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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Alcoholic partner - what do i do?

42 replies

Pennywalks · 17/07/2022 06:52

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 12 years, he’s always been a big drinker and can be extremely nasty towards me when drunk, never violent.
when he wrote my car off and got arrested for drunk driving is when I realised he had a problem, nothing was ever done after he was arrested, he just got sent on a dangerous driving course. He stopped drinking for 9 months after that but has been stopping and starting again ever since.
we never know when he is going to come home and what state he will be in when he does, we have 1 child together who is 9 and I have another child who is 14. He has been pretty bad and started upsetting the children when he’s drunk, keeping them awake for hours with his shouting and ranting. About 6 weeks ago he threatened my oldest that he was going to ‘smash her in the face’ she hates him and isn’t very nice to him (I can understand why) I’ve pulled her up on it and she burst in to tears saying that he is just so horrible. Last night was particularly bad with him really having a go at her and shouting at her, she was in the shower and he was shouting through the bathroom door that she won’t be so smug when she doesn’t have a roof over her head, and saying she needs to be put in her place. Our youngest also has to listen to this, he says I’m a bad parent putting her through this.
ive tried everything I can think of to get him to stop drinking, nothing has worked. I regularly find vodka bottles hidden in his work van and he is regularly drunk driving, I’ve been to his family to ask them for help and they talk but they can’t stop him anymore than I can. I’ve tried supporting him to get help and he doesn’t want to admit he’s got a problem.
more recently he has started saying that he is the victim and it’s all caused by the way we treat him, he doesn’t remember the awful things he says or does when he drinks. I’ve completely given up and just try my best not to engage in conversation with him anymore, me and my girls do our own thing and leave him to it, he has never really been/shown an interest in doing family things unless it involves a pub.

I’m self employed and have been picking up more work so that I can try and support my girls myself, but I don’t know what to do? How can I get him out of our house? I’ve looked at trying to rent so we can move out but I don’t earn enough money and can’t get help with rent while I still own the house. I’ve read about occupation orders but they are for victims of domestic abuse, I don’t want to make the children have to leave their home.
Anyone else been through similar and can offer advice please?
sorry it’s all a bit rambling, I’m still very upset after last night and really stuck. We don’t have anyone we can stay with to get away.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pennywalks · 18/08/2022 19:47

Thank you @pointythings I will keep the appointment with the solicitor then.
When I’ve spoken to him about splitting up and him moving out, he just cries, I am not looking forward to when he gets angry. He hasn’t come home yet this evening so will probably be drinking somewhere again.
Currently the only way I can leave is if he will help me out with rent on somewhere and I don’t think that will happen!

OP posts:

pointythings · 18/08/2022 19:51

@Pennywalks take some time to put your solo income into a benefits calculator because chances are that you will be entitled to support. And if you move out with your DD, he will also have to pay maintenance for her. It will be tough, but it's better than this.

It doesn't matter if he cries. He isn't addressing his drinking in any meaningful way and you owe him nothing. Just be careful because when his tears turn into anger, you could be in trouble. My late husband also tended to turn on the self pity and the waterworks, until the night he threatened to kill me. So I called the police and he was made to move out.

Original poster

Pennywalks · 18/08/2022 20:46

Yes I’ve tried entitledto to see what help I could get, if I rented somewhere I wouldn’t be able to get help with rent as I own the house it is classed as savings.

I have made sure that I don’t drink when at home anymore so atleast if he kicks off I can take my girls and leave for the night. I wondered whether if I speak with his parents they might be able to help convince him to leave, although it feels a bit childish to go tell his parents.

OP posts:

Hollowtree3 · 18/08/2022 21:10

Sadly I have been your eldest. My dad threatened to smash my face in when I tried to intervene in a thankfully only verbal fight with my mother. She did shout his name and grab him to hold him back if needed. It is an awful awful memory for me. I can totally understand why your eldest burst into tears. My dad finally got sober 10 years later, but only after causing me to have mental health issues, that finally got me hospitalised when I had my first child. Please get your kids away from him.

Hollowtree3 · 18/08/2022 21:14

Also, this is clearly domestic abuse, psychological and emotional. Get a lawyer to get an order to keep him away from you and your kids.

manlyago · 22/08/2022 18:52

Can’t believe what I’m reading! Your poor poor kids. You need to get yourself and them away urgently. Call WA/police/lawyer.

Original poster

Pennywalks · 05/09/2022 06:17

@pointythings I hope you dont mind me asking but when you called the police about your husband threatening you, did you need to have proof? Did social services get involved?

OP posts:

pointythings · 05/09/2022 09:12

@Pennywalks when I called the police it was a 999 call in the absolute immediate moments after he threatened to kill me, and he was very very drunk. So they came out, no proof needed, took my statement and took him away. He'd also had a fall and injured himself so they took him to the nearest suitable hospital.

They told me I did not have to let him back in the house and to call them out again if he kicked off again as they would have a flag against my name and address. They also said they would give me support with obtaining an occupation order if I needed it. I didn't need them because he didn't try to come back in and stay - I let him pack a case with my phone in my hand and a door between us and he knew I would act if he tried anything, but he was more sheepish than anything else. He was a weak man.

Yes, I did have follow up from Social Services, but it was only one call to confirm that I hadn't let him back and then they closed the case. I think I was pretty convincing - the anger had kicked in by then.

GreenGreenGrassBlue · 05/09/2022 09:19

From experience I know this won’t change. This could affect your daughter in so many ways. Have you contacted Women’s Aid yet?

Original poster

Pennywalks · 05/09/2022 09:57

Yes I have contacted Womens aid, through the online chat, they gave me numbers for local places that may be able to help, i said about the situation and the reply I got back was ‘you must feel very oppressed’? Made me feel like I was making a fuss about nothing.
I have also stopped the remortgage, arranged for valuations on the house so it can be sold.
I spoke with a solicitor last week, she said I could try for an occupation order but as there was no proof it would depend on the judge but she said I could try. I don’t want to try and fail as that will make things 10 times worse.
He is very angry at the moment about something that has happened financially and is telling anyone that will listen that I have stolen thousands of pounds from him.
I am very close to leaving the house with my dd’s and staying at my mums although it’s not very practical as she lives in a tiny 2 bed house and I don’t want to end up being there for months.

OP posts:

Delphinium20 · 19/12/2022 21:34

I wonder how you're doing. Hope you and DDs are okay.

Original poster

Pennywalks · 21/12/2022 06:15

Thanks for asking.

So DD’s and I left and stayed with my mum until he moved out after he threatened to kill us back in September. We are no longer together and life is good, Me and DD’s are in our house, which will be going up for sale in the spring and we are looking forward to moving and having a fresh start. I have also been dating someone which is going really well.
Its been about 3 months since we split and he is being awkward and will only speak to me via text, won’t see his dd if he knows my other dd is with her dad, to stop me doing anything. He has stopped drinking, but refuse to give me house/car keys back, changing the locks is on my list to do after Christmas.
So happy that I finally had the courage to leave and wish I’d have done it sooner.

OP posts:

pointythings · 21/12/2022 09:12

@Pennywalks that is a fabulous update, brilliantly well done. And of course he's going to be a twat about it all, but you can let that slide off you.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 21/12/2022 11:11

@Pennywalks
I'm so pleased to read the updates
Hope you have a nice Christmas x

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/12/2022 11:54

Oh I am SO pleased to read to the end of your thread OP!!! Have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas and you should be bloody proud of yourself for getting you and your DDs out. It takes strength.

Delphinium20 · 22/12/2022 06:08

Oh, I am so pleased to hear that things are going better for you! What a wonderful Christmas gift for you to have your independence!

MintJulia · 22/12/2022 06:54

Well done OP. That took courage. Happy Christmas to you and your DDs. xx

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