Mending Relationships After Giving Up Alcohol

[BlueVixen]

My 3 children (now16,18 and 20) moved in with their father when my drinking got bad. I'm now not drinking but I have very little to no contact with them (they are only about 4 miles away, two drive and have cars). It's breaking my heart. I text them about once a week with a non-pressure message just to so they know I'm thinking of them and love. I don't know what to do for the best. I don't know how much I should try. I don't want to be pushy. I guess I just don't know where the line is. I can't find a counselling service that can help. My children don't know I'm not drinking because they aren't here. I totally understand their lack of trust (too many promises broken), anger and pain (my mother was an alcoholic). Their father has dissuaded them from having contact with me in the past. I just don't really know what to do for the best. Giving up drinking has to be for me, I know, but not having contact with them makes it so hard not to relapse - just to blur the edges for a few hours.

I've got no family and no support network. I've been to the doctors, had some counselling and engaged with the local alcohol service, Turning Point. Turning Point were helpful when I was giving up but there's nothing much they can do for me now that I am alcohol free.

I'm feeling very vulnerable. The image attached is exactly how I feel.

If anyone has any ideas I would be most grateful. Thank you

The fact you put it on them not to relapse says you're not ready to have them in your life. Sometimes damage is irreparable.

When you stop the moping and get the best health life you can then maybe. No more self pity, there's a lot of damage that needs repairing to yourself before you can even think about your kids.

Do you think they can forgive you?

How bad was the impact on their childhood? Were there incidents where your drinking badly affected them?

If so it may take more time. They might want to know you've been sober a certain amount of time before they would consider contact.

How long have you been sober?

I feel for you OP.
Your DC are most probably protecting themselves by staying away from you. Being around an alcoholic is soul destroying.
Having said that, I think relationships can be re-built. Not the same relationship it was before (parent/child) - that has long gone and might be too painful for them to rekindle. But, you can build a different kind of relationship. Take it slowly. Keep in touch but don’t expect anything from them.
When we hurt someone badly we have to regain some trust and the only way to do that is through your actions, not words.
Be the type of person you want to be.
Sorry that’s harsh but the hard work has to come from you.
Good luck OP!

You say your children don't know you're not drinking. Is that a message you could get to them? This doesn't have to be pushy. Just so they know your status.

I would start by telling them what you say in your post - that you understand why they may not trust you etc. But show them you have changed.

Maybe you could write them a letter? That way you could get your thoughts down in a clear way.

And don't forget to celebrate every day your accomplishment in going alcohol free and rebuilding. Don't write this off as a non-achievement. It's a big deal.

My heart goes out to you. I've been in recovery for over 14 years and yes, relationships can be rebuilt over time. Trust is hard to rebuild but not impossible. Perseverance and one day at a time. AA saved my life and I don't say that lightly - others have felt exactly as you feel and meetings allow you to share how you feel.

Op that's so sad. Well done for getting sober that is tough. You say you text your DC do they respond? I would probably get a message to them saying exactly what you have said here. Be honest, as you know it's all on you, apologise for what you have done and explain how you have changed. Keep messaging weekly though so, they know.you have not forgotten them.

Would.you consider joining aa I have heard they have good support groups and it may help keep you focused if you don't have any support. Meanwhile keep pushing forward and improving, I can understand the need to drink as you feel alone and don't see your children but do this for them. If you slip again they may never forgive you.

Look after yourself and be kind, it's a hard and lonely road but the alternative is so much worse. Think of your DC when you are contemplating a drink. How long since you last had a drink?

I wish you the best and hope things improve for you.