An alcoholic parent

[Rainbowtriangles]

Does anyone have any experience or advice on dealing with a parent who cannot control their drinking?

I’m in my mid 20s, and fortunate enough to have been living back with my parents recently whilst saving to buy a house. I am now taking steps to move out and rent with my partner, I’m incredibly grateful to have been able to save over the past few months but sad that my dreams of buying a house are now going to be out of reach, as I’ll struggle to save a significant amount whilst renting. I’ve had to make this decision as my DMs drinking has increased hugely and is now a serious problem. She has always had a turbulent relationship with alcohol, but we’re now at a point of daily drinking (still managing to work and drinking when back home in the evening) and drinking much larger quantities of stronger drinks.

DM has sustained serious injuries from drinking which I’ve witnessed and had to perform first aid on, numerous christmases and birthdays ruined through excess alcohol causing huge arguments and mean comments. Sadly I have no other support in the family with some members not wanting any involvement, and others who have their own alcohol-related issues. I’ve had 10+ Years now of supporting my DM and other family members with alcohol and substance misuse, and I can no longer continue to do this for my own health.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can support from a distance? I’m incredibly worried about DMs health which is clearly suffering as a result but she refuses to see a doctor. I care about her tremendously and up until a few years ago when the drinking increased, we were incredibly close.

Have you found limited contact to be best? Regular contact to ensure they know you’re there for support? I’m so torn what to do but know I can’t continue how I am anymore.

I want to start a family in the near-ish future and I worry massively about letting my children see her - of course I want them to be able to have a relationship with their grandma, but I cannot risk letting any child feel the way I have with this.

Have you found limited contact to be best? Regular contact to ensure they know you’re there for support? I’m so torn what to do but know I can’t continue how I am anymore.

I can't offer any definitive advice because I haven't been in this position but I do sympathise with you, it really is a heartbreaking situation. I think the above suggestions you've made are pretty much all you can do for the moment, I understand that until the Aloholic takes steps to help themselves i.e. admitting there is a problem etc. you can't do anything except protect your own well being and life. Al Anon has a sister group I think for relatives of the alcoholic maybe it would be beneficial for you to contact them for a chat. It really is her choice at the moment.

Thank you x

It is a difficult one, you’re completely right that until they want to make a change, I can’t make it happen. I’ll definitely look into the support group.

I’ve also found a local organisation that provides support who I’ll reach out to.

Ah, OP I sympathise so much as I'm in an almost identical situation. So much of what you said is like reading about my own DM.

She has ended up in hospital through alcohol-induced falls and injuries within the last 18 months.

We used to be best friends, now I find it so uncomfortable to be around her.

She texts me emotionally abusive, drunken messages then waits a few days/weeks and acts like nothing has happened and I fall for it every time as underneath I feel so bad for her.

She has been unforgivably cruel to me
in the past with her words but time and time again I go back because she's my mum.

I have two DC and my eldest has started to recognise when her granny is drunk and no longer wants to be around her. My youngest is still a baby and I've limited contact. You'd think this would be enough motivation for her to quit but no, not a chance.

I'm sorry I have no advice but will be watching the thread closely and hope someone more knowledgeable than me will be along to help.

Your instincts are spot on. Self care and having good boundaries are the only things you can do that have any power. They are about caring for yourself because you cannot care for her.

I've been there too - my DM turned to drink when my DF was diagnosed with dementia and she spiralled after he died. All my Dsis and I could do was engage with the agencies she would allow in to offer care and operate from a distance. We reported her to the police because we knew she was driving drunk and without a license or insurance and her car got taken away - that didn't help her, but it certainly helped the community around her. None of it is anything but deeply awful. I wish you strength. My DM died 3 years ago after a fall down the stairs in her home - she was going to get more drink as she refused to keep a bottle in her bedroom with her because that would have confronted her with the truth.