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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Shocked at AA

16 replies

recoveringyoungalco · 19/04/2022 13:00

I've been going to AA 2ish years now. But I was honestly left shocked by the chair. How he treated his poor wife. And said he is slipping back into that behaviours. I actually wanted to leave and cannot believe his wife didn't/ hasn't!

I've heard lots awful things over the years but this took the biscuit. What do you do when you feel like that in a meeting?

OP posts:

Sonofabiscuit · 19/04/2022 13:32

Could you change meetings ?

Original poster

recoveringyoungalco · 19/04/2022 14:23

@Sonofabiscuit he has never been to our meeting before and I generally like it. There are only 2 meetings per week close enough for me to make so don't really want to stop it.

But wow I was honestly shocked by what he said. I obv's can't go into detail but it was all physiological and to hear he is 'slipping back into old behaviours' even tho he is a long time sober. Then he had the fcking cheek imo to blame it on being an alcoholic. I was like (in my head) no you're a fcking dickhead!!!!

I supposed it touched nerves too, some of it reminded me of my step dad. At least this guy has awareness of his behaviour.

I know I won't like everyone, and I don't.

OP posts:

Sonofabiscuit · 19/04/2022 14:38

Ah sorry didn't realise.
I'm not much help .
Have you had or have any councilling as well as meetings ?
Even if its to help with step dad .I know my partner's ex used to go to meetings but also saw a councillor to deal with issues regarding her parents .Her Dr helped with this .

Original poster

recoveringyoungalco · 19/04/2022 14:52

@Sonofabiscuit yes, along with psychologist which I must say really helped. It helped to be told actually no what you are describing is not normal and certainly not ok. When you grow up hearing you're fine. Then from media/ everywhere that no family is perfect. You just assume that you're completely dysfunctional shit show of a home situation is a bit further passed 'normal' to fall into the no family is perfect bracket and straight into this is no ok territory!!

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 19/04/2022 15:01

I'm a member of AA and if anything made me this uncomfortable I would ask my sponsor to help work it through with me to work out why it's upset me so much. You need to stop focussing on him and his behaviours and look instead at yours. That's the only thing you can control and the only thing you can change.

Generally, alcoholics are very sick people and it's possible to be a member / in a meeting / doing a chair and STILL be very sick which sounds like what could be happening here.

It could be that your ego is getting involved unnecessarily - after all, why are you so much better / judging his behaviours? It's nothing to do with you ultimately and you have zero control over what he does so there's nothing to be gained.

Phone your sponsor

youshouldhaveknow · 19/04/2022 17:43

I second the previous poster. You need to concentrate on your own recovery and try on not become so focussed on someone else's chair. I've been a member of AA for over 10 years. This guy obviously gave a very honest chair and fair play to him for sharing what was really going on for him and for having the awareness he is not in a good place. AA is a safe place where you can share honestly without people being judgmental, anonymity is the foundation of AA. With all due respect you should speak with your sponsor instead of posting here

lljkk · 19/04/2022 18:22

do online meetings work?

FusionChefGeoff · 19/04/2022 21:05

I know several people who came into AA during lockdown and got sober via Zoom plus it kept many of us sane when in person wasn't an option so as long as the person is ready for recovery, yes, online works in my experience

Original poster

recoveringyoungalco · 19/04/2022 21:50

@FusionChefGeoff very very true, I am no one to judge. I suppose it just struck me as a really bad way to treat someone. I can def see that he was aware of what he is like. I don't have a sponsor. There really are not many women that go around here. Often I am the only 1 and sometimes there is another woman. It's mainly much older men. Who are nice and have to listen to my crap! I go in to share and that's what I do. They probably think I'm nuts.

Like everyone I have heard a lot of stories that have really shocked me but that was what ppl did in the passed. I think it was that he is still behaving in some of these ways which made me feel very uncomfortable. Because honestly it was not ok. This was the 1st one I felt I need to post/ talk to someone about after.

I did do zooms. I had just started in AA a few weeks before the 1st lockdown. It wasn't really my thing. Not sure if it was zoom, or the fact I wasn't really ready or just an excuse 'I can't do it, zoom is different'. They didn't stop me drinking completely but certainly started steering me in the right direction so I will always be so thankful for the wonderful members who organised them. As I heard a thousand times keep coming back. So I did and do!

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 19/04/2022 22:46

I'd really recommend you try some different meetings if you can so that you can find more women and a sponsor. You could also try phoning the AA helpline and asking to be put in touch with a female 12 stepper from your area. Each Intergroup should have a list of people willing to help. I've done that before if I've been travelling and wanted a friendly ear / a meeting to go to and people are always so delighted to help.

Original poster

recoveringyoungalco · 20/04/2022 10:18

@FusionChefGeoff I never knew that about intergroup lists. I will look into that. That's it the two meetings. At least I have those.

How do you actually get a sponsor? Just ask someone will you be my sponsor? I know none of the men in my group will sponsor me, I was told that by a member very early on.

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 20/04/2022 22:20

Yup - I went to a lot of meetings all around the county and listened very carefully to women who were sharing. Started talking to them at breaks etc then phone calls until I found someone who I identified with, who seemed serene and well and was going to a lot of meetings. We went for a coffee and I asked her.

FusionChefGeoff · 20/04/2022 22:22

You could try some zoom meetings! There's nothing stopping you from getting a sponsor or regular meeting in York / Kent / Cardiff / Sydney if you find a good one - there should still be listings on the main AA page for online meetings

Janedoe82 · 20/04/2022 22:24

Is it really a shock that a recovering alcoholic may have done things that are upsetting? Have experienced trauma and acted in ways that are unacceptable??

Original poster

recoveringyoungalco · 20/04/2022 22:50

@Janedoe82 No it is not shocking that a recovering alcoholic has done things that are upsetting. Am I shocked by these stories, honestly, yes sometimes but I don't judge. I have my own stories, we all do. But what really shocked me this time was that he is STILL doing these things. He is decades sober. He blamed his behaviour on being an alcoholic but really it was he was prick.

OP posts:

Janedoe82 · 20/04/2022 23:00

The alcoholism was probably a coping mechanism to deal with trauma which leads to other behaviours- not necessarily the cause of those behaviours. Stopping drinking alone won’t deal with the deep rooted psychological issues.

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