DH and alcohol

[greenleafplant]

DH used to drink a lot. It was related to childhood trauma. He got mental health support to deal with the trauma but he was never diagnosed as an alcoholic or got specific support for it. He suspected he had a problem after he was drinking lots on his own and was hiding it from me. A few times he would pass out drunk and I’d find him in the morning.

While he was getting mental heath support he stopped drinking of his own back.

He has been going through a tough time with his mental health lately. I think he may have cut himself earlier this week but I couldn’t see for sure and didn’t want to make it worse for him by drawing attention to it.

This morning I woke up and he wasn’t in bed with me. I went to the living room and he is passed out on the sofa. An almost empty bottle of Jack on the floor. He had been sick over himself and ruined the sofa.

I just can’t face this again.

How do I handle this with him? I used to be kind and supportive. This morning I got angry and told him I was sick of this behaviour. He was still drunk and it think I made things worse.

Does anyone have experience in dealing with this? I feel like everything I do is wrong or makes it worse.

Do I be gentile with him or do I be firm and say it’s unacceptable?

It sometimes feel that ignoring it is the only way that doesn’t upset him even more.

This is the first time this has happened in about 3 or 4 years. It’s taken me back to how things used to be with him years ago.

I just don’t know what to do and feel like a mess myself right now.

Id ask him to leave.
Do you have kids ?

💐Leave the mess, either take the kids if you have them or take yourself off by yourself for the day. Is your family local ?

We don’t have any kids.

Then end it. Don’t let this be your life.

I don’t have any family local. I’m just dealing with this on my own.

I think I want to end things with him. But I know he wouldn’t be able to cope on his own. It just feels like a lot of responsibility on my shoulders and I need to be in the right frame of mind to make life changing decisions. I’ve been awake since 5:30 dealing with this so I don’t feel like I’m thinking properly.

He is not your responsibility.

But I know he wouldn’t be able to cope on his own.

This is the kind of thinking that could have you stuck in a dead end for the whole of your life.

Don't let that be your life.

With no kids in the frame (yet), now is a good time to give yourself a fresh start. Get your own place where no one vomits and spoils the furniture.

You will be surprised by how he manages even without you. It's truly amazing how quickly some people like this find someone else to prop them up.

So many of us have been here it's quite scary how common it is and how it's usually hidden from all but the spouse
I left (actually I asked him to leave) , I'd had the same experience with my mother too and should have known better than to have stuck it out for years
Life it so much better now

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through. You have every right to be angry and frustrated. I'd suggest though that you don't make any rash decisions about leaving if you're tired and emotional (and this is one episode in a long time, albeit a bad one). I suggest speaking frankly to your husband when he's sober. Tell him you're concerned that things will get back to the way it was 3 years ago. Be honest about what it was like for you at the time. He's got sober before, no doubt with your support and patience, so he can likely do it again. But you should also be honest with him, and yourself, about what you're prepared to withstand. I really hope things get better for you both and that this week is just a bit of a bump in the road.

Honestly get yourself up,dressed and out. Not sure where you are but here in Kent if is a beautiful morning there must be coffee shops open if not now then soon. Definitely leave him to clean up. Don't spend your day waiting for him to get up or sober up.

In which case, just walk. You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself- and you will waste many more years trying.

Sadly, if kids are present, and if he is controlling and manipulative over the kids, then it becomes VERY complicated.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, who drank for trauma-related reasons. I could go months and months happily sober, before something set me off and I relapsed.

Your DH clearly needs ongoing support with his trauma. If you DO decide to stay, it needs to be on the basis that he actively seeks and engages with help. I know how hard it is to access help at the moment, but he HAS to try.

You aren't obliged to stay. It's often insurmountably hard to live with. But this occasion sounds like the first time he's relapsed in a while - did something set him off (you mention cutting as well)?

Thank you for sharing your experience.

He spoke with a counselling service his GP referred him to last week. They are going to be in touch in the next week or two to offer further support.

He has been under a lot of pressure due to changes going on at work. His manager has been very supportive as they know he has been struggling. But I don’t know what more they can do for him.

The pharmacy made a mistake with his medication and he has been trying to sort it out. He seems to find dealing with them stressful.

Now I feel bad for being angry with him.

In your experience how should I behave when he wakes up? Understanding and supportive? Or firm and make it clear it’s not acceptable? I suppose it’s a combination of both.

Thank you all for posting. It has given me a lot to think about and it helps to know that others have been through this. This feels like such a hidden problem. I don’t think anyone I know should even guess this is going on.

did something set him off

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on eggshells incase something sets him off.

You really don't have to do that. There is no obligation and with no DC to complicate matter, not may be a good time for a break.

In your experience how should I behave when he wakes up

He is not a child, he is not your responsibility. I agree with PP, it's a lovely day. Go out and have a lovely time. Let him wake up and clean up by himself.

If you are there, you sound as if you are the sort of person who might feel you should support him and would end up helping him clear up.

You really have no obligation here.

don’t think anyone I know should even guess this is going on.

There is so much shame and guilt around this. It's really not your monkey, not your circus.

Get out while you can.

Imaging bringing children into this situation

The only advice I can give is to leave now. I wish I had. Staying, having children and then dealing with an alcoholic is far more damaging to you. He is not your responsibility and this will more than likely happen over and over again.

did something set him off

He’s had a mix up with his medication. I think that has made things harder for him this week and that’s why it happened.

He got up and is annoyed that I’m not being more supportive. He thinks I’m more upset about the sofa than him. I told him that I don’t care what he does as long as it doesn't impact me. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do or not.

I feel like my lack of support is part of the problem.

Bluntly, he needs to want to help himself. You don’t owe him unwavering support. You’ve got to think of your own well-being. If you leave him (which you are absolutely entitled to do) he’ll have to cope on his own. Don’t stay around out of pity and obligation. I’ve had severe MH issues myself that made me very hard to be with and I’d give the same advice to my ex partners. They were right to leave me and prioritise themselves.

He has to want to help himself, as said by pp. Bluntly put that means he has to accept the fact that when life goes wrong for him, he tends to choose to drink. That's a behaviour he needs to change, and he will need support to do this in addition to the mental health meds and treatment he is already having. AA might be the way, or if he's used to CBT, SMART recovery is another option. But he has to want to change his negative coping strategy because it's having a massive adverse impact on you.

If he will not do this, leave.

I'm reading this very historic thread (trying to deal with my own issues) and wondering how the OP was doing? Did she leave I wonder?