Back at day one AGAIN

[OkPedro]

I had been sober for 14 months in January 2021. I am an alcoholic and I was at deaths door. I stopped drinking November 2019. I had to do a medical detox. I honestly thought I'd never drink again. But slowly slowly the thought of drinking in moderation crept in.
I tried moderating Feb 2021. I am now back drinking regularly.
Saturday night I drank so much I blacked out. I don't remember a thing. I woke up and my back door was left wide open all night and I was covered in bruises.
Next time I won't be so lucky.. I'm still anxious and shaky today. I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't feel suicidal it's just the after effects of so much alcohol. I have to be done this time 😥

[theculture]

What happened has happened, you cannot change it now - try to concentrate on how well you did giving up before for so long, try to move forward

wishing you strength and hope xxx

[OkPedro]

Thanks theculture
I am giving myself the worst time but also looking forward. I know I can't undo it so I need to dig deep. I'm so exhausted

[SparklingLime]

I’m sorry, @OkPedro. Did you use AA or Smart Recovery before?

[OkPedro]

Hi sparklinglime Yes I was attending smart recovery meetings but then we went into lockdown and the online meetings were difficult. I'm in Ireland and they still haven't returned to in person meetings,its very frustrating but I am attending an online meeting tomorrow. They are very helpful

[tirednewmumm]

Try and frame this as a learning experience rather than a failure. After doing so well you probably would have always wondered about moderation and having a little here and there. Now you know where it leads. You've done it before and you can totally do it again!

[Sunshineandrainbow]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life you can do this.

[DramaAlpaca]

@tirednewmumm

Try and frame this as a learning experience rather than a failure. After doing so well you probably would have always wondered about moderation and having a little here and there. Now you know where it leads. You've done it before and you can totally do it again!

This is exactly what I was going to say. Don't beat yourself up. You did 14 months and with support you can do it again. Try to think of it as a blip in your experience of getting sober, you've tried moderation and it didn't work out so you have to stop again. You've got this, you can do it.

[OkPedro]

Thank you 💜
Yes 14 months and I was so happy. I didn't think I could ever stop drinking but I did it. I have support and they've been so good to me. I feel so guilty that I've let them down, they are very frustrated with me and upset of course. I have to face it though

[Drybird2020]

I can imagine (a bit) how crushing this must feel. I'm 2 and a bit years booze free and I fear going back to how it was before. It must feel hard to pick yourself up and start again. BUT - and it's a big one - you know what to do, because you have already done it, successfully, for a long period of time. And you can do it again and make it permanent.

You will need to do some soul searching and rigorous questioning of yourself to find out how your slip happened, so you can avoid the same pitfalls in future. Get some real life support (meetings, sponsor, counsellor?) And come over to the Freedom Thread and join lots of lovely alchohol free people who will support you. You can do this!

[Rupertpenrysmistress]

okpedro you had the strength to do this before and you can do it again. You have the tools. You know from past experience that beating yourself up and hating yourself achieves nothing. Plenty of support here. Tomorrow is a new day.

[duvetdayforeveryone]

Write yourself a letter, and put it in an envelope marked "If I ever decide to drink again..."

Tell yourself how you are feeling right now, and why drinking will never be a good idea.

You can do it! Believe in yourself.

[OkPedro]

Wow! Thank you I have tears in my eyes! Yes hating myself and beating myself up will lead no where if anything it'll drive me back to the drink to stop those feelings.

@drybird2020 Well done on over 2 years sober, great achievement. I will definitely take a look at the freedom thread, thank you

[SparklingLime]

Dose up on B complex and extra thiamine, OP, and all good wishes for starting again.

[OkPedro]

Thanks sparklinglime I've just put both on my list for tomorrow. I'm feeling more positive

[tribpot]

Well, you've tested the theory "can I drink in moderation?" and have lived to discover the answer is no. By writing this incident down, and owning your mistake, I think you're making good progress. When the initial shock fades you can come back to this thread to remind yourself why sobriety is the only solution for you.

Now time to face forward and start working to get past the 14 month milestone again.

[Haveatakeaway]

sending you calming and peaceful thoughts. You've got this.

[BraveFaceScaredInside]

You can do this Lots of good helpful tips from others x

[OkPedro]

@tribpot Absolutely "once the shock fades" how true is that?! That's when complacency sets in and I really need to work my arse off. Thank you

[tribpot]

That's the denial that used to let us keep drinking even though we knew it would kill us @OkPedro. It's why saying it out loud, and owning it in a way you can't later take back, is so important. Unfortunately you have to work at sobriety every single day. I've been sober for nearly eleven years and I remember so clearly reading posts on Mumsnet from people who had given up drinking and how much better they felt. And thinking 'that can never be me'. But it could. And it can be you too.

[BunniesBunniesBunnies]

Oh man that’s tough. You haven’t failed though, you’ve slipped. You know you can do it so it should be easier this time. Come over to the Freedom thread if you like, we’re a friendly bunch!

[MuggleMadness]

You haven't failed! You successfully did 14 months, then you tried something out!! You've discovered that you can't do 'moderate drinking'. Are you 100% sure of that, or do you plan on trying again further down the track?

You CAN do this, do you WANT to?

[Rupertpenrysmistress]

Hi okpedro how are you feeling today? I hope things are continuing to improve for you.

[OkPedro]

@rupertpenrymistress I'm doing ok thank you.. I'm exhausted today and should be in bed but I stayed up to watch some TV in peace, my children aren't long in bed 😌

I meant to come back earlier and thank the other posters from last night. I'm going to head over to the freedom threads tomorrow

[Holothane]

💐💐💐💐hang i there you’ll get there again slowly does it, I remember how I felt when I fell off the wagon dreadful week, it took a week to forgive myself. That was 10 years ago in December but I’ve never forgotten how it felt. Hugs and handhold.