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Alcohol support

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Original poster

is she an alcoholic or a boozer?

19 replies

Size5s · 29/04/2022 09:25

i would like some perspective. i dont know if she is one or the other and i dont know what to do.

a close family member has always been a big drinker, along with her DH.

however, i have now seen that is much worse. there is always half open bottles around the house, and i have seen her top up on vodka before bed... when she's IN bed. when we have been out, she is always 'animated' to begin with as it seems she has had a couple before she has come to the do, and by the end of it she is slurry, eyes shut, addled. this happens every single time.

when i see her in the early mornings, which i do a couple of times a week to walk the dogs, she smells of booze and her skin is inflamed and her belly is like a hard ball sticking out from her ribs.

the push came when the bank holiday weekend, i saw her friday drunk, saturday drunk, sunday a pic on FB of her in the local RFC with a pint, and monday she asked if we wanted to meet her in the local pub as they were all there. i cant bear to spend time with her and watch this.

her adult kids are emabarrased when she gets like this, and i dread social events with her now.

she is a smart woman, who had a good job, but gave it up to work local and part time. she is kind, funny and loves her family, when sober. i love and miss her very much

is she a boozer or a functioning alcoholic?

the whole family know, but dont know whether to intervene or leave be.

please help.

OP posts:

Discovereads · 29/04/2022 09:34

She’s definitely an alcoholic and probably not a functioning one. I understand a functioning alcoholic to be someone alcohol dependent but rarely appearing to be intoxicated/drunk. No slurring, able to work, able to function without embarrassing themselves in public, and so on.

Her symptoms sound like liver and kidney function issues which will happen to long term heavy drinking alcoholics.

I think intervention is needed and family should definitely try. I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but intervention can only work if the person actually wants to stop their addiction to alcohol. I have had relatives and friends literally drink themselves to death despite multiple interventions- as in its listed on their death certificate. But on other hand I have relatives that have successfully stopped drinking due to intervention, have been members of AA for decades, dry for decades and now sponsoring others.

zafferana · 29/04/2022 09:38

What is 'a boozer'? Someone who just likes a drink, but doesn't have a problem?

Anyone who is topping up a glass of vodka while already in bed has a serious problem with alcohol. Being pissed four days running, not necessarily, as I suppose we all have a really big social weekend every now and again, but it sounds like your family member is an alcoholic. A functioning one, but an alcoholic nonetheless.

zafferana · 29/04/2022 09:40

This, btw, is really worrying and she sound see her doctor: she smells of booze and her skin is inflamed and her belly is like a hard ball sticking out from her ribs.

Discovereads · 29/04/2022 09:47

who had a good job, but gave it up to work local and part time
she may have told herself and you this, but it is more likely that needing time to drink alcohol and handling the after effects of drinking drove her to be unable to hold down a FT job and so she then got something local and part time to fit in around her drinking. Shes well into the downward spiral imho.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 10:02

She sounds like she’s not a ‘functioning’ alcoholic but quite a serious alcoholic. Smelling of drink in the morning, stomach issues and having left a good job for ‘local and part time’ all sound like classic downward spiral.

Her family are aware - she’s aware. The desire to change it has to come from her. But if you’re saying no one has ever mentioned her drinking is problematic - then yes, it should get spoken about. It doesn’t mean she’ll stop drinking.

Original poster

Size5s · 29/04/2022 10:19

sadly she isnt aware. just thinks shes being social. she is in complete denial.

however she will avoid going to the doctors at all cost, and i think its because they will spot her symptoms.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 10:25

She is aware.

She may be in complete denial, but that’s not the same as not being aware she has a problem.

She’s aware of it because she’s having to deny it… That’s why she won’t go to the doctor, as you say, because then she won’t have the ability to deny it, it will be official. It will also be out there as a problem if it’s spoken of by her friends and family. Again that doesn’t mean she won’t deny she has a problem.

wantmy · 29/04/2022 10:25

She's an alcoholic and I'll guarantee she knows. She's just in denial.

wantmy · 29/04/2022 10:26

Post @NoSquirrels

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 10:28

What’s her DH like? If he’s also got a problem she’s unlikely to find change easy, even if she was open to it.

Mintlegs · 29/04/2022 10:33

This could be about my family member. The drinking has been going on for years. We have tried to help as have other family members. Friends see the fun side but they don’t see the devastation, neglect and downright nastiness of this person at home as a consequence of their alcohol and since then mental health issues. Complete denial from them. It’s frustrating and upsetting for the whole family

Georgeskitchen · 29/04/2022 10:39

Sounds like alcoholic liver disease with the swollen stomach

Magnoliayellowbird · 29/04/2022 10:44

I don't think the definition matters, it's the amount of alcohol that's the problem.
She must know she has a problem and unfortunately, mentioning it to her won't help.
Any intervention has to come from her.

Original poster

Size5s · 29/04/2022 11:40

thank you all.
its good knowing i am not being completely over the top regarding the drinking.
i think that i will have to wait for them to ask for help, and i will be waiting.

can i approach the doctors and say something, or is that ethically not allowed?

OP posts:

Herja · 29/04/2022 11:46

That stomach description... I agree it sounds like liver disease (no medical training, but 2 close, now deceased, alcoholics). I'd say she's likely a nonfunctional alcoholic tbh, rather than a functional one, or a boozer.

I believe you can raise concerns with her GP, but they cannot talk to you about her.

Discovereads · 29/04/2022 11:50

I disagree with @Magnoliayellowbird
Mentioning it to her could help. There’s no guarantee it will help, but it is worth trying.

Some alcoholics have MH issues where they deliberately self destruct to see if anyone notices as a sort of test of whether they are loved or not by their family. If no one says anything, that is proof to them of their worthlessness and they drink to blot out the low self esteem feelings. To an alcoholic who is drinking due to such MH issues, someone noticing and saying something that shows they truly care about them can be the kick in the arse to ask for help and turn their life around.

This could very well not be the case with her, but saying something means there is a chance it might help her.

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 12:14

i think that i will have to wait for them to ask for help, and i will be waiting.

Why do you think you shouldn’t mention it?

If it’s because you’re waiting for her to admit there’s a problem, it may come too late (or never).

If it’s because you don’t think it will do any good, then you should still consider talking to her because it might be the trigger she needs to get help.

If it’s because you are afraid she will take it badly and you’ll upset her and she’ll fall out with you, then yes, this is very likely but you need to be guided by your own conscience as to whether you can sit back and say nothing.

It is very hard and I’m sorry you’re in this position with someone you love.

zafferana · 29/04/2022 12:26

I would have to say something, if it were me. You say this is a close family member, so presumably we're talking about your DM, DSis, DD, aunt, MIL, SIL, DSM, cousin? I couldn't stand by and say nothing if one of those people in my life was killing themselves, which is exactly what this person is doing. You can approach the subject with love and concern, tell them that you're there for them, that you understand if they are not ready/afraid to seek help, but that you will be there if they need someone to go with them or talk to or provide support.

IsItiOrAreTheOthersCrazy · 29/04/2022 13:05

I have an alcoholic family member too. What you're describing is how I would have described FM 5 years ago. Back then she went out and drinking was part of her social scene - but she topped it up when she got home and had wine on nights in, often with her DH.

Now, she barely goes out. Has somehow kept a PT job but is losing weight rapidly, drinks as soon as she gets home (whether it's 5pm or 11am), her friends have fallen away and she is defensive when it's mentioned.
She has aged 20 years, she is unsteady on her feet and had a lot of health issues but also avoids the GP like the plague.

It's awful to watch - Once the downward spiral starts it's very hard to stop.
Bring it up sooner rather than later but be prepared for it to either not work or to cause an argument because of how defensive they'll be.

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