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Alcohol support

My fault

21 replies

Asti4ever · 04/05/2022 08:39

I know all of this is my fault. But i would have handelled it different if it was the other Way around..
i realise today i am an alcoholic. I am devestated. Yesterday i made a complete ass of myself, apparently - i cant remember a thing.
I have had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for years.
I woke up om the middle of the night and the penny dropped. I had no clue of how i Got to bed. Dont remember the evening. Remember watching a movie wirh my teenager daughter, dh renovating outside with friend, and Then blank.
I was up from 2 in the night, til dh Got up at 6.30. He looked like thunder. Basically i Went to have a beer with dh and friend and Got really drunk. Entertained them both with tales of Old boyfriends and times of travelling pre kids. Dh Said i flirted with his friend, "wishing he was there on my travles".
I could die. Really i cant cope. I dont remember, i am not remotely atracted to his friend. I am so mortified.
He did not tell me how teenager daughter Got through the evening - i have no clue.
I get this is all my fault . My problem. My issues..
but..
If the roles was reversed - i would have Said something like "ok you had enough lets get you to bed " - i know this is my mess and my issues but i cant help feling like he enjoyed me making a total fool of my self.

OP posts:
Motnight · 04/05/2022 08:50

Accept all responsibility for your drinking and its consequences. You aren't doing that yet. You actually have no idea whether your husband tried to get you to go to bed but you are already blaming him.

Good luck.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 04/05/2022 08:51

I'm sorry you are feeling so low today.
I don't think it is remotely fair to blame your DH. For all you know, he had been saying that. Drunk people are not easy to negotiate with. You say you don't remember what happened so don't assume he just sat and watched you unravel, it doesn't sound like he was enjoying the evening and if his friend was there I suspect he was pretty embarrassed.

Asti4ever · 04/05/2022 09:13

He was not supportive of my insight of me being an alcoholic this Morning and i feel so low. I know it is my problem. But he was only focussing on the impact on him.
And i know he is embarresed. Ofcourse!
But i need help. And support. From professionels - and him. I would support a friend.

OP posts:
HMSSophia · 04/05/2022 09:30

Have you ever tried to "manage" someone who is very drunk and determined to become more so? It's not possible. I'm an alcoholic. It's your responsibility not his. He owes you no support until you start actively changing. Your words and insight this morning are very probably merely the hangover talking. Why should he believe you? Words are easy. Guilt remorse and shame are easy. Stopping drinking is hard and until you commit to that, he's perfectly reasonably not wasting his breath. Good luck. You can stop drinking.

Littlemissprosecco · 04/05/2022 09:34

The change has to come from within you. Make steps to change, and you’ll find the support will follow.

Motnight · 04/05/2022 12:34

Give your dh time to get over his embarrassment Op and be supportive. You really are focused on the wrong person here. Only you can do this. Have you asked for help from the GP yet?

pointythings · 04/05/2022 13:36

Your DH has been living with your alcohol issues for a long time - his emotional support tank is bound to be pretty empty. I've been there, I was him with my late husband. And I don't blame him for being less than enthusiastic about your morning after epiphanies, because he's probably seen it before.

If you want support from him, start doing the hard work yourself now, today. Get online, find your nearest AA meeting, attend. Make an appointment with your GP and tell them. Start thinking about why you drink and invest in some quit lit. Then keep working at it and give the people you love the time they need to learn to trust you again, because you have a lot of making up to do. When they see you are serious, the support will come.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 04/05/2022 13:39

@Asti4ever

Been there with ex h

For years and years we would tip toe round him when he had been drinking.

His mood swings were shocking but of course he never remembered the next day Hmm

I'm the early times I would support him to stop drinking and things would be great but then it always slipped back in and every time it had a detrimental effect on our marriage and life.

Eventually as the sober partner you disengage emotionally with your partner and steps bak to protect themselves op.

You make a post admitting you have a problem but then in the same post say your dh should have put you to bed

Get your head out of your ass op and accept what your doing and you alone in your choices is having a negative eddefct on those around you.

Stop being so selfish and start to deal with your issues.

I kicked ex h out in the end and the relief was immense. Life went bak to simple and calm and I stopped being so angry and resentful all the time.

Your behaviour is doing the same to your dh and sooner or later if it carries on he will walk away

Asti4ever · 04/05/2022 14:25

Thank you for your replies. I am so embarressed and scared.
Have downloaded different pod casts and you tube videoes.
Will start exercising tomorrow when my body hopefully feel a bit better.
I know it is my responibility, solely. But i have never done anything like this before and i am sad that he is so unkind, as it is hard to talk about, with him.

OP posts:
Ikeptgoing · 04/05/2022 14:34

It's good you've acknowledged that you have an alcohol misuse problem and are feeling the shame, it is too easy to forget this low point as you can't remember your behaviour - so please ask you teenage DD to tell you how you behaved and if you embarrassed her. Make today the day you change.

I doubt your DH enjoyed you making a fool of yourself. My exHs behaviour was not funny nor enjoyable for me, I divorced him in the end. He was a horrible person when drunk and I lost count of the times I was humiliated and wanted to leave him where he was and pretend I didn't know him . It eats away at your love for the person until you have nothing left. It made him a selfish man and terrible dad (young children back then). I don't care how hilarious he thought he could be, or how many times he told me to lighten up it was just a couple drinks (no it wasn't), we never knew which drunk version we would get- fun drunk that often went too far or partied til early hours (staying in bed hungover opting out of life next day), nasty aggressive drunk, humiliating-inappropriately-sharing drunk, crying drunk or falling over pissing himself drunk... i lived on eggshells.

Please Get some help from AA or alcohol service as it'll be difficult to do it alone . As an alcoholic you need to stop drinking entirely - there's no such a thing as an alcoholic having "just one drink" in moderation. It doesn't work out like that

You'll feel so much better if you stop, your skin your head and body will feel more alive without the constant poison of alcohol to excess

Be strong in your commitment to be a better person, a better mum and better wife and friend, because right now you are none of those things as an alcoholic, no matter how 'occasional' it is that you blank out through alcohol- it's one too many times.

They say you have to hit rock bottom sometimes to know when enough is enough and I hope this is that turning point for you.

Asti4ever · 04/05/2022 14:36

Thank you

OP posts:
pointythings · 04/05/2022 15:48

If you can use that sadness to drive you to change, that's great. But you can't do it alone - get your GP and AA in first. Let this be your rock bottom, the only way is up.

HMSSophia · 05/05/2022 08:07

How's your relationship with him generally? I drank (and drank and drank) partly because I was profoundly lonely in my relationship but could not leave him. Many People drink because they are hungry angry lonely or bored. These are certainly the states to avoid at all costs while you learn to live without alcohol. I went to AA For a few weeks, I read and read about alcoholism, and joined some online support groups. You can do it

Asti4ever · 05/05/2022 09:38

I am lonely. Have been for years. He is always working or doing hobbies. Tired and sleeping after dinner.
I always took Care of House, pets and kids. As kids are late teenagers now and we live far from everything, i am bored out of my mind and so lonely.
I have been sober since the incident. He is largely ignoring me, but being polite. He went to bed at 8 last night, i was watching a movie with younger kid and slept at sofa.
I dont need to drink,as such, but i Think it is an escape.
Thank you for your thoughts.

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/05/2022 10:12

One of the key things in overcoming a drinking problem is to look at the root cause of it. That does also include looking at your relationships. If yours is not functional and you feel lonely because you aren't there for each other, that needs to be addressed. You are coming across as very insightful, you can do this. It make mean making changes that don't feel comfortable, but this is an investment in your long term future.

Asti4ever · 05/05/2022 10:24

He doesnt talk about feelings and feel critizised by mine, so i dont talk about Them anymore.
He is very angry of me being drunk that evening and i do understand. It must have been awfull. I have absolutely no memory of it. He usually dont Lie, so i have taken his words for it. I am very embarresed and ashamed.
I have been looking up online aa meetings. And looking in to a hobby.
I dont Want to divorce him. We rarely ague and have a Nice life.
But. He is a brewer. (?) he makes beer, Wine and mjød. Hundreds of bottles in the barn. So easy to get and so hard to resist. I dont think he Will volentarely give that up.
I dont know. For now, i concentrate on myself and my kids. Health and a hobby.
Thank you Again, you are really helping me.

OP posts:
Asti4ever · 05/05/2022 14:20

I just talked to a good friend of mine. She highly doubt it was so bad. (!?!) she assume i was chatty and having fun and as im normally very introvert, he didnt like me having fun with his friend.
She Said if it was so bad, why did they not remove themselves, or me? She Think if he is telling the truth, it was cruel just to Watch me make a fool of myself. Thoughts?
He also just called from work. As nothing happened, just chatting of this and that.
I dont know what to Think .
I agree i have an alcohol problem. But my actions that evening is so over the top and so unlike me.

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/05/2022 15:47

Ultimately it doesn't matter what other people think about your drinking - it's up to you to be honest about how much you drink, why you drink and how frequently you drink. You yourself indicate that you feel you have an alcohol problem - so it's time to get proactive about it.

His profession does make things harder, but expecting him to give it up would not be reasonable. We live in a world where alcohol is accepted and freely available. You are going to have to deal with that temptation for the rest of your life.

I would seriously look into getting some quit lit to help you assess where you stand and identify positive changes you can make. I've just Googled this page for you - it contains some titles that often come up in these threads and are widely regarded as very helpful.

I wish you all the very best!

Asti4ever · 05/05/2022 15:56

It is not his profession, just a hobby.
I know it is my problem.. but someone here Said i should look at my relations, so i am. And when i talked to my friend and listen to her, maby my relation is not good. I take responsibility for my drinking, just looking at my relationship.

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/05/2022 16:44

I was the one who mentioned looking at your relationship as part of the causes of your drinking. There might well be others though. Thing is if you are using alcohol to cope with the bad parts of your life, you're on a hiding to nowhere. Conversely if you address those bad parts, however hard it is, you will come out better and have a real shot at happiness. My late husband could never do that self scrutiny - it was too painful and difficult for him to do.

Rupertpenrysmistress · 05/05/2022 22:22

Hi op from what you have written you do have an alcohol problem. You now need to address it and decide on your next move. Don't worry about what exactly happened, sadly your dd must have witnessed some of it and you have no memory of how you got to bed. Don't make excuses.

Do you think you need to stop drinking? I have been in a similar situation to you and have decided I need to be sober. It is hard but so worth it.

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