70 year old mother is a problem drinker

[Holidayhal]

Sorry for the long post - looking for some constructive support and advice please.
My 70 year old mother is a problem drinker.
Whilst she can go for several days without, she can drink 3 bottles of wine during a ‘social’ evening and a bottle in a short space of time during a ‘normal’ evening
(with my father - who likes a drink but does not drink nearly as much).
I have been aware of this for several years and usually excuse myself and go to bed when visiting her for a weekend.
I live with my own family (children and husband - he now hates going there). She gets irrational, ultra sensitive and argumentative and slurs her words.
Recently I noticed that before an evening out on holiday she would drink 3 large drinks and had slurred speech before reaching the restaurant.
The evening was a washout on each occasion and she appeared not to remember the next morning or chose not to. When we returned home after the evening out, she again reached for a drink and I asked her if she should have another. Bad idea. Next day I resolved to talk to her in a loving way when she was sober.
I observed factually that I had noticed that she had been drinking a lot even before leaving for the evening, that she was slurring and that she became argumentative during the evening and that it had spoilt three evenings so far.
I said I was worried about her and asked whether she thought it was a lot to drink? She agreed it was. I asked why she did it and she mentioned the standard reasons of ‘unwinding’ and ‘it’s what you do on holiday’. I confirmed that we weren’t prepared to be around it particularly with the children and that she would need to calm it down. She also mentioned she was anxious and I let her know I was there to support her and that she should consider getting some professional help / therapy if she felt able/willing to. Two nights later we were back to status quo which tells me she is not in control of her drinking. My father also topped up her glass to a ridiculous extent.I should confirm that I agreed with him beforehand that I would speak to her.
He said he had tried before but admitted to never trying when she hadn’t had a drink. If I am honest I consider him weak and enabling for the sake of a quiet life.My mother is clearly unhappy and this is one driver of her drinking (I believe it is ultimately about self esteem).
I have reached the point where I am unwilling to be around her when she drinks too much but worried that she will see this as a sudden abandonment. It’s clearly a problem though and will impact her health at some point (she is already overweight). Any advice please?

It’s very hard because she would have to want to stop and she clearly doesn’t. Your father is enabling her.

i think you do need to withdraw or at the very least do not take the children and husband and tell her why. Whilst there may be reasons why it doesn’t excuse it and you certainly shouldn’t have your kids exposed to this.

at the moment by only having gentle words etc but not changing your behaviour there are no consequences. There is no incentive for her to address the root causes of all the nice things still happen.

what does your DH say? Because I would definitely respect his wishes in this regard.

I have the same problem. I cannot stay with my mother, yet she demands that I visit, and I have to pay for a hotel each time, then she gets upset I cannot go more often. She lives quite a way away so it's a constant source of upset for me.

I love her dearly and basically I make the effort to see her as much as possible and this is my resolve because otherwise I would regret it when she died.

I do not want her to die, I will miss her. I want to see her, but I don't earn big bucks so cannot go as often as I would like.

It's sad. There is not a thing you can do though for someone with an addiction/habit, I know that from experience, they have to want to change.

I wouldn't prioritise trying to stop her drinking, she likely has the attitude 'well I'm not her much longer so may as well enjoy what time I have than live miserably' and for people with addictions/habits like this it would be miserable without their vice.

I've been told 'your mum needs help' or 'you need to stop your mum drinking' by so many people who think the world is a fairytale with no experience of addiction/habit.

But I know exactly how she feels because I have myself had habits (I prefer this term) like this and know full well that you simply cannot make somebody stop.

My advice is enjoy what time you can with your mum and take the peace of mind that will bring you upon her death. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't punish or hate her for her choice - and it is just that; her choice, and her choice to make.

I see my mum right up to the point she becomes unbearable then I leave.

I do have my child around her because I don't think it's fair to stop her having a relationship with her. I know my mum inside out so I can fully see what level she is at, and I will engage with her at the level that is safe.

I don't think it's damaging for my child to know that we have an alcoholic in the family, but I don't expose my child to my mother's worst sides because they are scary.

I don't think you should allow your children to continue to see her like that. But you won't be able to control her drinking, so that probably means withdrawing contact.

Will get her to stop? Maybe, maybe not. Depends what her breaking point. It has come from her needing and wanting to regain control of her life. I suspect that won't be her rock bottom. Also at that level of drinking, I highly suspect there is a level of physical dependancy there.

Dunno why you are minimising and calling it problem drinking when she is clearly an alcoholic. You do know that enabling her by using politically correct langugaue helps her stay drinking? Just call it as it is and decide if you want to hang around. She is the only one who can stop tho.

I disagree with PP about allowing your children to be around her. My children said they were scared when they were in the company of an elderly relative who drank too much.

This sounds like my mum OP and you have my sympathies. I limit nights away with her as I find it all just too stressful and she becomes unpleasant after drinking too much.we had a Christmas Day all but ruined by her drunkenness. In my DMs case she won’t change, I hate my DC seeing this, especially as they approach or are teens but there is little I can do. We never holiday with her though which is sad as she would dearly love it.

Thank you all for your responses. It’s great to know I am not alone although those of you with similar - I feel for you also.Fair point about using politically correct language - it’s certainly alcohol abuse and perhaps more than that. Also an excellent point that nice things continue…this holiday was the first time it hit me so starkly and so I broached it. I recognise that this won’t be the last conversation I need to have and you’re right I do need to now think very seriously about drawing some lines to protect my own family. This has given me the confidence to do that so thank you. Due to go there soon - will report back.

This 100%.

Just thought I would complete the loop - nothing has really changed a year or so on other than she tends to keep the drinking at a sensible level around us (not all the time but mostly). There have been a few slip ups resulting in spoiled evenings for all as she becomes drunk and irrational, argumentative and generally unpleasant. Have realised my father is fully enabling. The end result is that we’ve pulled back from spending so much time and doubt we’ll do another holiday more than a few days - it’s just not enjoyable and I am afraid she only has herself to blame. I think there’s a lot of stuff she clearly self medicates for that should probably be discussed with a professional but I can’t force her to do that so I need to protect my own family. Thanks all.