're not good enough, you're an idiot to have drunk again and why can you never learn? I offer a different perspective on that.

And I've just gone live on my FB 90 Days Later page on the subject of "You only live once". This is such a familiar one to me. How often do people tell you "Go on - have a drink! You only live once!" (And I was also known to talk to myself in this way, too). So here's my alternative interpretation on this and a definite reason to be cheerful: We take it as an invitation to drink because drinking is the best way to experience our life. But have you ever stopped to think about that?

We only have one life so actually why would you even want to drink? Because drinking means stepping back from your life. Dulling things. Making the experience somehow less. Perhaps even so much so that you won't even be able to remember it!

So I have a challenge for you.

The next time someone offers you a drink because you only live once, ask how you want that moment to be. The only time you’ll ever have that moment. Which is something to celebrate. A HUGE reason to be cheerful. That by changing your relationship to alcohol you get to experience each moment fully. To be present. A moment in a life that you are only living once. And living as best you know how.

So many reasons to be cheerful and still more to come! Maybe I could even give the late great Ian Dury a run for his money 😀

Today’s reason to be cheerful this Sober October is an easy way to see how the the thought “I don’t have the time to do the work” really doesn’t help.

People often tell me they want to change their drinking habit but don’t have time. So they’ll wait until the time is right. Live with the yucky morning-after-the-night-before implications for now. Until they have more time to change.

But I offer an alternate perspective. Yes, it takes work to change habits. But that makes sense, right? Because the whole point of a habit is that you do something without much effort or thought. Habits make us efficient. [And our brains love to be efficient.]

So if we want to change a habit, we have to take some action to do that. Which does involve more work. At least to start with. But for all of you who say you don’t have time to change your drinking (even though you really, really want to), you are actually just making your existing unwanted habit stronger. You are getting the opposite result than the one you want.

But here’s the cool thing. The way you got your habits is the same whether they are ones you want (remembering to brush your teeth twice a day without having to put this in your calendar) or not (pouring a glass of wine the moment you get home at night) … through repeated exposure to or practice of something.

So the moment you get cracking on rewiring the habit of overdrinking you begin the transformation. That first moment. That decision. That commitment. You start moving towards your desired state instead of further away from it. So now how is it true that you don’t have time to change your habit? As in right now?

The 29th reason to be cheerful this Sober October is hangovers! Because they teach us so much about our behaviour. About why we drink. They’re like flakes of gold in a river bed.

So instead of seeing hangovers as proof of your idiotic behaviour, find the lessons in the wreckage of the morning after. Go back over the night before. Replay the evening in your mind. Where were you, who were you with, what were you doing, how were you feeling? Even if you identify one tiny little thing you could have done differently, that gives you something to work on. Something to try. To move towards your goal of changing your relationship with alcohol.

So next time you have a hangover get curious and see what you’re telling yourself. And if you need help dissecting your behaviour, I can help...

Which was the 30th reason to be cheerful this Sober October. You don't have to do this alone. You can get help on your terms. Personalised coaching. Without shame and without judging yourself. I show you your blind spots. I tell you what you need to know to grow, not what you want to hear. You will see a new version of yourself develop as we work together. Fast. It may have taken years to perfect your drinking, but together we'll unravel that in four months.

The best way to experience this is to book a consultation call with me. It’s one hour and it’s free. And you’ll leave knowing the exact plan to reach your goals. Go to 90dayslater.co to grab yours (big blue button)