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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Alcoholic partner - what do i do?

42 replies

Pennywalks · 17/07/2022 06:52

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 12 years, he’s always been a big drinker and can be extremely nasty towards me when drunk, never violent.
when he wrote my car off and got arrested for drunk driving is when I realised he had a problem, nothing was ever done after he was arrested, he just got sent on a dangerous driving course. He stopped drinking for 9 months after that but has been stopping and starting again ever since.
we never know when he is going to come home and what state he will be in when he does, we have 1 child together who is 9 and I have another child who is 14. He has been pretty bad and started upsetting the children when he’s drunk, keeping them awake for hours with his shouting and ranting. About 6 weeks ago he threatened my oldest that he was going to ‘smash her in the face’ she hates him and isn’t very nice to him (I can understand why) I’ve pulled her up on it and she burst in to tears saying that he is just so horrible. Last night was particularly bad with him really having a go at her and shouting at her, she was in the shower and he was shouting through the bathroom door that she won’t be so smug when she doesn’t have a roof over her head, and saying she needs to be put in her place. Our youngest also has to listen to this, he says I’m a bad parent putting her through this.
ive tried everything I can think of to get him to stop drinking, nothing has worked. I regularly find vodka bottles hidden in his work van and he is regularly drunk driving, I’ve been to his family to ask them for help and they talk but they can’t stop him anymore than I can. I’ve tried supporting him to get help and he doesn’t want to admit he’s got a problem.
more recently he has started saying that he is the victim and it’s all caused by the way we treat him, he doesn’t remember the awful things he says or does when he drinks. I’ve completely given up and just try my best not to engage in conversation with him anymore, me and my girls do our own thing and leave him to it, he has never really been/shown an interest in doing family things unless it involves a pub.

I’m self employed and have been picking up more work so that I can try and support my girls myself, but I don’t know what to do? How can I get him out of our house? I’ve looked at trying to rent so we can move out but I don’t earn enough money and can’t get help with rent while I still own the house. I’ve read about occupation orders but they are for victims of domestic abuse, I don’t want to make the children have to leave their home.
Anyone else been through similar and can offer advice please?
sorry it’s all a bit rambling, I’m still very upset after last night and really stuck. We don’t have anyone we can stay with to get away.

OP posts:
thelittlestbird · 17/07/2022 06:54

Someone will be along with better advice than me but I just wanted to send a hand hold. Have you spoken to Al Anon? It's an organisation for those with alcoholic family members / caring with those with alcohol issues.

NothingIsWrong · 17/07/2022 06:57

This is domestic abuse. Very much do. Can you talk to Womens Aid about the next steps?

Who owns your house?

DeedIDo · 17/07/2022 06:59

First off, he doesn't have to actually hit you. This IS domestic abuse.

Secondly, you did not cause his drinking behaviours, you cannot control them and you cannot cure them. It's all on him and he will fix it if or when he is ready, which may be never.

Protect yourself and your children. Contact Women's Aid or your local equivalent tomorrow and start to make plans with their support.

In the meantime, there's lots of support here so keep posting. A lot of us (too many of us) have been in very similar situations

Original poster
Pennywalks · 17/07/2022 07:26

The house is in both of our names, we are currently trying to remortgage as I wanted to pay back his parents the money they lent us for the deposit when we bought the house. I was trying to get it done before I did anything about trying to get him to move out so that we don’t owe them anything and me and the children can then hopefully stay in the house. We started the remortgage in April though and it still hasn’t gone through

OP posts:
Minimalme · 17/07/2022 07:32

I just don't understand how you can put your kids through this.

Why did you "pull dd up" on her behaviour towards a drunk man who threatened to smash her face in?

Staying with this man makes you a bad parent because you are neglecting to look after your dds.

None of this is ok.

ClassSize2022 · 17/07/2022 07:35

What is this doing to your children’s self worth? Why would you pull your 14 year old daughter up on anything? Why would you blame her in the slightest?

You need to get out. Your poor kids.

soundofsilver · 17/07/2022 07:45

I'm sorry. What an awful situation but you are damaging your children by staying with this man. They are scared. No child should feel scared in their own home.
You need to contact woman's aid and get you and your children away from him.

PersonaNonGarter · 17/07/2022 07:48

Your situation is hard but unfortunately I need to be blunt: you have badly let your children down.

They should not have to live one more day of this.

collieresponder88 · 17/07/2022 07:51

Pennywalks · 17/07/2022 07:26

The house is in both of our names, we are currently trying to remortgage as I wanted to pay back his parents the money they lent us for the deposit when we bought the house. I was trying to get it done before I did anything about trying to get him to move out so that we don’t owe them anything and me and the children can then hopefully stay in the house. We started the remortgage in April though and it still hasn’t gone through

You need to listen to your youngest his right ! Priority is the the kids. Get them away from him

Original poster
Pennywalks · 17/07/2022 07:55

Sorry PersonaNonGarter maybe I didn’t make it very clear, I spoke to her about speaking nicely to him around Christmas. I haven’t spoken to him since he threatened her.
I know I’m a bad parent for staying, but also worry that if I leave him he is going to want to see my youngest and the thought of her being with him on her own when he is drunk terrifies me.
I was asking for advice on a way out, I cannot leave the house, I have nowhere to go and no way to fund it.

OP posts:
SaintHelena · 17/07/2022 07:58

The OP is asking advice on how to get him out - do the lecturers have any advice on the way forward otherwise repetitive posts are a pointless effort.

mdh2020 · 17/07/2022 08:37

Al Anon has a mantra :
I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it.

All you can do is get out.
He will only stop drinking if he wants to which is usually when he reaches rock bottom and that is much lower that you can ever imagine. On the other hand, he may never stop. You need to put yourself and the children first. If he is violent you need to call the police every time so you have an official record of his behaviour. I would also say that you need to obtain legal advice as to your position but you cannot continue living with children in this situation. Oh, and forget about the remortgaging and paying back his parents. I’m sure they would be more interested in protecting their grand children.

pointythings · 17/07/2022 15:07
  1. Call the police when you know he is drink driving. He's putting lives at risk, you're letting him
  2. Contact Women's Aid - you may need a refuge space. What he is doing absolutely IS domestic violence
  3. When he kicks off at home, call the police. This will help when/if you need to get an Occupation Order or a Non Mol
  4. Your 9yo will not have full decision making powers in terms of whether they want to see their dad, but their opinion will be taken into account. Having the alcohol and violence issues documented will help here
  5. Get support from Al-Anon or a similar organisation
  6. Make getting out of this relationship your top priority. It will take as long as it takes, but you have to do it

Good luck.

ClassSize2022 · 17/07/2022 16:38

My father reached rock bottom in his 40s and died in his mid 40s don’t put your kids through this. Speak to a solicitor get a free 30 ‘mins,

ClaudineClare · 17/07/2022 17:59

I’ve read about occupation orders but they are for victims of domestic abuse

What he is doing is domestic abuse, trying to blame you and the children for the way he behaves is also classic abuser manipulation.

Please follow pointythings advice and get this man away from your children.

Original poster
Pennywalks · 18/07/2022 05:08

Thank you for your advice, I asked him to move out yesterday but I doubt it will make any

OP posts:
Original poster
Pennywalks · 18/07/2022 05:10

Pressed post to early!
Doubt it will make any difference me asking him to move out.
I will try and make contact with a solicitor and Al anon today as suggested.

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 18/07/2022 05:18

No way will he move out or stop drinking. Why would he? He’d even lose his punchbags for when he’s bored!

Stop waiting for him to change and get the DC to safety. You’re in a horrible position but it will get worse and you’ll lose the DC if you don’t leave. Tell everyone why.

Wallywobbles · 18/07/2022 05:29

I would take your DD to the police station and get her to make a complaint against him. You should do the same, but I'm
Pretty sure you won't.

Then you get him removed and divorce him. Sell the home where your kids have witnessed so much horror and make a new start far away from him.

The wheels of justice turn incredibly slowly. She'll be 16 before it gets to court. And then he will kick her out. And she will never forgive you.

It's tough that you have to do this. And that he won't just réalise what a colossal arsehole he is. But you'll never be able to trust him with the kids.

dadadeedadada · 18/07/2022 11:20

@SaintHelena I was thinking the same myself. It takes a lot to open the can of worms that is domestic abuse and this could very well be the first step. What about, instead of blaming a victim for not doing enough to protect other victims we place the blame exactly where it should be.
Every thread regarding domestic abuse has posters jumping on, protect your children, how can you put your children through this Yada yada. Anybody that's been through it knows that it's not as easy as packing your bags and walking out the door even without children.

EternallyFrazzled · 28/07/2022 18:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at OP's request.

Original poster
Pennywalks · 29/07/2022 05:57

Hi @EternallyFrazzled
It sounds like you’re in a terrible situation too, I really feel for you.
Not much has changed for me, he woke up last Monday morning and declared that he no longer drinks, had to laugh as I’ve heard it so many times before, it happens every 3 months or so! It didn’t last long as Sunday evening he came home and was constantly going out to his work van to have a drink. When asking about it the next day his reply was ‘I didn’t upset anyone did I?’ He doesn’t seem to understand that just him drinking puts us all on edge.
I’ve told him to move out and he says he is looking for somewhere but I know he isn’t, I am planning on putting our house up for sale when my girls go back to school in September.
You need to try and get out especially for your daughter if it’s making her unhappy, (easier said than done!)
Have you tried telling friends about what is happening at home? I have been and have had a few close friends and family say I can always go and stay with them for a few days if it gets bad here.
As people mentioned on here talk to Womens aid and see if they can help with a plan? Call the police if he is abusive? Speak with a solicitor to see about how you can legally get him out of the house?
Another thought, could you speak to his mum and see if she can convince him to leave? I tried that but my mother in law doesn’t want the chaos he brings with him in her house.
Hope you find a way to get out, if you ever want to talk please send me a private message.
Hope you’re ok.

OP posts:
jammiewhammie65 · 29/07/2022 07:59

Next time he is abusive shouting swearing and frightening your daughter call 999. Start to get all this logged down hopefully they can help you to get him to leave the house you can then make a plan from there regarding the sale of the house. Main thing is to get him out.

Original poster
Pennywalks · 18/08/2022 18:02

I haven’t posted in a while, but was after some more advice if anyone can help. My partner is still drinking, his aggressive behavior has calmed but we are still walking on eggshells and feel uncomfortable around him and having to listen to his stupid drunk rambling. He is never going to stop drinking, I know that and his behavior will slowly get worse again. Yesterday morning he told me he wasn’t going to drink anymore and when I came home in the evening he was drunk again. I’ve now asked almost daily for him to move out, he says he will but is burying his head in the sand and doing nothing about it.
I have made an appointment with a solicitor for a weeks time but not sure if that’s the right thing to do? Unsure what a solicitor can do to help me get him to go.
I guess my next steps are to put the house up for sale? He says he won’t let me sell the house. I don’t really know why I’m posting again, but I don’t know where to start with getting him out or me moving out, it just feels so utterly hopeless at the moment

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/08/2022 18:52

It's going to be messy and yes, you will need a solicitor's advice around selling the house. It is in both your names so it will be difficult to make him leave unless he becomes violent again, and you may need to be the one moving out and then sorting the house situation once you have.

I do think it is important for you to leave, but prepare well when you decide to go because that is the time when abusive partners are at their most dangerous.