Not drinking on holiday

[brightspice]

I coach highly-functioning people on stopping overdrinking and am talking with my clients a lot at the moment about how to have fun on holiday without drinking. In the spirit of helping as many people as possible I wanted to post about this here too as it's very topical.

Here's the thing: holidays are something to look forward to. To experience fully.

BUT I find so many of us (I used to count myself in this mix) feel entitled to have an amazing time on holiday. And if you approach holidays with that feeling you are going to feel justified in your drinking.

"You only live once!" "I deserve it!" "It's my holiday!"

Instead look at your holiday through sober eyes and tell yourself the truth about what your holiday is like. There are likely going to be good moments and bad moments. But that's OK. Being drunk or buzzed does not change how good a time you're having on holiday - the alcohol just makes you THINK it's better. The actual experience is the same. So if you're having fun, you're having fun, if you're having a miserable time you're still having a miserable time even if the wine makes you think it's tolerable. Ask yourself which you'd prefer?

Finally I will offer that you can have a fabulous time on holiday without drinking. If you don't agree with this statement, ask yourself why. (There's no right or wrong answer to this one, but make sure you like your reasons.)

@Amdone123 That's certainly given me some thought re comment how I want holiday to look and plan. I think that sounds like it would be useful in regards to mindset and approach.

I've definitely been thinking about why I think alcohol makes a situation better ( I only watched the clip this morning - I'm always thinking!). For example, I would always drink when watching a tennis match. I'm watching Andy Murray this afternoon and had a fleeting thought that I'd get some wine in. I've decided I'm not going to ( not only that, I'm not going food shopping so temptation is limited).
I'm winning !

@Amdone123 Yes, having a plan is a great idea - and include in that the expectation that it will be difficult at times. Changing one's drinking is not always a walk in the park! Hope you have a great holiday whatever the drinking...

@Amdone123 great stuff - and excellent to hear of the progress you've been making. Having a plan about how you want your holiday to look (not just from a booze perspective, but overall) is a great idea. Don't expect it to always be easy to follow through with your decisions in the moment, but that's OK. Just because something feels tough doesn't mean it's not possible!

So how is everyone doing? I just came back from a couple of days in Italy drinking nothing but water... fizzy water was as exotic as it got! My husband ordered a bottle of wine for him and our (adult) son... they didn't finish the whole thing and once upon a time I would have drunk simply to avoid wasting it... but I'm happy to say that thought didn't occur. Who'd have thought that simple water could taste like nectar on a sunny square surrounded by dozens of people drinking? But it did.

I offer this because 3-4 years ago I would never have thought this possible.

PS: We were celebrating my birthday and YES I STILL get birthday cards with wine bottles on the front!!!! To say that alcohol is normalised in society is an understatement. Can you imagine a greeting's card with a packet of cigarettes as the central image? 🤔

Back home now and have already drunk more than I did on hols! Not outrageous amounts, but one glass per night rather than some nights without. But am learning to pay attention to it and ask myself 'why' I'm doing it, which I think is the first step. As I'd like it to carry over to normal life, but that takes work too!

@ellyo yes, asking 'why' is the first step... and remember too that your brain has long-established 'home' drinking routines that it will happily slip right back into without some direction. So being onto yourself is an excellent way to start.

@brightspice thanks for this thread, really interesting.

Can I ask about your holiday to Italy - I love Italian wines and can't imagine not wanting to pair one with the lovely food. I'd feel I was missing out, especially seeing Italians sitting round drinking it with their meals (they are much better at moderating than us Brits in general though!). Sorry if that's a triggering question for anyone, it's just something I worry about.

@Winecheesesleep The simple answer is I taught myself to ‘undesire’ wine.

Think of something you don’t enjoy eating/drinking (and preferably something others struggle with). For me it would be ice cream for instance. Can’t stand the stuff. But others will eat buckets of it. I’ve known people struggle with weight loss because they can’t stop eating a tub of ice cream each night. But it’s always been EASY for me to be around ice cream because I just don’t like it. Another example would be tequila. Yuck. Even in my drinking days if tequila had been the only think available I just wouldn’t have drunk it. So think of that thing for you - perhaps whisky or cigarettes or ice cream or whatever. If you were to teach yourself to replicate THAT state around wine then it would be EASY for you to not want to pair wines on an Italian holiday. Because it becomes part of who you are rather than something you are holding yourself back from. The moment you tell yourself you love something (eg wine), you fear not having it any more, you feel resentful if others have it and you don’t, then you only INCREASE your desire for the wine - even though (and this is the crazy bit), part of you knows it doesn’t want that thing anymore.

And all of this is why willpower doesn't work over the long term. I think you have to go right to the roots and start with your desire for the wine and why you have that desire.

Thanks @brightspice , I feel like I've got a lot of unlearning to do! I used to work in a wine-related role and it's been quite a big part of my life but I need to learn to see it in a different way.

@BraveMaeve well a good way to think about it is that you have a well functioning brain. You taught it how to desire alcohol really well. Now you can use its same strengths to learn how to undesire it!😀

Here's a new question for this week. What kind of relationship do you want to have with yourself?

When we talk about quitting or cutting back on the booze, the focus is often mainly on the alcohol. But the alcohol is just liquid that sits there. It's our thoughts about it that create our experience.

And we often drink to avoid feeling a certain way or because of what we don't see in our lives.

So ask yourself this: what kind of relationship do you want to have with yourself? One where you can back yourself to do what it takes (in all areas of your life) no matter what? To really commit to yourself? Or do you want to be a flakey kind of friend to yourself? Or are you effectively turning your back on yourself? Or saying mean things to yourself as though you were someone you don't get on with?

Start seeing these answers and you will start to see what you'll need to put in place to change the habit. And this will change EVERYTHING about your life. So simple but so true.

Happy to answer questions...

Hello, @bri @brightspice thank you for this thread. Everything resonates so much. I've had a dodgy relationship with alcohol for a few years now (well it's been a few years since I realised I had a problem with over drinking ). I recently started drinking for the sake.of it anything I could find and downed it?! Who does that on their own middle aged? I have also come back from.holiday and drank lunch and dinners bottles of Italian wines. My DH loves it too. It's hard when he doesn't have the issue. We go again soon to Italy again and I'm worried. I'm worried about thinking when in Rome and I should drink as we will be in Italy. I don't know how to unlearn the desire but I want to fast! I've done well in the past but it's just been shit recently. I need a permanent solution!

@Ynwa1234 I understand that it seems perplexing - drinking when you don't really want to, but still kind of wanting to at the same time. Don't worry. It's totally normal. And totally changeable. I have two responses to the question you pose "who does that on their own middle aged?". First: plenty of people. Second: I would ask you in return if this question is serving you? So you drink more than you want to... so what? Having judgement about your behaviour likely makes you feel worse. Besides this might be where you are now, but just being on this thread shows you have the gumption to do something about it which is great news. And the even better news is that because you are the one who taught yourself to desire alcohol, you are the one who can teach yourself how to unlearn this desire, no matter where you are, who you're with, how tempting the Italian wines seem.... none of that matters. How does that make you feel?

Hi, everyone. Some great points on here, lots to think about.
Well, I'm actually on day 10. Not voluntarily I hasten to add. I took ill last Tuesday, and was taken to hospital ( breathing difficulties). All good now but painkillers and bedrest meant no wine for me. I feel great now.
Holiday tomorrow. I'm looking forward to having a rest, also to good food / wine, but I think I can manage it. I certainly don't want to feel ill again. To self inflict it seems stupid.

@Amdone123 sorry to hear about the hospitalisation! Not nice! Have a lovely holiday.