DH doesn't want me to go to AA

[Philipaa]

I've recognised I have a serious problem with alcohol (2 bottles of wine a night/ blackouts/ missing deadlines etc)
Tonight my DH got drunk and told me I'm not an alcoholic and shouldn't be going to AA. Accused me of meeting a man when I was going to a meeting (because I touched up my makeup) and I ended up not going.

When he doesn't drink he's really supportive, but I can't help but think this is how he really feels. How do I navigate my recovery while he's still drinking and acting like this :(

He sounds like he could benefit from going with you to AA. Do you think he would refrain from drinking alcohol in order to support you?

I think AA would be really well placed to advise you, OP.

Sounds like you're in a co dependent relationship where changing that dynamic will be difficult.

You need to get to AA and prioritise your recovery

He is codependent and doesn’t want you to get off alcohol.

How do I navigate my recovery while he's still drinking and acting like this :(

Without him.

You do have a serious problem with alcohol which you have bravely acknowledged. It is not helpful for him to undermine you like this, maybe he has his own reasons. Do not listen to him next time he tries to sabotage your recovery.

Focus on yourself and your recovery. You can’t change him.
Good luck 💐

Well done for recognising you have a problem with alcohol @Philipaa

As others have said already, it sounds as though you're in a co-dependent relationship.

Put your own needs first. Go to AA for you. 🌻

He's definitely cut down this since I stopped. But I guess "Saturday night" doesn't count for him. He was apologetic this morning, but I know it'll happen again. I'm going to try and get to a meeting tonight.

He doesn't want you to quit because that means he has to as well. It will also change the dynamic of the relationship. I've spoken to a surprising amount of people whose relationships fell apart when they stopped drinking.

You just need to say that you are going, see you later. Good luck x

He's sabotaging you because if you get sober, he will have to acknowledge his own problems with alcohol. My late husband tried to sabotage me when I did my first dry month - at that point I was drinking 45 units a week, so quite a bit less than you, but I wanted a reset. He did everything he could to make me fail (he was on north of 100 units a week at this time).

I went it alone, reset things and now drink very little. He got worse and it ended our marriage. You've done an admirable thing admitting you have a problem, and you should absolutely go to AA and address it. But you're going to have to do it without him.

I thoroughly recommend that you read the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. What you’re describing is literally straight from its pages!

Best of luck with your journey to sobriety x

@Philipaa You ask how you navigate this when he's acting in a way that makes you feel bad etc...my answer: you just decide.

Here's the thing. Your DH can think and do whatever he likes. That's his privilege as a human adult. Just as you can think or do whatever you like. That's your privilege as a human adult. Which also means you can think whatever you like about what your DH says to you, expects of you, judges you on (the make up thing). I would offer that NONE of that impacts your recovery or how you choose to change your relationship with alcohol. None of it.

This is all really, really good news. Because it means you have 100% responsibility over your decisions and 100% responsibility for your actions. Whatever your DH or anyone else says.

So now I would ask: what DO you want to do? Do you want to go to meetings? Do you want to own this? Do you want to be the one who supports you throughout this, come what may? Do you want to be your own best friend?

Like I said: you have 100% responsibility. Go get 'em. I know you can do this.

This. Came on the thread to say it. People in relationships with alcoholics get something out of it and don't want the dynamic to change. You could try to work out what his 'gain' is from your drinking (in therapy). Probably forgiving or allowing unacceptable behaviour.

Or accept that the likelihood is that sobriety is a journey you will have to take alone. Sorry.

Hey OP, I'm sorry he's behaving that way. I remember my cousellor telling me that many relationships did not survive the soberity journey.

My DH (DP at the time) initially struggled with the concept I was going for complete abstinence rather than reduction. We were in a pre-detox counselling session at the substance abuse centre when I told him clearly that I would be getting sober, with or without him. But it would be happening and he could either support me or fuck off.

He did in fact wind his neck in and give me his 100% support. For a period there was no alcohol in the house. Over time, and on my terms, he is able to drink in the evening when he wishes, when we go out for meals etc. I do still have a rule about how much is consumed around me, and about alcohol being left lying around - though that bothers me far less these days also. It's take a lot of open communication and support. And very honest conversations about his own alcohol use. We are both children of alcoholics, and he ensures he takes days off having a drink, doesn't get too habitual with it, he now recognises he has to be careful. However, he doesn't struggle with that like I did, and drinks far less than he did 3 years ago.

I'm not sure how helpful that is, other than to say with open communication and support, and possibly joint counselling, it is possible to get through this together. It depends on your DH's ability to be honest about his own alcohol use and how he feeds off your alcohol use.

I remember saying to my best friend after about a year sober that I bet my DP missed getting drunk together and having a laugh. It made me really sad. Then I asked him. And his answer was no he didn't. Life was better for us now and he'd take that hand down every time.