Really struggling, feeling ashamed and overwhelmed

[itsmecarly]

Looking for a bit of encouragement and support to move forward with my life. I am really struggling and feel lowest of the low. Please no judgment, I don't think I can take it right now. :(

In summary, I've grown up with issues around alcohol, my Mum used to have a binge drinking problem along with bad MH issues and I really got the brunt of it from ages 10-16. It was hard for me and it's tainted my relationship with alcohol and left me with a lot of unresolved trauma.

Since I started drinking in my teens, there's been so many instances of getting way too drunk, drinking too much etc. In my 20s I drank and partied all the time, always took it too far but that became a bit of a lifestyle. Until it all came crashing down on me at 29 and I had a breakdown, left London, quit my job and moved home to recover. Took a break and got better. I didn't quit drinking but generally speaking I stopped going out and partying, and only really have a few glasses of wine at home in the eve if I feel like it.

After about 6 months of moving home I was on the up. I got a new, better job and moved out to a new flat, met my wonderful partner who is so supportive and I love absolutely dearly. I don't know what I would do without him. Life has been going really well ever since recovering from that. We have a beautiful little girl who is now 2 and she is the light of our lives.

Generally speaking I feel like I am a completely different person to how I used to be. I really feel like I've come such a long way, and changed so much for the better. I've tried so hard and focused a lot on self improvement and trying to move on from the past. But it keeps coming back to bite me.

Since having DD I don't go out ever really (maybe 3-4 times over the last 2 years) but every time I have, it's ended in complete disaster because I've ended up getting too drunk and can't last the day. No matter what strategy I try to put in place, it all goes horribly wrong and I realise I need to quit drinking completely, as I simply can't risk any more of these incidents and I don't want it to impact DD like all the issues with my Mum did with me when I was growing up. :( It's like the freedom/excitement of being out and about just gets the better of me and I get completely carried away. Feel like such an idiot.

The final nail in the coffin was that I went out on Sunday for a day out at a festival with friends, and accidentally ended up getting absolutely sloshed on wine. Completely blacked out and told anyone trying to help me to f off. Had to be put in a taxi home and my partner had to deal with me when I got back.

I'm just feeling so low and depressed about the situation and feel like a complete failure. Can't seem to pick myself back up and move on. I keep crying and having panic attacks. Everything just feels way too much. I know i need to quit and I am going to, but I'm just so overwhelmed and don't know how to move forward. Please be kind I'm really low. :(

Zero judgement here!!
I have been alcohol free for over 18months and I highly recommend it! got sick of all of the ‘rules’ only 2 glasses, not on a week day etc etc (which don’t work anyway!) moderation and alcohol don’t go together for many of us
start by reading a couple of books Jason Vale how to kick the drink easily and Annie grace naked mind. They will really help. On Facebook there’s a community called the womens wellbeing collective run by Sarah rusbatch. Full of women with stories like yours supporting each other to go AF.

Can you try and re frame it in your head. Sunday happened, and you can't undo that, what matters is what you do from now on. There was no real harm done this time. Yes you got drunk and made an arse of yourself, but lots of people do that. Your DD was safe with her Dad, so hopefully unaffected? Therefore this can be a positive. You are now a non drinker, and will be a good role model for her growing up. Have you read any of the quit lit books? There are a lot of good ones that help you re frame the way you think about drinking, so that could help too.

@CantGetNoSleeeeeeep thank you, I really appreciate the encouraging words. I am definitely going to check out the books and joining the facebook group. I have had a fairly recent AF stint of about 7 months, and I was honestly soooo much happier, less anxious. I definitely just need to find my alcohol free people and start looking at the positives.

@Thedungeondragon you are absolutely right, I do need to reframe. Yes DD was safe and with her Dad. She did see me drunk when I got home at 6pm though.. and I feel really ashamed about that as it must've been confusing for her. But yes you are right. I can take positive steps, and seeing it as 'I am now a non-drinker and will be a good role model' is a really helpful thought for me.

finding your people makes all the difference you are not alone in this. Set yourself the goal of a year and see what happens

OP some people, for whatever reason, don't appear to have the necessary off switch when it comes to alcohol.

I also did not. From the first sip, I was never able to not go full pelt until there was nothing left to drink or I was unconcious. Nothing I tried in terms of strategy ever worked. Sadly I also liked drinking at home alone far too much and found myself slowly in the depths of complete alcoholism.

I've been sober for coming up 3 years. Best thing I ever did. I really enjoy social occassions now weirdly, none of the apprehension I used to have! I can relax and enjoy myself knowing I'll be waking up the next day feeling fabulous and fresh!!

You can do this, and there is support if you need it. You can self refer to your local substance abuse centre, they may be able to help. www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/find-an-alcohol-addiction-service/location Avoid CGL they seem to direct to Detox UK who will charge for what is available free on the NHS via the right service.

@itsmecarly your post says that you feel like you've come a long way and you're in a different place. That's where I would start. Give yourself a hug. See what you're capable of. You've made changes before, you can make any future changes too, yes?

There will be challenges and it will not always be easy but I would offer that changing your drinking is actually simple. It really is.

Expect to fail. Go towards failure. Find out what works, find out what doesn't work. Learn from it. When I was changing my drinking I learned so much more when things went wrong than when I was feeling good. And I will offer you only really fail when you give up trying.

Something that compels me every day to be willing to do scary new things is this thought: "If you want something you've never had, you'l have to do something you've never done."

It all starts with a decision. A decision to achieve your goal around alcohol. A decision and commitment to yourself that you will honour. Are you in?

I just wanted to update to say thank you to everyone for showing me support and encouragement when I was at a low point. I am 1 month alcohol free today and going strong. Feeling positive and better than I have in a long time.

Wow congrats! That is such great news. It is my day 1 today and hope to be where you are in one month :) any tips?

Congratulations on this achievement @itsmecarly , you're doing brilliantly. Keep going !

Great news!