Possible alcohol withdrawral - scared

[Flowersinthewindowstill]

I keep typing this out but it won't save for some reason, so here's the short version. Female, 30y - been drinking too much for about 7 yrs, but only very heavily recent. Drinking allows me to be functional and fine most of the time. Went on a 5 day bender on my Birthday - worst ever. My palms and skin have been a bit itchy - used Dr Google and this terrified me about possible liver disease. Been reading horror stories online and on here.

Felt largely fine yesterday (two days post bender). Got to the evening and once in bed I didn't sleep a wink. Burning sensation seemed to be worse and every time I closed my eyes I cholted or saw images. Kept feeling convinced I'm dying - have itchy eyes even. Not slept a wink. Work in an hour and I don't feel I can take the day off as just been off sick for two weeks with depression & then on leave. Big presentation to do this morning.

But I'm worried I might be having some form of alcohol withdrawal. Never had this before, but this was probably my worst ever bender. I've decided I'm most likely going to have to give up & quite happily will do if I can get through this horror. I have pretty acute anxiety though so I'm not sure if some or all of it is that. GP gave me diazepam for anxiety - haven't taken so far but wonder if it's worth trying in this situation. Utimatey though I'm just feeling terrified I'll die soon and no idea where to turn. My family are close to me but don't know how bad the problem is. Also live alone somewhere quite remote so no one nearby for help. WWYD?

To be honest, I'm not 100% sure. I used to love going out and socialising, and drank for confidence and fun. But was pretty much strictly a social drinker. I do have pretty life long social anxiety though which has never fully disappeared, but is helped by alcohol. Dyspraxia. Sometimes wonder if I'm on the spectrum as I struggle to handle emotions. Went to a high pressured uni and drank to relieve stress, though was in control enough to not let it affect my work. My partner also drinks a lot - the real intense benders are always with him. He drinks the same as me over a few days, but no major ill effects. He goes AF a lot more than me though. Also have issues with my family that are unresolvable (not alcohol related.)

I think it just crept up over time, although I will say that life circumstances have impacted whether I've been able to successfully moderate or not. I have gone through heavy ish drinking periods, then abstinence or reduced alcohol with little effort. I'm now very isolated from others due to living situation/the pandemic/WFH too which I think is the main factor.

I often feel when I'm struggling with my feelings that alcohol allows me to either unleash or at least stop the buzzing in my head. I feel like I have a lot of adrenaline without it and it's almost like I need sedating. However, tbh whenever I am sober I find it a little dull, but calm and stable.

Phew that's a lot of reasons - I guess it's a build up of many things. But mostly just changes in circumstances - pandemic isolation made it loads worse for me.

Is it good to write it down like that? You sound surprised at how much you had to say.

My best friend read Alcohol Explained after struggling with booze, it changed her life. No more anxiety. No more hangovers. First 5 chapters are free to read here alcoholexplained.com/1st-5-chapters/

You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. I didn't, apart from my husband. It's nobody else's business, and you can make up a reason for not drinking socially if people notice that you are no longer doing that. You'll probably be surprised at how few people notice, tbh. Drinking is far more important to drinkers than to anyone else, and lots of people don't drink nowadays.

Well done. You've taken the first step, and it's downhill from now.

Sorry if my previous post implied that you shouldn't get medical advice. You are and you should. I just tried to offer support that you will get through it. Not meaning that you should do that alone without medical support.

No worries at all - I didn't take it that way and thought it was a lovely comment.

To everyone else, thanks for your lovely replies and support. For now my plan is to taper in the hope withdrawral won't be so bad. I think for a long time I've just thought I could get away with my drinking because I was in my 20s and people drink a lot in their 20s. I suppose I've had the fantasy of moderation as well, but not sure if it'd ever be achievable to me. I always thought drinking just at the weekends would be the ideal, but I don't think that's anywhere long enough time sober to re-gain any perspective on what life should be like. I'll have to take it one day at a time for now. My doc didn't recommend any course of action for me which I found odd and I felt I had to actively persuade her I was drinking too much? Average day for me is 10 units (half that sometimes) but can be up to 35 on a binge day. As I've always said the best case number, I was surprised she wasn't shocked. I may try the SMART meetings I've heard about on here. I've already read some QuitLit but will also check out the book recommendation, thanks so much 😊

Also (sorry to keep talking) I've felt fragile today, but also find myself feeling tearful when I talk to my Dad on the phone. I don't know if it's partially that I'm admitting I've got an issue with alcohol (which I've known deep down for a few years at least.) Or I don't know if it's just keeping this secret. Whilst I think he'd be supportive, I think my mother would be ashamed - she has numerous MH problems herself, but I still think she subscribes to issues with alcohol being a personality flaw/weakness. Sigh. It's hard - maybe once I'm a bit further down the road the desire to breakdown won't be as strong.

You know your parents, but speaking as a mother of AC, I wouldn't judge if they told me something like this, not just because of my own dodgy relationship with alcohol - I mean that I would hope they could turn to me with any problems I could help with.

I don't have that sort of relationship with my own mother, and whilst she knows that I no longer drink, I haven't discussed the reasons or anything else about it - I left it too late and do have liver damage, so have been teetotal for five years now.

It really is up to you to decide who to tell. On on hand it's not something to be ashamed of - if anything, getting a grip on it is something to be proud of - but on the other you don't have a duty to share everything with anyone unless you want to.

Do you think that knowing others know would help you to stay strong? Or make you feel worse than you already do? Maybe sleep on it for a while and decide when you have all the facts from your GP and are clearer in your own mind about what you want to do?

FWIW, moderation is much harder than just stopping altogether. There is no ambiguity with abstinence - moderation is so elastic a concept that it is torture to anyone who is already struggling.

Hi,

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. It must feel really scary. I would advise to either speak to your GP or perhaps somewhere that deals specifically in an alcohol related area to help with possible withdrawal symptoms (Change Grow Live are quite good in my area). Depending on where you are, there are also a lot of mental health crisis lines that will be completely confidential should you need to talk about anything. Most of all, please be kind to yourself.

Here in your corner. Can't offer much but a handhold. It really is no wonder you feel sad and tearful. Apart from everything else the lack of sleep will be messing with you.

I wonder if your dad represents comfort to you and therefore making you tearful. If I am feeling sad I can bottle it up right up to when someone shows me some kindness. Then I am a mess.

You are dealing with so much it might feel insurmountable. But I believe in you. I am rooting for you. You sound like a lovely person who has been dealt a difficult hand. It's not fair. But you will come through this.

To add to the pain of no sleep, my UTI that I thought had disappeared has come back with a sodding vengeance 😪

Really hasn't been a good day.

Howeer, I do feel a glimmer of hope today. My life was really sliding out of control. I have been a little frightened by the horror stories I've read online but I feel some of them have shocked me into action.

Whilst alcohol has brought me some good memories, in recent times it's made me a flakey friend, terrible with money, extra anxious, argumentative, unhygenic and lacking in ambition.

I also had a super anxious night on Monday. In the middle of a mid-sleep anxiety attack I shouted help and literally prayed for it. Although no miracle has yet happened, I never thought I could ever get to a stage where I admitted it to a GP or ANYONE. So it's the most progress I've ever made.

Also, the hands are much less tingly now which is making me a bit less anxious. Lots of work ahead, but I hope with support I can do it. It really helps hearing people who are on the other side of this now 😊 I hope this isn't offensive to anyone, but having this weighing me down has made me feel so abnormal and trapped. To hear from people that just sound like kind, ordinary people who know exactly what this is like is so comforting.

And that's not to say that addicts can't be kind, ordinary peooke by any means. But I think when you're going through it it can feel so isolating. Constantly masking the secret is so hard and it has made me feel terrible about myself inside.

You can use alcohol to withdraw, either use something strong like vodka & lengthen the intervals between drinks, sip until the feelings go away & then don't start again until the next time, try to occupy yourself if you can, keep your mind busy or if you are drinking say 7% alcohol, drop down to 4% & then 2.5%.

Hi OP, just a couple of extra suggestions - not sure if its been mentioned above but I believe it is possible that the tingly hands is related to vitamin B deficiency - quite common I think in people who drink a lot of alcohol? (I had a colleague once who discovered his odd arm numbness was due to too much alcohol) Some supplements might possibly be a way to help you here but hopefully the blood work will tell you more.

Re the anxiety as you may well have read already, alcohol kind of soothes the anxiety at first but leaves a horrible more-anxious rebound. As a fellow anxiety sufferer this has been one of my main motivations for reducing alcohol. What I find helps me much more is exercise - preferably quite vigorous, though I know that's not possible for everyone - and cold water. Swimming in an unheated pool/natural water ideally, but failing that, I have become quite the fan of half a minute or so under the shower turned to cold.

Wishing you the very best of luck. Sorry your GP was so lame. It wouldn't be the first GP who has been a let-down in this respect, unfortunately.

Thank you! I used to be huge on exercise and not much of a drinker, but haven't had as much time + facilities. But have had a HUGE increase in anxiety since I stopped. I rarely move now. I need to make time for it though as it's so important. My partner is into cold water swimming and raves about it. I'm not much of a swimmer, but will try the shower thing. Also, I had about the B12 connection before - so hoping it's that.

FWIW, my tingling feeling subsided a lot today by the eve. I was on the phone to my Dad and having a good conversation & laugh etc. The conversation turned to going to bed & I started to get a lot of the symptoms back, hot burning, panicking, and thought my eyes twitched. Once we were off the phone I thought I could hear what sounded like voices - not sure if it was my landlord's radio or a hallucination.

Drink Aware did suggest it could be anxiety but I'm wondering whether it's possible that it's an extreme form of anxiety or possibly psychosis. I don't know anything about psychosis so not sure if it could be that.

Not to drip feed either, but I have a history of heath/death anxiety, mixed with some paranoia. But had a good handle on it until a few years ago. I know ironic since I drink so much. I nearly got attacked about 5 years ago and had extreme anxiety at times when walking alone.

Likewise, in the past few years I also had a lot of anxiety around thinking a flatmate might kill me. These weren't consistent thoughts, and said housemate did do some strange things, but it was probably an odd reaction on reflection. This kind of thing could be triggered by the alcohol though I don't know. I'd obviously rather it was anxiety than withdrawral but hard to know.

Yes, very much so. I've been thinking of starting journaling (something I've always meant to do - but never could because rarely sober many evenings.)

Don't want to "butt in" someone else's thread but wow did I need to hear that.

Thank you. You've made a huge difference to my recover

OP I don't know about the different diagnoses there might be for 'hearing things' etc (I suspect having your senses on ultra-high alert from adrenaline, cortisol etc could lead to you misinterpreting the slightest murmur of traffic etc as voices, but you should talk to someone who understands these things), Your anxiety (or whatever it is) sounds really difficult to live with! It does sound as though you should prioritise sorting that out.

Glad your hands are a bit better, use them to grab this opportunity to start to make thing easier and better for yourself !

With the B vitamins - thiamine is often low with high alcohol use. Your GP can prescribe this or you can buy it yourself from pharmacy. Need 100-200mg per day. initially. Plus a good quality B complex such as Solgar.

You sound like you’re doing really well. @hangingover highly recommends Smart. She might pop up and tell you more!

This is not how you safely taper. I hope no one reading this follows it. “sip until the feelings go away” is ridiculous and dangerous advice.

Writing out your experience is a form of self validation, OP. Self invalidation is quite possibly at the root of the problem you've been having. It sounds like it, what with depression and anxiety. What if you came at it all from an 'It's ok to feel like this: anybody would feel like this in my shoes. There's nothing wrong with me' perspective?

www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/validate-yourself/

When I started writing things down, I had to go out specifically to buy a red pen... I wrote in capitals and underlined things. I drew jagged lines around particular angry words. I swore. There was a really angry part of me I'd never listened to, who was angry about things that had happened, but then also massively frustrated about not being listened to, despite all the fuss it made. So many tantrums, so much drinking, so much shouting. Once I started to listen, that part of myself quietened down, and settled into being the part of myself that now goes 'Huh?' when someone crosses a boundary of mine. Sometimes it also quietly says 'Fuck off!', too, but my job is to listen and interpret that voice into something more acceptable, whilst still being heard. Like 'I don't like it when you do that', for example.

Start by writing. Write everything. Write angry, write sad, write even when it's boring writing. And listen to the the voice that writes. How is that part of you feeling? What can you do to support it, and nurture it, until it feels better? This will save you from having a drink to knock it out or silence it.

The thing that's worried me a little is that if I pull my eyelids down they're the tiniest bit yellow (pic attached.) I know there's no point worrying, but do they look jaundiced to you? I know there's no point worrying, but it's hard.

Why you asking a forum for a jaundice diagnosis, OP?

See a professional. It's been said to you right across the thread. It's not going to help your anxiety getting a range of unqualified answers on here.

How's the not drinking going?

Yes, I have booked bloods but it's a two week wait, so quite torturous.

I have been feeling so good today - like I have the chance of a whole new life, so it's a big worry. With the drinking, they advised at Drink Aware that I taper, so I've reduced a little each night and hope to stop around Sunday.

No, they don't look yellow, but Watchkeys is right - you can't get a diagnosis from us.

You'll be very unlucky if you have any permanent damage at 30. It's possible, but not likely. There is a good chance that you'll have a fatty liver, and possibly hepatitis, but both are reversible with complete abstinence.

The temptation is to stop for a while, then tell yourself that the damage will have reversed and that moderation will be fine. It probably won't if you have a taste for the booze, and before you know it you'll have permanent damage and a lot more worries besides. The best thing will be to stop altogether. That's surprisingly easy when you know that drinking will actually kill you, and not so easy when you think you can have 'just a couple now and then'. It's your call, obviously, but you'll stop one way or another, and it's better to do it when you still have a choice.

I know not everyone agrees, but I found that drinking alcohol-free wine was a huge help. The supermarket fizz isn't too bad (and is much lower in both calories and price than the real thing). If you are used to 'wine o'clock' it helps to keep the habit side of things in check until the addiction side is taken care of. I found the ritual of opening the bottle and pouring a drink into a wine glass soothing, and it did the thing of separating work time from relaxation. Others will tell you that it prolongs the agony, which is possible too, but it worked for me.

I would also suggest that you think about whether you want to change your life completely, or carry on as before but without the drinking. I went for the latter, and continued to go to the pub, or stop off at the wine bar on the way back from work. Again, it's horses for courses, but I found that it meant I wasn't missing friends and the routine of how things were before I stopped drinking, so I wasn't resentful. I just swapped wine for soda water (with ice and a slice it doesn't look like a child's drink) and after the first couple of times nobody commented. Whatever you decide, you do have the chance of a whole new life, and it will be a lot better than the one you're living now - I promise.