Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Hitting me in his sleep?

11 replies

Iwanttenofthose · 02/07/2022 07:08

DH hasn't acknowledged having alcohol dependency but I think he does.

When he's drunk he sometimes lashes out in his sleep. I always sleep with my back to him, it's a habit I started when I was pregnant to protect the baby because he went through quite a bad drinking spell at that time. He was on a bender last night, crashed out in bed then punched me in the back so hard it's still sore a few hours later. I've been up all night and will now be on my own with the kids all day.

He won't admit he has a problem and will think I'm exaggerating or guilt tripping him. I just have no idea what to do. His mum died from alcoholism but she was very neglectful towards him as a child, he hates her for what she did to his childhood and he reacts very badly towards any idea that there may be any similarities at all between him and his mum.

I should clarify he's not a violent person when awake, this seems to be some kind of alcohol induced sleep disorder. I just don't know what to do because he won't recognise that there's a problem. I don't know what I'm hoping for from posting but it would be good to hear if anyone has gone through anything similar.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 02/07/2022 07:23

Hi op
Currently divorcing a 'problem drinker'
How much / when does he usually drink ?
What conversations have you had with him about it?
For now is there anywhere else you can sleep ?

KangarooKenny · 02/07/2022 07:26

My DH (drinks a bottle of wine a night) started having nightmares due to a stressful situation. On the second occasion I woke up to him hitting me, and he never said sorry yet when I questioned him he knew what he’d done, he moved out into the spare room. I’ve never slept with him since.

ChangedForThisCause · 02/07/2022 07:27

Tell him when he is sober if he drinks he has to sleep on the couch as you are being assaulted in the night.

Original poster
Iwanttenofthose · 02/07/2022 07:54

fedup078 · 02/07/2022 07:23

Hi op
Currently divorcing a 'problem drinker'
How much / when does he usually drink ?
What conversations have you had with him about it?
For now is there anywhere else you can sleep ?

He drinks maybe 5 nights out of 7. The 1 or 2 when he doesn't drink are a real effort. He's attempted dry January a few times but always gives up after a week proclaiming that it's too easy and he doesn't need to do it any more because it's ease is proof that he's not addicted. He's in complete denial and wants to use our home as security to buy commercial premises to open a bar. I can't see how he can spend his life around alcohol and be ok. It's impossible to talk to him as he's just so defensive. We are currently decorating our bedroom so both sleeping in the spare room, but yes as soon as the bedroom is done we'll have a spare room so I'll move there when he drinks to excess.

So sorry to hear your situation, how long were you together? Was the drink always an issue or did it build up gradually?

OP posts:
fedup078 · 02/07/2022 08:05

We were together 8 years and yes it was always an issue, more fool me, I thought he would 'grow out of it'
He's a professional , middle management in education. I still can't grasp how he can block a bottle of wine early Sunday morning then go off to work like he's any normal person on a Monday

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/07/2022 08:20

My ex husband is an alcoholic. He always said I'm not an alcoholic, I have a bit of a problem but I'm definitely not an alcoholic. Until he began having hallucinations and a hospital Dr told him hes an alcoholic, then he believed it.

Candleabra · 02/07/2022 08:32

He’s very firmly in denial.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself. Being “asleep” is not an excuse for hitting you. How does he react when you tell him? Defensive? Upset? Apologetic?

HangingOver · 02/07/2022 08:46

You do mad stuff when you're asleep in black out. I think alcohol can scramble the part of your brain that is supposed to stop you acting out your dreams. Getting up to pee and going in the wardrobe is a really common one.

My sympathy OP. Addiction tells you you're fine when deep down you know you're not. It may take a big shock to get him to acknowledge what deep down he will know on some level.

The first time I gave up (it takes a few gos) it was because my boyfriend at the time essentially said "I love you but if you keep behaving like this we can't be together". It was a HUGE shock that a) my behaviour was affecting him so badly and b) I was obviously not covering it up anywhere near as well as I thought.

Lots of people will tell you "he needs to reach rock bottom" but people that work in addiction are actually far keener on pursuing early intervention and treating people before they've lost everything and are physically dependent. You wouldnt let any other disease get to end stage before seeking help.

Would he listen if you told him straight that he ha a problem and it's harming you and him and you can't be with him of he continues? Because whatever he says, you'll have your answer then, even if it's not the one you want.

Original poster
Iwanttenofthose · 02/07/2022 09:39

Candleabra · 02/07/2022 08:32

He’s very firmly in denial.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself. Being “asleep” is not an excuse for hitting you. How does he react when you tell him? Defensive? Upset? Apologetic?

All of the above really... I can tell he's genuinely remorseful but he's also very quick to point out that it was just an accident and he's not in control of his actions when he's asleep. He doesn't acknowledge the link between alcohol and this happening - to him it's like he's just rolled over in his sleep and knocked into me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwanttenofthose · 02/07/2022 09:42

@HangingOver thank you, your reply was really helpful and insightful. I'm sorry you've been through this.

Deep down I think I know that if I said this to him he'd see it as emotional blackmail. His mum used to use threats to keep the family together and I think he would link my statement with her behaviour and start to see me as a manipulator. I honestly think it'd be the end of our relationship and I don't have it in me to do that to our children because we're so very happy together when he's sober.

OP posts:
HangingOver · 02/07/2022 09:58

The thing is my love this won't go away on it's own. Also I think ultimatums are 100% allowed in these circumstances. By calling it emotional blackmail, he'd absolutely be trying to manipulate you, not the other way around. People always trot out the line "he won't change unless he wants to" but it's more nuanced than that. Everyone is different, but in my case, the ONLY thing that would make me quit was truly realising that I was hurting those around me. The harm I was doing to myself wasn't enough motivation.

I guess the problem is, if you're able to deliver the ultimatum, you'll have to follow through on it. Which is scary. It's the nuclear option basically. But it won't change on its own. If you choose to stay with someone in active addiction who is in denial your family will always be subject to a certain amount of stress, uncertainty and pain because of it. Not to mention there's a good chance he could end up with terrible health problems because of i which you'll likely end up having to deal with.

Sorry, OP. It's a really sad and miserable situation. Remember, his addiction isn't his fault but it IS his responsibility.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page