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Alcohol support

Could this work?

4 replies

Starshot · 22/09/2022 16:44

Hi, my partner has been a heavy drinker since we met - 1-1.5 bottles of wine on Friday and again on Saturday when we first met, the past couple of years it seemed to have crept up and most recently he was having 2-3 lagers starting at around 4pm and then moving onto red wine around 6pm.
Embarrassingly we are always in bed by 10.30-11pm so although he always buys 2 bottles of red wine with the intention of drinking them both, sometimes he would get through both and others he would leave a glass, sometimes half a bottle, depending on how tired he was etc.

Very recently, he seems to have been drinking more days than not. If I ask him not to drink, he won't, never looks too bothered about it but says if I left it up to him, he would drink every day.

We split up 2 weeks ago; I've been, quite honestly, horrible to him over the last couple of years. The drinking got to me as I never drank alcohol before I met him and none of my family drink, so even 2 bottles on a Friday and Saturday seemed a huge amount.

He gets tipsy (slurring his words slightly, falling asleep) after drinking this amount but is never aggressive, nasty, violent, anything like that, he always gets off to work, fulfils all his obligations etc the next morning.

However, we stopped making an effort with each other and just became like lodgers, pretty much. On top of that, the drinking became a massive issue for me and I started to feel like I hated him - and it showed in my behaviour towards him, including calling him some fairly nasty names on a daily basis.

So we split.

Since he's been gone, we've been spending time together and my feelings returned. I see the good side of him again and we had made plans for him to move back in on Monday, with the plan being (he said), to drastically cut down his drinking, eventually getting down hopefully to half a bottle of wine on a Friday and Saturday being enough for him.

My issue is, he's been drinking every day since we split, bar one or two days.
Sometimes he has 3 beers, sometimes (like tonight), he will be adding a bottle of wine to that.

We argued about it earlier - he says that while he's been away he wanted to "give my head a breather from everything and have a drink if I wanted to" and reckons that from Monday, he will only drink on a friday/Saturday with the aim of cutting down the amount he is drinking too, so he gets down to that half a bottle amount eventually.

I think he shouldn't be drinking whilst he's not living here and we just can't agree on it.
He doesn't see that what he drinks whilst he's away from me has any bearing on how things will be from Monday when he moves back in. He swears he can go from drinking daily, to moving back in and only drinking on a Friday/Saturday.

What do you all think?
He can control his drinking because as I said, if ask him not to (when he's living here) he won't drink. But he's choosing to drink amost daily at the moment whilst he's 'clearing his head'.
Should I trust that he can just give up during the week once he moves back in?

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yougotthelook · 22/09/2022 16:55

Starshot · 22/09/2022 16:44

Hi, my partner has been a heavy drinker since we met - 1-1.5 bottles of wine on Friday and again on Saturday when we first met, the past couple of years it seemed to have crept up and most recently he was having 2-3 lagers starting at around 4pm and then moving onto red wine around 6pm.
Embarrassingly we are always in bed by 10.30-11pm so although he always buys 2 bottles of red wine with the intention of drinking them both, sometimes he would get through both and others he would leave a glass, sometimes half a bottle, depending on how tired he was etc.

Very recently, he seems to have been drinking more days than not. If I ask him not to drink, he won't, never looks too bothered about it but says if I left it up to him, he would drink every day.

We split up 2 weeks ago; I've been, quite honestly, horrible to him over the last couple of years. The drinking got to me as I never drank alcohol before I met him and none of my family drink, so even 2 bottles on a Friday and Saturday seemed a huge amount.

He gets tipsy (slurring his words slightly, falling asleep) after drinking this amount but is never aggressive, nasty, violent, anything like that, he always gets off to work, fulfils all his obligations etc the next morning.

However, we stopped making an effort with each other and just became like lodgers, pretty much. On top of that, the drinking became a massive issue for me and I started to feel like I hated him - and it showed in my behaviour towards him, including calling him some fairly nasty names on a daily basis.

So we split.

Since he's been gone, we've been spending time together and my feelings returned. I see the good side of him again and we had made plans for him to move back in on Monday, with the plan being (he said), to drastically cut down his drinking, eventually getting down hopefully to half a bottle of wine on a Friday and Saturday being enough for him.

My issue is, he's been drinking every day since we split, bar one or two days.
Sometimes he has 3 beers, sometimes (like tonight), he will be adding a bottle of wine to that.

We argued about it earlier - he says that while he's been away he wanted to "give my head a breather from everything and have a drink if I wanted to" and reckons that from Monday, he will only drink on a friday/Saturday with the aim of cutting down the amount he is drinking too, so he gets down to that half a bottle amount eventually.

I think he shouldn't be drinking whilst he's not living here and we just can't agree on it.
He doesn't see that what he drinks whilst he's away from me has any bearing on how things will be from Monday when he moves back in. He swears he can go from drinking daily, to moving back in and only drinking on a Friday/Saturday.

What do you all think?
He can control his drinking because as I said, if ask him not to (when he's living here) he won't drink. But he's choosing to drink amost daily at the moment whilst he's 'clearing his head'.
Should I trust that he can just give up during the week once he moves back in?

He likes a drink.
You don't- or at least are not bothered by it.
This relationship will never work.
Take it from someone who tried to make it work for four years...me the drinker not him.
You will argue incessantly over this issue.
Find someone with similar drinking habits to you, and let him do the same xx

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Jules198 · 23/09/2022 09:39

Sounds like he will get his feet back under the table and carry on as before. It will soon creep back into your lives and most likely more than before. I would draw a line under this relationship. Move on

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memyselfi · 23/09/2022 11:26

He's not doing anything wrong . Let him be or leave him .

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brightspice · 26/09/2022 09:00

The moment we say someone "should" or "shouldn't" do something we are exhibiting judgement.

But he can do and think what he likes.

But you can also do what you like and think what want.

It's our privilege as human adults.

You can't control his decision but you do control yours. This is immense power. What will you do with it?

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