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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Husband fallen off wagon AGAIN

16 replies

Batfink19 · 28/07/2022 22:02

Anyone help with their thoughts please? My husband admitted 8 years ago to having a problem with alcohol (not as easy as I make that sound - many arguments and secrets etc). He went to rehab after losing his licence after being found over the limit and a bit of soul searching said he def wanted to stop. Luckily he hadn't actually driven at that point but was fully intending to do so.
So £6k in debt (for the rehab) and weekly trips to AA, it all went pretty well but he fell off the wagon after about a year.
He is great at staying focussed for a short time only it seems.
Over the years he has relapsed maybe 6 times but the most recent 3 have been the worst. After getting his licence back the AHole did the same again and got another ban for 3 years. All well deserved, and more I think. I in NO WAY condone what he has done.
The strange thing is, I have tried recently to concentrate on my own health and sanity. My son is recently diagnosed as autistic and this brings difficulties to every day. (He is a diamond and a wonderfully funny boy and to tell you the truth has helped me through so much.) Also, my lovely mum passed away last year from a really aggressive cancer that took her within 4 months of visiting the doc with symptoms of something 'just annoying' and I am still dealing with that.
Anyway, today the husband fell off the wagon again. I know people say it is a disease but how can you let your feelings be numbed to that when he looks you in the eye and tells you he HAS NOT been drinking. Even though he is covered in blood from bashing his head off a hook due to being unsteady on his feet and is slurring every word? I found the bottle he was hiding under his bed covers. I am so worried he will lose his new job but I know he needs help. I feel like more of a carer to be honest. We have been friends for many many years. I used to feel I wanted to stand by him, but now I am not so sure. We get along (in 'normal times') really well and I have no interest in a divorce but, if I have to go that route, I will. I just don't know how the whole splitting up thing works. I feel I have to lie to my dad as he shouldn't have to worry about me. I am also lying to my son as I do not want him to be distressed.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/07/2022 22:04

I think you do need to divorce, the roller coaster and the lies you have to tell are very damaging to you all.

JimmyShoo · 28/07/2022 22:11

Don’t let your hold grow up around this, it’s damaging.

He’s relapsed 6 times and been done for drink driving twice , he will believe that there no consequences to his behaviour and that you will forgive him the next time too.

Moonface123 · 28/07/2022 22:12

You can only paper over the cracks for so long, he is sinking and will take you down with him. He has become a huge liabilty. l think the AA run groups for family members of alcoholics, you may find that helpful. It is a really difficult situation to be in and l know you don' t just stop loving someone who has an addiction which makes everything alot harder. It sounds like you already have alot on your plate, l hope you find much support.

Beggingforsleep · 28/07/2022 22:15

I don’t know if this will be helpful but as the child of an alcoholic I would really recommend you leave, for yourself and for your son.

My mum stayed. She loved him and believed in marriage being forever and we had a very nice life on the surface. But he left eventually, after getting dry ironically, and by that point it was too late for her to move on properly, she’d invested far too much in holding it together. It was also very damaging for my brother and I to grow up seeing our dad in that state. Funny stories now but a whole load of mess through our teens and twenties.

fedup078 · 29/07/2022 03:27

He's clearly not going to change op so you need to make moves on separating
I gave my stbxh so many chances when I should never have let it get so far
My mother was also a 'problem drinker'
Honestly if I ever encounter this again in my life I'll have no qualms in cutting whoever it is off dead and walking away. Never again

Palg68 · 29/07/2022 03:43

What about some sort of counselling for your DH? Where has the drinking stemmed from?

Tricky situation OP could you ask him to leave the house and have a break maybe.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/07/2022 04:17

Have you attended any AlAnon meetings? They are for families of alcoholics. I will be honest - they did not suit me. However, I know a lot of people who have found them to be very helpful.

I think it would be worth trying, if you haven’t already. And perhaps also or instead consider private counselling to get your head around your feelings.

Too many people mistake ‘alcoholism is a disease’ as a free pass to do stupid shit. It is not.

If leaving is the right decision for you, don’t be afraid to do it.

Motherofcatsanddog · 29/07/2022 07:42

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Just a thought/question. Does your husband display any autistic traits? Alcoholism is quite common in people with undiagnosed ASD.

mostlydrinkstea · 29/07/2022 07:52

This is going to sound brutal but he needs the alcohol more than he needs you. Getting dry hasn't dealt with the underlying issue and until he does that he is going nowhere. I have a neighbour who is going through this. He is dry for a while then something sets him off and he goes back to his coping strategy which is the bottle. He does not want to go into therapy which will take time and work. For your own sanity find an Alanon support group or some sort of support for why you are putting up with this and get your ducks in a row to leave. If nothing else it makes you put yourself and your child first and not your unreliable husband. If I hadn't seen how addicts behave I would not suggest this but you and your son will always come second. That is no place to be.

KangarooKenny · 29/07/2022 07:54

Do you actually want to spend your life with an addict who lies ?

Original poster

Batfink19 · 29/07/2022 08:51

He does funnily enough but fails to recognise it in himself. He has been to the doc countless times for help but I think the NHS struggle to offer help, especially as we live so rurally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Batfink19 · 29/07/2022 08:52

Oh KennyKangaroo, that is brutal but true. Thankyou

OP posts:

Original poster

Batfink19 · 29/07/2022 08:53

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/07/2022 04:17

Have you attended any AlAnon meetings? They are for families of alcoholics. I will be honest - they did not suit me. However, I know a lot of people who have found them to be very helpful.

I think it would be worth trying, if you haven’t already. And perhaps also or instead consider private counselling to get your head around your feelings.

Too many people mistake ‘alcoholism is a disease’ as a free pass to do stupid shit. It is not.

If leaving is the right decision for you, don’t be afraid to do it.

My difficulty with AlAnon are twofold - one, I can't attend due to my son's needs and two, the nearest is 1.5hr round trip. Maybe they have online meetings, I could do that

OP posts:

Freysimo · 29/07/2022 08:55

I know from experience that unless he really and truly is determined to stop, he won't. Look after yourself and your son first. NHS services are overloaded, you can't rely on them.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/07/2022 10:12

AlAnon has had online meetings since Covid. I do think it worth a try although, as I said, I didn’t find them suitable.

But I really would urge you to contact their helpline as they can provide telephone support and signpost you to other services. I think talking to someone, either in a support group or a counsellor, would help you decide what is best for you rather than what is best for your husband.

pointythings · 30/07/2022 18:19

I've been where you are, in a way. I gave my husband so many chances. But once I decided this was it and it was rehab or divorce, that was the end. He lasted 2 weeks after rehab. For me it wasn't so much the relapse into drinking that did it, it was the relapse into addict behaviour, i.e. lying that finished it.

I would strongly recommend that you divorce now. Your husband will not change; he has no incentive because you take him back every time. And life as a single parent without an addict in it is so much better (and yes, I have an autistic DD).If Al-Anon is tricky for you, and I can see how it is, keep this thread going. There are so many of us here who have gone through the same thing and you will get support - and a safe place to vent too.

Come and join us on the other side, it's lovely.

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