Think I'm an alcoholic and scared to go to AA

[Dazedd]

I drink 2 bottles of wine every night. I don't remember going to bed half the time and I don't know how I manage to function day to day. I guess I've built up my tolerance levels.

I went to an online AA meeting tonight. I just listened and didn't turn my camera on. However, it really resonated with me and I want to go to one in person.

The thing is I'm just absolutely terrified of walking up to the door and actually stepping inside. What if everyone else already knows each other? What if they're all older men? I'm mid 30's female. What if they make me speak?

I didn't drink yesterday, or today, but I need help and a support network. I just don't think I can physically make myself go to a meeting without having some kind of panic attack.

Has anyone felt like this?

I'm not an alcoholic, but I do know that nobody in a meeting will force you to speak. If you aren't ready to share, you aren't ready to share. If sitting in and listening is making a difference, do that until you are ready.

Meanwhile if you feel AA isn't for you, you could try Smart Recovery - it's CBT based and it gets to the causes of your drinking, which may make stopping more achievable.

Good luck. You have already taken the crucial first step by admitting you have a problem.

I'm 2 and a half years sober through AA and felt the exact same as you! I stopped drinking in the midst of COVID so only attended zoom meetings for the first 18 months but never understood how people had the strength to walk into the rooms! I was so nervous for my first face to face meeting but had no reason to be at all.

You could find out where your nearest meeting is, find out if it's an open/closed meeting and if it's closed (this means only alcoholics would attend) contact them through the AA website online and see if they'll open the meeting and let you attend with a friend or family member so you're not alone but you really have no reason to be worried about it. Everyone is so supportive, it's lovely❤️

I originally enquired through the AA website and they put me in touch with a lady (the general rule is that ladies speak with ladies and men with men as that's what most are comfortable with and have most in common with) who said she'd be happy to meet with me for a coffee and a chat (no obligation) and she'd come to my first meeting with me.

Where in the UK are you? I'd be happy to look into where your nearest meetings are for you? Or you could stick with zoom meetings to start with if you feel it'd help?

You'll probably be asked if you're a newcomer if nobody recognises you but this is only so people can share their stories with you to see if you can relate/identify with them. They may ask if you'd like to say anything but I didn't and lots of people don't have the strength to to start with.

Well done on reaching out though, that's the first step and can be the hardest x

Thank you both very much.

Cat that's great to know. I'll send them an email and see if I can arrange something similar. It would make me feel so much more at ease. There's a meeting tomorrow in my area that I really want to go to. I hope they get back to me.

They have a live chat option that I used but then they asked me to call them on 0800 9177 650 so I had to put my big girl pants and give them a ring! Someone got back to me either later that day or the following morning. If you did call, someone should be manning the phones now 🙂

There are women only AA meetings as well if that makes it easier.

I'm 20 years sober in AA there are lots of different meetings - go to at least 6 before you decide whether it is for you. Just go - we are a friendly bunch!!!

Thanks all.

Congrats on 20 years long. I can't even begin to imagine that right now.

Definitely ring the main helpline - they then transfer you to the local 'responder' team.

That team have a list of long term sober women who will call you back and arrange to meet up / take you to a meeting.

Honestly, there's nothing to be frightened of - every single person in that meeting has been where you are now.

I have been going to the AA for a few months. It has been life changing, I cried throughout the first meeting. Everyone was sympathetic, made sure I had a list of contacts and the support has been amazing!
The people are so kind, everyone in that room has been where you are now, it's a lovely, non judgemental place.

Please go. What do you have to loose?
I promise you if anyone knows you, you can be sure that no one will disclose your identity.
wishing you well. X

I went to my first meeting in central London over a decade ago, I remember being frightened and feeling so small. I phoned the support line and someone met me at the nearest tube station and took me to the meeting. I remember being surprised by the number of people there and also the fact that I bumped into someone I knew.

It was the start of a hard journey but one I will forever be grateful for. My only regret is that I didn’t do it years before.

It’s a scary step to take, and each meeting is different. I went to 60 in 60 days when I was first sober and went to lots of different ones and found the ones I was happy at.

no one can tell you if you’re an alcoholic. For me, I went to prove I didn’t have a problem - and now I’ve been sober ( in total) for 16 years ( fell off the wagon after initial 3) . It’s not easy, but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

I hope you find ‘your’ meeting. I know everyone is different and it works differently for everyone of us but AA saved my life.

best of luck OP

None of the meetings I’ve ever been to (and I’ve been to lots) have ever been dominated by older men. You will be very surprised about what an alcoholic looks like.
If you make contact, someone will be in touch and will happily support you through your first few meetings.
Its worth a try - It might help you, as it has many others.

I did SMART instead of AA, it was great. 2.5 years sober.

You don’t need to go to AA. There are other ways. I would never have given up if AA was the only way.