AR-BD mum and her Vanquis debt

[StressedMom4]

Hi everyone awhile back I posted believing my mother had early onset dementia and was struggling for her doctor to help and take it seriously. To cut a long story short I believe she suffers from Alcohol Related Brain Damage. She still works full time (although is at risk of losing her job) she still lives alone in a 3 bedroom house (the council have said only she can downsize and fix all the repairs). She has a cash card account not a real bank account, so she's gotten herself into years worth of debt by using a Vanquis credit card to pay for some of her bills through a direct debt, but- I'm not sure how long it's been going on, she's not been paying her Vanquis account and is locked out of it by forgetting her email address and even the bills she's put through the Vanquis.

I tried getting in touch with Vanquis and after 2 hours being on the phone to them and explaining she has dementia and could they just cancel her bills from the account, they couldn't unless she herself speaks to them and provides the necessary security questions.

She hides all of her letters from me and my sister's, and the rare ones I do find are the ones saying she's in arrears or her negative statements from Vanquis requesting she pay the minimum.

I'm just at a loss on what to do to help, Social Services said they couldn't help unless she herself asks and that she needs to get herself on a rehab programme through her doctors. I got in touch with Citizens Advice and they can only speak to my mother, but she refuses or forgets to do so.

Has she actually been diagnosed with Alcohol related brain injury or Dementia?

They obviously can’t just cancel the bills because you phone them up. If it’s a credit card and she hasn’t been paying it then surely any regular payments she’s got going out of it will be declined anyway in future?

Is there anything you can do to get in touch with her GP? Could you go with her to CAB so that you’re present when she’s being given information?

I’m sorry, it must be such a worrying situation to be in.

No she's not been diagnosed with anything yet, she's only had two MRI scans and a lumbar puncture, when she received the letter with the results from the lumbar puncture it mentioned things related to multiple sclerosis (she's had tests for that too but it's all just going round in circles) I've spoken to her doctors to ask for an appointment unfortunately they're still only offering telephone appointments which my mother doesn't answer (her memory is so scarily terrible she can't remember to answer a phone call or text) and they won't speak to me without her present.

I struggle most days to track her down (she works days and I work nights). We've spoken about going to Recovery Near You which is close by to where she works but she refuses, says she knows too many people there and that she won't leave work early to attend.

She didn't pay her council tax for a whole year and I only found out when I saw a letter about her missing a court summons. I ended up paying off the whole debt because she just out right refused to pay for it.

I'm just so so stuck and all the necessary places you'd seek help from can't unless she accepts their advice at acts on it. Social services were really surprised she still worked full time and lived alone with how bad her symptoms and mind set is.

No one will let you cancel something because you think she might have dementia or something else.

Your position is incredibly difficult. But they can’t have situation where anyone can call up and cancel someone’s access to a financial service. Also make sure you don’t tell them anything that is not truthful or fact.

We had a similar situation with my grandad. Heavy drinker, showing signs of dementia. Unfortunately there isn’t much help until they declare her incompetent. Even then there isn’t much help. We finally received help once a neighbour called the police when he was kicking off in the street and the police were called. He was then detained under the mental health act.

at this point, unless she actually takes steps there isn’t much you can do. But please remember to look after yourself. Despite 6 of us looking after grandad, it aged my mum terribly and she died only 6 years after him. It really took its toll.

Thanks guys, I knew it was a bit of a long shot trying to investigate into my mother's finances and stuff, it's just so incredible hard watching someone refusing help and digging themselves a hole.

I feel so heartbroken.

OP it might be worth you attending Al-Anon yourself - have you considered that? It's the group for families and loved ones of alcoholics.

I can only imagine how painful and stressful this is for you. As she clearly isn't engaging with you or anyone else, it may have to be a matter of stepping back and letting things come to a head/reach crisis point. Firefighting to the degree of paying off a whole years council tax (and this is only part of it) is putting a very expensive plaster it on an open wound.

In your situation, I would write a very candid letter to all involved agencies (including her GP, social services and anyone you are aware she owes money to) stating the history, your concerns and making clear that you are no longer going to deal with the situation.

I know this is easy to say and hard to do, but you can't fix this OP and the fact she is still working full time will be seen as an indication of her capacity. Agencies cannot force intervention and things are likely to have to get a lot worse before anything can be done.

I am sorry, I know it's horrible.

Thank you, I didn't know such a thing existed in regards to AA but for families of the dependant.

A letter would be a good idea I just feel somewhat ashamed and guilty that I'll be letting the world know the state she's gotten herself into. Hopefully the GP wil at least read my letter and something can be pushed forward for help.

Your right about her capacity and still working. It's what social services said as well. That she still has independence so that no help can be forced upon her.