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Original poster

Husband in rehab

28 replies

The6thQueen · 06/04/2022 13:07

DH has been in rehab for a week. I’m missing him, terrified it won’t work. Had a dream last night he came home and started drinking again. I’ve told him this has to be it. I can’t do it anymore if he starts again. We have two children 8 and 11.
He says he wants to stop, knows he needs to stop and he is engaging with everything.
I know I have no control or sway. I don’t know what I want really, just posting for a handhold.

OP posts:
clarkkentsglasses · 06/04/2022 13:17

Handhold from me OP

Both my brother and mother are in long term recovery from rehab. I wish him the very best but not forgetting you

Andante57 · 06/04/2022 15:33

Op have you tried Al Anon? It is for family and friends of alcoholics and it is brilliant.
Have a look on the website for a meeting near you. They have face to face and zoom meetings.
It’s good news your dh is in rehab.

Original poster
The6thQueen · 06/04/2022 16:03

Thank you both. It’s good to hear positive stories @clarkkentsglasses
I’ve struggled to find much on rehab success rates.
It is good that he’s there. He booked himself in, did all the research for it. First time he’s taken ownership of trying to find help and support.
I’m not sure about AI anon. I’ve emailed them before and didn’t find it especially helpful. Plus, with two children it’s hard to go to meetings and zoom doesn’t always cut it. Sorry to be a negative Nelly, I’m down today

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/04/2022 18:07

It's a positive sign that he has chosen to do this and broken out of denial. That said, I totally get your anxiety. This is you coming face to face with how powerless you are to do anything about his addiction and it takes a long time to ease even if he does not relapse. My husband didn't make it and I remember that fear very well.

Al-Anon is not the only organisation that provides support for families of alcoholics. I still attend a group which is not affiliated to any organisation but is purely a peer support group and it's incredibly powerful. It's worth contacting your local branches of Mind/Turning Point/other local support or mental health charities to find out if there is something similar in your area. My group also keeps in touch over WhatsApp and it means help is available when someone is struggling outside of our meetings. It's tough going it alone, I hope there's something out there that you can access.

Userqrgtyd · 10/04/2022 08:59

Just to say we are coming up to 6 months sober for my husband who was in rehab. I understand the fear, I feel it everyday. This is a very lonely place! Better than the drinking, but still a long way to go…. Hugs from an internet stranger!

Original poster
The6thQueen · 10/04/2022 13:28

Thank you for taking the time to reply @Userqrgtyd. That’s really positive to hear, well done to your husband, that’s an amazing achievement. I’m hoping it’s the life changing moment for mine. He says it is, but only time will tell.
I keep having dreams where he has gone back to drinking. All just my unconscious playing tricks on me.
He comes home on Wednesday. I’m looking forward to it and worrying in equal measure.
Any advice on how I can help him?

OP posts:
pointythings · 10/04/2022 13:55

It's the hardest time. All you can really do is support him in handling his own recovery. He will have been signposted to support organisations and been encouraged to attend meetings to maintain his sobriety. However, it has to be his choice to attend and to do the work. The best thing for you to do is accept that you are still powerless over his addiction - only he can decide whether he wants sobriety more.

Flowers - I've been where you are now, I know how tough it is.

Blossomtoes · 10/04/2022 14:03

Hand hold from me. My bloke’s 16 months sober, he’s totally committed to his sobriety right now but we all know that could change. What’s really helped him is AA, his support network is brilliant and the meetings have helped enormously.

If you’d like his number - he talks to fellow recovering alcoholics every day - just PM me. He’d be happy to support your guy.

Hepzibar · 10/04/2022 14:14

Hi OP. Just over a week in Rehab sounds incredibly short? Is it a detox centre? As others have said, he will need the support of AA when he comes out.
My DH manages a Rehab Service so happy to answer any questions

Summersolargirl · 10/04/2022 14:19

Is he just in to detox and out? Isn’t rehab usually a min of thirty days? Seven would say he’s just in to get dry for a week then coming back, is that right?

Original poster
The6thQueen · 10/04/2022 14:23

He will have been in for 14 days. Sorry if that wasn’t clear in my OP, he went on Wednesday 30th March ( his birthday).

OP posts:
Original poster
The6thQueen · 10/04/2022 14:24

Thank you @Blossomtoes, I’ll ask my husband if he’d like to do that.
He is determined to attend meetings regularly. He’s been going twice a week whilst in rehab. Says they’ve been really useful

OP posts:
Original poster
The6thQueen · 10/04/2022 14:25

He comes home on Wed 13th

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 10/04/2022 14:25

You’re more than welcome. I hope he finds AA as helpful as mine has. It’s completely turned his life around.

Original poster
The6thQueen · 10/04/2022 14:26

@Hepzibar, thank you. That’s incredibly kind of you.
Do you think he should have done longer? They do programmes of 14 days and 28 days. He’s not really physically dependent, so detox only took him a day or so, then he went on the therapy programme? I think I’ve explained that right?

OP posts:
Hepzibar · 10/04/2022 20:15

It sounds like a detox unit. Rehab is usually around 12 weeks but minimum 30 days.

Original poster
The6thQueen · 18/04/2022 16:22

Thank you for the clarification @Hepzibar 😊

He came home Wednesday afternoon. He was very tired and pretty much fell asleep by 8pm

He’s determined not to drink again. Been to meetings everyday apart from the first one when he missed his meeting as he fell asleep so early.

No cravings so far, but he’s not back at work yet. I think he’s a bit apprehensive about how he’ll cope when that happens?

He’s been very active, he gets up at 5ish as he can’t sleep much after that. He’s been doing lots of DIY and jobs we’ve been putting off for months. We do daily reflections together - been nice to do in the sun this week. He’s becoming quicker and quicker with them though, think I need to suggest he resets and focuses on them again?

He’s tired by about 9.30-10pm and falls asleep fairly easily. Says he’s sleeping well. No tablets or anything at this point. I’ve been poorly so have unsettled us both with coughing.

He’s been running each day too - he used to do marathons and ultras. Nothing like that at the moment, just a couple of miles to ease him back into it.

I’m very anxious, worried I’ll upset him and make it harder for him. He tells me not to worry, be kind to myself, I’ve been through a lot too. That his sobriety is his responsibility alone. But I want to help him, not sure of the best way to do that?

Any advice?

OP posts:
Hepzibar · 18/04/2022 16:31

He is right - his sobriety and recovery are in his hands. It's great to hear that he is going to meetings, he will find the support there from those who know exactly how he feels. I think the saying only an alcoholic can help another alcoholic, holds true.

In the early days with my DH we avoided triggering places, even went camping instead of abroad (thank goodness we are over that stage).

For you - looking at alanon might help. I clung to every piece of advice from them.

Sounds like he is doing all the right things. It really is one day at a time.

pointythings · 18/04/2022 16:57

He's right and so is Hepzibar. The best way you can help him is by seeking help for yourself - a support group like Al-Anon or similar is the way to do that. You will be talking to people who have felt all the things you are feeling and they will make sense of it for you. It's a way for you to recapture some peace of mind.

Monkeytapper · 18/04/2022 17:28

Hopefully it will work for him, I went to rehab 15 years ago for 3 months, saved my life.

ForAFriend123 · 24/04/2022 22:21

Can I ask what his drinking behaviour was like? How much was he drinking?

HangingOver · 24/04/2022 22:35

Little tip from me....if he experiences bad evening cravings he could try eating supper really early (like 5). Worked a treat for me it's a blood sugar thing.

AnnieSnap · 24/04/2022 22:44

Handhold from me @The6thQueen I understand what you’re going through. My husband went through a 12 week rehab in 2019 and has been sober since then. They have to be ready, but when they are, they can do it and life after rehab can be better than it’s ever been 💐

Original poster
The6thQueen · 25/04/2022 22:29

Sorry for the slow reply, things are very busy at the moment.
He’s doing well. Been given his first service role, making the tea and coffee on a Saturday morning at our local AA. Also has the number of a potential sponsor, plus some other guys to chat to. He’s being going to aftercare on a Thursday, which helps. Adamant he doesn’t want to drink again and enjoying his sobriety. Will be a month on Wednesday. Went back to work today, he says it went well and he’s not putting too much pressure on himself. Just taking it one day at a time.

@ForAFriend123 he wasn’t abusive or violent when drunk, just vacant. He wasn’t here for the evenings ever, started drinking at 5pm and then he was just gone. He talked drivel, could be a little argumentative. Then passed out asleep, snoring like a trooper. Things were really bad before he went to rehab, he was drinking about 2/3 of a litre of vodka a day. More typically it would be about half that.

Massive well done @Monkeytapper, that’s an amazing achievement!

Thank you @HangingOver , he says he doesn’t having cravings at the moment, but if that becomes an issue I’ll suggest it.

Thank you for the hand hold @AnnieSnap, that’s really positive about your husband. Well done to him. For the first time in a long time I have hope, but it’s very fragile as it’s been dashed so many times. I desperately want things to be better, but it hurts so much when it doesn’t happen. I’m trying to be positive, never show to my husband I doubt him, I want him to believe in himself. But it’s a bit of protection for me to I suppose.

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 25/04/2022 23:16

@The6thQueen , I hear you. I also had my hopes dashed many times. By the time my DH went through rehab, I didn’t pretend to believe it was going to work. I supported him, but I didn’t hide my fears and he knew that, as much as I loved him, he’d be out on his arse if he “picked-up” (alcoholics term for drinking again). As others have said, you can’t save him, he has to save himself and be motivated to save himself. In my view, I’d say, be true to yourself and if you’re fearful, don’t go out of your way to hide that. Take good care of yourself. I hope he keeps finding AA useful, because as others have said, one week isn’t rehab. At best it’s detox with a few days of counselling added on. Detox is 12 weeks.