Help with husband’s drinking

[1985jf]

My H drinks daily, around 4 cans on average during the week, 6 cans plus half a bottle of wine each day of the weekend. Id estimate around 75-80 units a week.

its a bone of contention in our house. He would argue there is nothings wrong with his drinking. I do not drink (purely because i dont like the feeling since having kids).

as its a bone of contention he now hides his bag of beer when entering the house eg at the side of him. If i pop out he will go to his car and get drinks out. He will also kind of hide the amount hes drinking eg he will very quietly open a can, take empties out to the bin, wash up glasses on the side etc hes even been known to replace beers in the fridge with a hidden stash so i wouldnt know what hes drank. Hes also refilled wine bottles with liquid so i wouldnt notice it was empty.

he wouldnt agree there is a problem here. I suspect that if i raised his bizarre sneaky drinking, he would go mad and say it was because of me and how im always watching him, i can hear his excuses now. He would not even accept the term heavy drinker.

my questions are

• is this a problem drinker?

is his drinking (hiding it) a classic sign of an alcoholic?

or it me? He holds down a full time job, never missed work etc. i worry hes been drinking like this for a long time now, where is this going to lead health wise

*4 cans average per day during the week

Yes he’s drinking too much . Yes he has a problem and yes it will cause health problems.

However there’s nothing you can do about it and talking to him won’t make any difference, it will just cause fights. He has to want to cut down or stop for himself.

You can’t control him or his drinking and you need to step away from that now.

You need to use your energy on you, to get some support for yourself and help you work out what you want to do. It’s ok for him to want to live like this but you have choices too.

Please think about going along to a meeting at al anon, which supports family members of people who have issues with alcohol. Anyone can go - your husband doesn’t have to have an labels or diagnoses and you don’t need his permission to go.

Just try it and see if what the other attendee say ring any bells for you. You can also get an insight into your future, as drinking like this tends to be progressive.

Can I ask how old you are, how long you have been together and if you have dependent children together ?

Thank you. I thought as much 🥺

weve been together 15 years, two primary age children. I believe hes drank heavy since teenage (not this bad, but its slowly got to this). When we met, he only drank weekends

i am ready to leave this relationship. Its not good for the children to see. I do 100% childcare as he just doesnt. Ok he cant during the week due to times he works, but he doesnt even do bath/bedtimes, the mental load etc. hes just sat with a beer. Im drained

I’m only telling you what you wrote in your own post - I’m not an expert. I’m sorry you and your kids are having to deal with this, I know it’s really really hard.

Drinkers are very good at guilt tripping, manipulation and lying so leaving him ( if that’s what you want you do ) will not be easy. Unless you feel you are in danger from him, I’d encourage you to make a careful exit plan and get external support.

Al anon will be a help to you, whatever you decide to do. You will all still be affected by his drinking after you leave , as he will no doubt still see the children.

Some proper experts will be along later, maybe tonight. they will have a lot of good advice for you.

It is a problem if it is causing problems. The fact you are considering your relationship over it, and that you feel it affects his role as a father, means it is a problem for your family.
Four cans isn't a huge amount in and of itself, but every day it adds up, then more at weekends. He must be permanently 'muggy' - not to mention the health implications.
It's not fair for you to be doing everything while he sits with a beer, leaving you to it. What happens if you tell him? I'm sure you must have done.

take last night, sat on the sofa watch a series drinking, whilst i was struggling to get my youngest to bed. Youngest was being naughty and wouldnt settle. He’s oblivious. I went into the living room and made a comment about it being difficult and he doesnt have to deal with it each night. He just said - tell me what i need to do and ill do it! The covers have not been put back on our bed yet from washing last week, washing up is piled downstairs, bathroom needs cleaning, packed lunches need sorting for clubs the following day but no, i have to ask. Im practically a single parent now it will make no difference.

there is a lot of resentment there from years of this.

Ive been thinking about ending it for a long while. Its gotten worse in the past year. Im so done with it all. Hes never got any money but it seems to magically appear for alcohol. He must spend around £50 a week on drinks in/at the pub. Thats £200 a month…

This isn't really about his drinking, there is an awful lot more to it than that.

Yes, he probably drinks too much, but it doesn't seem hugely excessive.

The fact that he has checked out of family life and is not doing his fair share is a far bigger issue

I just feel he comes home from work gets a drink and checks out. If i ask him to help, i have tried and tried, he would do it in a huff, have no patience with the kids, shout at them and slam doors. Its almost like we tread on egg shells around him, he will slam doors etc.

I could have written this post myself. My life is exactly the same and has been for 25 years. When my sons were younger (they will all be in/out of Uni soon) I told him he could have no alcohol in the house until the boys had graduated from high school. As far as I know he stuck to our agreement but the minute the graduation happened for our last two he was back at it again.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cur it

The only person who can deal with his drinking is your DH and only if he wants to. Usually that only happens when they reach rock bottom and that is far lower than you can imagine (I’ve seen it).

Al Anon have meetings online but you need to start considering if you want to stay in this relationship and have your DC experience this. It sounds as if he is a functioning alcoholic, at least at work, but it will only get worse.
I wish I could give you more comfort but the sooner you realise the truth, the sooner you can sort you own life, and that of your DC.

Yes it’s too much. Yes it indicates severe alcohol use disorder. The hiding drinks and defensiveness are part of it too. He may be high functioning now but the wheels will fall off at some point.

however there is nothing you can do other than decide if you can live with it or not x

He drinks 5x the recommended weekly safe limit. Of course it’s excessive. I’m not judging I used to drink similar amounts. its likely the drink is causing the checking out of family life. It’s getting in the way of him drinking