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Alcohol support

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Didn't see it as a drink...

12 replies

simonbunny · 20/03/2022 08:56

DH has a bad relationship with alcohol.

We've had lots of arguments over the last 6 years about it. It's starts that he says he doesn't have a problem, it's normal, he can stop and usually ends with him staying at his parents for a few days.

The last time this happened was two weeks ago and we agreed that neither of us would drink AT ALL unless we had no DC at home/were away with without them.

The time before that was at the start of the year, when he suddenly decided he's bipolar and depressed. Having dealt with MH issues myself for the best part of 20 years, I don't think this is the case.

He is not actively seeking help for either the MH issues or the alcohol (you know, because he doesn't have a problem.)

So this week he bought a bottle of something 11% ish that you dilute with tonic and had a couple of glasses without mentioning it to me. I saw the bottle the next day and asked him about it.

He said "oh it's just a mixer" - it's obviously not. Was he gaslighting? Trying to pull the wool over my eyes?

Later on he changed his tune and said that he meant you mix it with something to dilute it. So it's not like having a "proper" drink, he didn't even see it as having an alcoholic drink even though the amount of it he drank adds up to "proper" drink.

In my mind, what he drank is the same as him having a beer or two.

Anyway, point of the post. Is he ever going to change? I can't carry on having this same argument every 6 weeks. I'm exhausted and he isn't safe to parent when he has had too much to drink. I constantly have to be on high alert 24/7.

TLDR: DH is a functioning alcoholic and won't admit it. I cba anymore. What do I do?

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 20/03/2022 09:01

You leave

Relentlessrose · 20/03/2022 09:39

I agree with the PP, you leave
And if that's not possible you make sure to never leave the kids with him

simonbunny · 20/03/2022 09:48

It's not possible to not leave the kids with him - I would have to give up work...
That's what is worrying me most about leaving. He would have them more often by himself.

OP posts:
Nothingsfine · 20/03/2022 16:18

He won't change until he accepts he has a problem

BraveFaceScaredInside · 20/03/2022 17:41

He said "oh it's just a mixer" - it's obviously not. Was he gaslighting? Trying to pull the wool over my eyes?

More likely he's trying to kid himself.

I'm exhausted and he isn't safe to parent when he has had too much to drink.

If that is the case then tbh you would have to give up work.

Sorry I can't offer more help or advice Flowers

simonbunny · 20/03/2022 18:30

@Nothingsfine

He won't change until he accepts he has a problem
Yes, I know. I thought he was there after the incident at New Years but clearly not.

We're supposed to be moving house in 6 weeks. It's just a huge mess.

OP posts:
Nothingsfine · 21/03/2022 13:51

I do understand. I've been there with my ex, who was actually pissed during contact with DC. That made me go to family court which sorted a lot out for us (mainly in that he now doesn't see them as he can't bear the idea of supported contact so he'd rather have none).

HollowTalk · 21/03/2022 13:55

When you say he'd have them more often, do you mean he works shorter hours than you?

simonbunny · 21/03/2022 20:41

No, we both work full time. I occasionally travel for work so he is home alone with them. He says he doesn't drink when this happens.

But if this becomes a regularly occurrence, e.g 2/3 nights a week? Is he really not going to drink every weekend especially as he'll have "no reason" not to the rest of the time.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/03/2022 20:42

You leave. Can anyone else have the kids if needs be?

simonbunny · 21/03/2022 21:09

Grandparents all still work so although they'll do the occasional overnight, they couldn't do school pick ups when needed.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 21/03/2022 21:14

You have to make a choice now. You can give him the ultimatum, tell him if he doesn’t stop drinking you will leave. And then you need to follow it through.

Or you stay. And accept the drinking.

I would also pull out of your house move, assuming you’re moving to a bigger, more expensive house.

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