Alanon

[Alanonnewbie]

I’ve started going to Alanon, I’m not sure what to expect-all I know is I can’t keep doing what I have been doing. Something has to change, and I can’t change him so I have to change myself. I’m hoping others with Alanon experience might tell me I’m doing the right thing?

My partner had quit drinking for 4 years but has decided that he wants to be able to have a drink occasionally if he feels like it. This came out when I found a mostly finished bottle of spirits that he has been tippling from over the last 6 months apparently. I was devastated when I found it.
I immediately did what I always did. Flooded with anxiety I expressed my shock and anger, tried my hardest to make him feel guilty, then ignored him for a week. He also did what he usually did. Denied there was a problem, he hadn’t actually got drunk, he was able to have a drink like everyone else. I was being controlling, threw in old irrelevant hurts from decades ago. Said I would never be happy and just wanted to make up problems when there wasn’t a problem. Then he sulked for a week.
I feel like I’m crazy, I don’t trust my own judgement. I had made an ultimatum 4 years ago and now I’m not sticking to it. I don’t know if I’m using Alanon to hide behind making a decision. Will I get clarity or am I fooling myself (again)?
I’ve been to 2 meetings. The only thing I’ve done is pull myself away from thinking about how much he might be drinking/will drink. And I am being nice and not ignoring him. I actually think he hasn’t drunk anything since the recent discovery because that is our usual pattern after I lose the plot. But I want to be in a better place for when the inevitable happens.

My alcoholic relative stopped drinking for 13 years but then felt he couldn’t refuse a friend with cancer asking him to have a drink with him. From there it was ‘just a couple of drinks occasionally’ and, over the next couple of years, spiralled into drinking from 10am - starting shortly after getting up- to calm the shakes. Physical health and cognitive function declined pretty quickly they are now in a home and can’t even remember their own name most days.

I know that if I had a drink again I would be hooked. There is no way I am capable of being “able to have a drink occasionally” and I honestly don’t think any alcoholic is able to do this.

Your DP is hiding empty alcohol bottles. They are an alcoholic. It’s up to you to decide if you want to live the rest of your life with an alcoholic.

Thanks for your reply. The alcoholic part he has never admitted to. And the almost empty bottle was hidden in plain sight, he just omitted to tell me he was drinking it. He never drank 7 days a week (possibly) and didn’t get terribly drunk that often. Mainly because I managed the situation to the best of my ability. This took a lot of effort, caused rows and completely made me look like a crazy person.

Alanon is fantastic, op.
Accepting the three ‘Cs’ - you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it - was such a load off my mind.

I am really sorry your partner is drinking but you will get help and support at Alanon from people who have been in the same boat as you.

I could have written your post OP. We finally reached a point where he accepted he can’t drink, but he went to a concert with friends the other night and drank then. He acts a very certain way after he’s had a drink, and it was very obvious yesterday, and there were points last week where I was questioning him due to how he was acting, and he was flat-out denying it.
I threaten to leave if he doesn’t stop, but I’m still here.
Your comment about being the one to manage it hit hard - I feel as though I’ve done this too over the years which is why he’s never bottomed out. And the rehashing of old hurts as well - he says this is my fault because of things I did when we first got together (entirely imagined on his part, I never cheated or anything remotely like that) made him insecure. That excuse washes less as we’ve been together so long now.
I started googling Al Anon last night, and wandered into this part of mumsnet as I feel like I’m losing my mind.

It’s crazy making. And I’ve become the crazy one.
I know what he is doing when we row, but I get sucked into it every time. Or rather have got sucked in. I’m not doing that anymore.
I haven’t told him I’m going to Alanon yet because I don’t want it to be a drama, or to secretly think to myself that this will be the thing that finally shocks him into realising he cannot drink.
I need to do this for myself. I need to recover myself. I have accepted that I have become ill because of the affect of alcohol in our family. My obsession with his drinking was/is hurting me. I can’t think straight, I have so much self-doubt and anxiety, something has to change.
Many people would not think the amount my partner drank was hugely excessive. But I knew how much he needed it. How awful his behaviour could be when he was drinking sometimes. That’s why I needed to control it. But all that did was give him reason to dismiss my concerns. Why would he need to listen to a controlling anxious crazy person? He ended up sounding like the more rational of the 2 of us.
I would advise you to go to a meeting. I’m slightly struggling with the ‘higher power’ part as an atheist but at this stage I can admit that I’m powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable - and that’s a start.

"I always did. Flooded with anxiety I expressed my shock and anger, tried my hardest to make him feel guilty, then ignored him for a week."

I mean, this isn't exactly healthy either.

I need to do this for myself. I need to recover myself
Yes.
Re higher power, it doesn’t have to be God, it can be anything such as the Alanon group.

That’s why I needed to control it
Op, sorry if this sounds harsh but no one can control an alcoholic’s drinking and your posts have described exactly this.
If there was a way of stopping alcoholics from drinking or addicts from using then it would be put into practice, but unfortunately there isn’t.
However, you can get help for yourself and it’s great that you are going to Al Anon. After a few meetings you will feel much better.
Also, get some phone numbers from other people at the meetings and give them a ring if you need to.

I know my behaviour was not healthy and know now my anxiety about his drinking led to my needing to try to control how much he was drinking. I didn’t really see it as controlling before, more being helpful.
That’s why I’m hoping Alanon will help me get clarity. I’m looking at how I coped in the past, realising that those coping mechanisms were unhealthy and actually hurting me, and doing my utmost not to repeat them.

I have just posted re Al-Anon and will go to a meeting. It sounds stupid but I feel emotional about going because I will be acknowledging my husband is certainly alcohol dependent. He is a kind, decent man and I would not leave him but I hate the way he gets morose, talks rubbish, lies about how much he drinks and just will not admit he drinks to excess. His mother was an alcoholic and his brothers also drink to excess but to him this is normal. I feel I have been keeping a dirty secret. To our friends he likes a drink, has too much sometimes (we all like going to the pub including me) but they don't know how much he drinks at home - from about noon to bedtime nearly every day if at home. Has anyone told friends or family about their partner's drinking? Sorry for the long post but I have never admitted any of this even to close friends as I feel it would be disloyal.

Op that’s great you are going to an Al Anon meeting.
You are not being disloyal - alcoholism is an illness. You cannot stop the alcoholic drinking but you can get help for yourself.

I’ve been to 6 meetings now and have bought the kindle version of the book.
I’m still feeling confused and there is a lot of tension at home. DH is on a hair trigger and weekends have not been fun. I’m trying not to react and make the situation worse. He has started drinking again sporadically and not excessively.
He’s angry with me at the moment because I went to a social event and didn’t ask him to come with me. He feels excluded but this event was important to me and I did not want to be feeling anxious and worried all evening. I didn’t handle it well at all, but I know deep down we would have had a row anyway no matter what I had done. At least this way I got to spend quality time with the people I wanted to see., and that was important to me.
I haven’t told do that I have been going to Alanon. I didn’t want it to become part of the drama. I’m not sure whether I will do that sooner rather than later.

I am sorry you are going through this with your dh.
Living with an alcoholic is, in my opinion, one of the most stressful experiences one can have. Alcohol abuse ruins everything and makes family life unhappy.
Hair trigger is a good description.
‘That’s great you’ve been to 6 Al Anon meetings - I’m sure you have found help and support there.
Try to hate the illness and not the person - but I know it’s not easy when living with it.

Thanks for posting this thread @Alanonnewbie
I'm so sorry you are going through this
I lived with my 'problem drinker' mother and then I went and married one
I'm currently divorcing him and keep wondering if there was anything else I could have done or if I should have given him ANOTHER last chance but I know I would have ended up in this situation again
It's all very sad