Hi all,
I need help, really need help.
I don't really know where to begin.Ive never posted,asked or even said out loud I need help.
But I need help.For clarity I'm quite pi$$ed typing this.

I've always liked a drink,for years I've quite liked a drink.Nothing major,have gone weeks ,months even a year or two without it.Ive a family of alcoholics.Ive not had a relationship with my mum for 16 years cos she's a raging abusive alcoholic.Always thought and felt I'd never be like her.But here I am after 2 years of covid, lockdowns ect..and my drinking has increased.Once/twice a week beginning of covid to 3/4 times a week in first year to Every other day after that.kept yelling myself it was just pandemic/lockdowns but here I am now with no lockdowns ect ..still drinking every other day and feeling like being pi$$ed is the best feeling in the world and it's absolutely crushing me,it's sickening and so depressing and making me feel so low and despising myself that ironically the only thing that's making me feel better is alcohol!!

But I 💯 know I need to stop this,but I just don't know how.Everyday i wake up with new found energy to stop it but then i battle in my head,I feel low and think how happy I am pi$$ed and I love the feeling of being pi$$ed and happy that I just open a bottle but then feel so low and disgusted in myself and so it continues in a warped pi$$ed cycle that I just can't seem to get out of.how do I get out if this?how do I stop? It's making me ill,I've pains by my liver and kidneys,I'm constantly dehydrated no matter how much water i try get down me.Ive put quite a bit of weight on,my face has aged so much,I'm tired,worn out,dry skin,lethargic,grumpy.Im meno too so think I'm using it as a "happy" pill but it's in reality having an opposite effect.im just so stuck.i want to do this by myself somehow but I just don't know how?