How will this end??

[Mum2two29]

Hi, I really don’t know what to do anymore. My brother has been drinking for about two years now and he is more drunk than sober these days. He doesn’t listen to anything you say. He has no care for anyone else’s feelings but his own.

He lives at home with our mum still but the pressure this is putting on her is very worrying. She is 57 and can’t put up with the stress anymore. His recently lost his job so whenever he can get money (mostly borrowed) then he will have a few days of drinking. My mum is trying to hold a full time job down but it’s starting to effect her attendance at work.

She would rather he moved out but there is no where he can go. They aren’t getting on at all.

can someone please give me some advice on where we go next. His been on a detox 3 times and it lasts about 5/6 days and then it’s like he never had it.

I wake up every morning thinking something bad is going to happen to him.

I would really appreciate some advice. Xx

I would advise you both start to attend Al Anon meetings which are designed for families of alcoholics. They will support you through detaching with love and keeping yourselves safe.

You can't do anything about him so focus on getting help for yourselves

Thank you for your reply. I have heard about these meetings so I will give it a try. I will try anything I can because we just can’t go on like this anymore. I have a young family of my own and it’s putting pressure on us all. Xx

Hi @Mum2two29
You posted on my 'relatives’ thread the other day. I too have a sibling with chronic alcohol issues. I wish I could tell you what you can do in practical terms but, honestly, it’s impossible. Until they are ready to stop drinking, everything you try will be useless. It has taken me about two years to realise this too! My sister has now been chucked out of her house and is sofa-surfing; I live in a different part of the country and she mostly ignores my calls. I am constantly checking my phone, expecting the hospital to call, but I’m not even sure she would tell them to call me anymore. It’s a nightmare. I understand the 'detach with love' concept but it is very difficult not to feel responsible when they are your relative. I sometimes feel like I live a double life – smiley mum and work colleague on the one hand and dealing with all this shit on the other.

I second the advice of @FusionChefGeoff to make contact with Al-Anon (you can see my other thread from yesterday, answering someone who wanted to know what happens at the meetings). You can also telephone their helpline and have a good cry or rant! It’s very supportive to be with people who know what you’re going through. They won’t be able to tell you what to do with the alcoholic though, only how to best look after yourselves. Your mum’s situation sounds very tough. Ultimately, she might have to make the decision that your brother can’t live with her anymore but, believe me, I understand that that is a very difficult decision to make.

In terms of ‘How will this end?’, no-one can say. I spoke to a man on the Al-Anon helpline about ‘rock bottoms’ the other day – he said that an alcoholic’s rock bottom is ‘somewhere between a paper cut and death’ i.e. for some people, a relatively small thing can make them decide one day to get support and stop drinking, whereas some people just never find that. My sister has so far plummeted through every rock bottom.

Solidarity and always lurking around if you need a rant or cry

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. . I’m really sorry to hear about your sister. I live 5 mins away from my brother so I can’t imagine how hard it is when you don’t live so close.

I called the helpline for al-anon about 10 months ago and the lady was very to the point with me and said my main priority should be me and my family. I understand why they say that but like you say you feel like it’s your responsibility and it’s very hard to detach when you can see how much pain they are in and causing.

I have reached out to another charity that helps the families and they have emailed me today so hopefully I will feel better after talking to someone.

I hope something changes and your sister realises how important she is.

xx

The Al Anon lady was right.

I'm in recovery myself and, until I was desperate enough, nothing that anyone tried to do would have stopped me drinking.

It's a powerful and inexplicable force that drives you to keep drinking no matter how much other people tell you it's wrong you can always justify it / ignore them if you aren't ready to stop.

It's only when you reach your own rock bottom that you can surrender and ask for help.

I'm lucky in that my 'bottom' was before I reached 24/7 drinking etc but my own desire to stop drinking came from what was happening inside my head and had nothing to do with outside influences.

Genuinely, protect yourself and just aim to be there ready for if they ever reach out for help.

Thank you it’s really interesting hearing it from someone who has been on the other side. I did wonder if it would take something bad to make him think about what his doing. The thing is his been hospitalised a few times now and they say his liver is in a bad way. Surely that would be enough to say enough is enough 🤔 xx

There is a whole world of support available. I can recommend some brilliant therapists who can help - let me know if you'd like some names and numbers.

I work in this field so am very aware of the impact this issue has on loved ones.
Unfortunately the lady from Al-anon is correct when she stated that your brother's drinking cannot overtake your life.
One of the key messages is the three c's;
You didn't cause the issue
You can't control the issue
You can't cure the issue.
As painful as it is, there is little you can do other support your brother to access help and being mindful that any support isn't actually enabling.
So often families do anything and everything to try and 'save' their loved ones, which leads to the drinker to not experience the full negativity their drinking brings.
As your brother has already gone through a few detox programmes, it can be an indicator that alcohol still brings more to his life than sobriety. Until that switches he is unlikely to find the motivation to engage with meaningful recovery.

It is so easy to become consumed by these issues that it can rob you of your own life experiences, health and wealth.
Boundaries are your key to minimise the impact of this on you and your mother.
Definitely reach out to your local alcohol service, most should have some form of family support (though it can really vary).
Look up ADFAM, Alcohol Change, CGL, they should all be able to signpost you to specific support.
Wishing you and your family all the best.

Thanks for your reply. You are totally right when you say the 3 c’s. At the moment this does seem to be consuming my life. One day I feel ok and the next I feel so down about it all. Xx

My ex was an alcoholic before he met me. He overdosed in the end and stayed in for his detox. He had walked out three times before. His daughters tears and red eyes over her face mask made him realise he never wanted to drink again.

He's a troubled soul and I am sending you the biggest hug. Me and my now ex couldn't work out because he never sorted his emotions after being sober. He just carried a rucksack of problems around everywhere he went.

My ex always said he did it because he was ready. Nobody else can do it. Only your brother. I know that's hard to hear. But he needs to somehow wake up and see it himself. It's absolutely heartbreaking but I hope he does try soon to quit it.

Is there any obvious struggles or trauma he's masking?

Hello, his very depressed and lonely. I think he uses alcohol to mask how he is really feeling. When he is sober he is an emotional wreck which is just heart breaking to see. Xx

It's the most painful thing to watch. My ex is so so loved but everyone has walked away or he has walked away. He's lost his dad, brother, kids, aunties and uncles. Cousins. The couple of cousins still in touch with him don't like how he's treated me and one if them has now cut him off as he owed me money. It wasn't about the money it was about the selfish games he was playing. Not communicating and blocking me. Being cruel throughout the relationship too.

I believe that we have to love them from a distance but understand we can't change them. We can't save them. We can help in our own way. By being there. But the addition itself needs to be dealt with by him.

My ex had years of anger inside him from his broken relationship with his dad. His mum dying and he lost his last relationship before me due to getting attention and contacting other women. He was a raging alcoholic by then and was still sort of working and functioning. He lost his job due to drinking and that spiralled him to a suicide attempt after six months of drinking solid. He met me when he was 3 weeks sober and we began talking and didn't actually have a relationship until 11 months later. What I noticed in him was his moods were swinging constantly. He was often asleep. He was on pain killers for back pain too. He wasn't eating well. He went back to work but he wasn't dealing with life in terms of his ex and what had happened. Plus the broken relationships with the rest of his family.

It's a really difficult long road. I could cry for you x