five bottles of wine between saturday night an Sunday night.

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

How has he not died from alcohol poisoning? He didn't even seem to have a hangover.

He's always drunk in binges but tells me he's not an alcoholic because he can give up - usually for about 4 months, sometimes as long as 8. During that time he swaps his inappropriate use of alcohol for an inappropriate use of exercise.

He's a functioning alcoholic, though, how he's functioning with that amount of drink is beyond me. He's now trying to hide the amount of wine he's necking, and when I pointed it out he said "well, that wasn't me, someone else must have taken some". He's like a cliche, including denial, defensiveness, piss-hole eyes and brewery BO.

He says he'll speak to his GP about it. He only agreed because I pushed him, I'm waiting to hear his excuses about why it's impossible for him to see his GP.

Apparently there's not a problem here because he has given up. To be fair, he hasn't drunk anything since 3am on Sunday morning so perhaps I'm over reacting.

I'm getting divorced, amn't I? Realistically, there's no way out of this, it's been a decade of drink and neglect with a dusting of verbal abuse.

It's sad.

It is sad, but staying with him would be sadder. You've only got one life so go ahead and live it, let him waste his own.

Yes you are. Unless you want to put up with this. Sorry. X

Thank you both. I'm just venting, really. I'm sad that I have tolerated things because I believed his promises that he'd change his ways and make time for me and the kids. Before I knew it, I'd been waiting for a decade.

He says he'll speak to his GP. I'm not going to nag or encourage, if he wants to he will. Meanwhile, I'm going to sort out my finances and figure out what ducks I have and how to make them line like they are in the military.

I'm sad about it. We could have been so happy. What a waste.

apparently, he doesn't need a GP because he's stopped drinking so why am I making a fuss? And they are not making appointments anyway because of covid. And he doesn't have time because there's a war on.

I kid you not.

In 5 days he has not taken responsibility for what he said to me, or for his neglect. He wants to move on "and fix it".

Talking to him feels like self harm. It's painful and ultimately pointless.

My marriage is over. I feel like I should give him a chance to fail to engage in some sort of alcohol support before I draw a line under this very disappointing twenty years. But, that feels like self harm too.

I'm a bit scared. I don't earn enough to live on. There are a lot of practical issues which need sorting out and my head's too fuzzy just now.

It's so sad. I thought we'd be happy.

I have nothing practical to offer but I just wanted to say I am sorry you are in this situation.

But you deserve better and I hope you manage to sort things and find a way out.

Thank, you, @Starlost.

It's quite helpful to write it down. I should keep track of what happens over the next few weeks - I don't know anything about divorce but I expect I'll need evidence.

For myself as much as anything.

You're right, I deserve better.

I would probably do the same, it helps writing things down sometimes makes it feel more real and gives you resolve when you find it wavering.

Nobody deserves to be in an unhappy marriage to someone who doesn't appreciate them so you do deserve better but It's understandable to be scared 20 years is a long time of being with someone whether it was all happy or not so it will take some time and a lot of effort but it will be worth it. Life's to short to be unhappy.

I just wanted to say you sound great, level headed, fair and a nice bit of self esteem. It sounds like its over and you will do so well when this finishes. You only get one go at life so make it amazing and its too short to make these kind of memories. Good Luck! You will do great!

Yes, @Starlost, I've been accommodating and supportive - I've thought he's autistic for a long time but recently I came across an article about introverted narcissists. It doesn't really matter, ultimately what he is is a functioning alcoholic and I can't fix that.

He won't fix his alcohol intake, he's a long way off rock bottom.

I think I wanted a clear conscience so I could tell the kids that I'd tried everything to make the marriage work before I turned things upside down. I've given it a decade and it's got worse, so maybe I should have bailed and they'd have had a less weird childhood.

I'll give him time to sort his alcoholism. That's the last thing on the "I tried" list.

It will also give me time to work out how to make some money - I do have a chance in the summer to make a chunk.

I'm out of here by Christmas. It's always ruined by drink anyway.

Good luck,you can do this you know nothing will change .Life is short you deserve better than this.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Yes, *@Starlost*, I've been accommodating and supportive - I've thought he's autistic for a long time but recently I came across an article about introverted narcissists. It doesn't really matter, ultimately what he is is a functioning alcoholic and I can't fix that.

He won't fix his alcohol intake, he's a long way off rock bottom.

I think I wanted a clear conscience so I could tell the kids that I'd tried everything to make the marriage work before I turned things upside down. I've given it a decade and it's got worse, so maybe I should have bailed and they'd have had a less weird childhood.

I'll give him time to sort his alcoholism. That's the last thing on the "I tried" list.

It will also give me time to work out how to make some money - I do have a chance in the summer to make a chunk.

I'm out of here by Christmas. It's always ruined by drink anyway.

I understand that, it's something I would do to make sure I tried everything to make it work before I could end it. Are your children very young?

Children are resilient I think they would rather you were happy and separated than in this current situation you are at.

You deserve to be happy.

Echo the pp you sound really level headed and you know its over so your right about sorting things out really hope you get to sort finances in the summer and can look forward to a refreshing Christmas with all those that love and cherish you. You deserve that.

I think regardless of if he is autistic or a functioning alcoholic the question is does the diagnosis change anything for your relationship it sounds like you have put up with a lot. Hope I haven't overstepped.

@ThisisMax, thanks.

My self esteem is pretty shot in most ways, but there's a robust core.

His problem is that he's spent 20 years teaching me to not need him. It's not as if I've been widowed of a spouse who was my world, that I did everything with, that completed me or any of these things that devastate someone when their soul mate dies.

I'm giving up on trying to salvage the best out of this, the most I hoped for was a slightly-less-than-average relationship with a selfish man who's ultimately, a bit of a child. So, realistically, it's not that much of a loss.

You know that gif of Alan Partridge where he shrugs? That's me.

at 6am I was a gibbering wreck and felt so lonely and wounded that it physically hurt, but it's passed

What's the moral thing to do here? I really fancy a glass of wine tonight with some crappy tv and my teens.

Is it immoral to buy a bottle of wine? He says he's given up. Of course he hasn't, but I could take him at face value?

I don't have a problem with booze, is it unreasonable to please myself and leave half a bottle of white in the fridge to set a fucking trap have some other time?

I think you need to set a timeline for as early as possible. Might be best to ask him to leave and clinically plan the logistics. You have given it a lot of your life- time to move on.

I think you should start to do what makes you happy.

I am so sorry you had such a rough morning I think it can be quite normal reaction to suddenly realise your marriage isn't what you hoped it would be.

The moral thing would be to have the wine, if he has stopped he won't bat an eye lid and if he hasn't you can't control what he drinks. Hope you have a lovely evening with your glass of wine and teens. Sounds perfect.

No, @Starlost that's not overstepping.

I have tolerated him breaking his marriage vows repeatedly because "aww, maybe he's neurodiverse and doesn't automatically see it from my point of view?"

Maybe he doesn't have much theory of mind, or maybe he's just a bit of a dick and I've been trying to find an explanation about why my husband would dismiss my needs.

He genuinely thinks that because he's got a really good job (he excels in his career) and doesn't shag about that he's a great husband.

He's insulted that I'm "so demanding" and insist on the other vows, like "love and cherish" . It'd be funny if it wasn't so fucking devastating.

No, kids are older. One's away at uni and the other two not far off.

I should have left when they were younger, I think. It's been "Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave".

Well, I made the choices I made with the information I had at the time and I made them in good faith.

I think it's now bad enough to leave.

He's an alcoholic, and it won't be easy for him to get help and for him to stick to not drinking.

My (late) brother was a functioning alcoholic - the life and soul of any party used to get up and do Karaoke, make jokes, etc. Everyone loved him for the comical, outgoing person he was - but behind closed doors, he was so different. He drank the minute he got home from work at 4.30pm, and continued until he staggered into bed at 11. He often wet the bed, his wife said. He was fat, bloated, had bags under his eyes due to the booze. He eventually had a heart attack and died when he was 53. Your choice is simple - leave him or stay and have more years of what you've got now (and possibly worse)

@ThisisMax - he definitely won't leave.

I did say it to him last week when this all erupted like a tiny NZ volcano island.

"This is my house, I paid for it, I'm not leaving and you can't make me"

"I wouldn't need to make you. You're a good man and you wouldn't cause me pain and you'd leave so you weren't rail roading and bullying a woman"

No answer.

So, it's going to be a refusal to split. I'll have to move out and wait 2 years.

I don't know if he's neurodiverse, but he certainly needs routine and he likes his environment to be the way he likes it.

I don't much care. I don't even really have a bedroom, I surf between the spare room and the settee bed. I'd be quite happy renting something cheap for 2 years.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

No, *@Starlost* that's not overstepping.

I have tolerated him breaking his marriage vows repeatedly because "aww, maybe he's neurodiverse and doesn't automatically see it from my point of view?"

Maybe he doesn't have much theory of mind, or maybe he's just a bit of a dick and I've been trying to find an explanation about why my husband would dismiss my needs.

He genuinely thinks that because he's got a really good job (he excels in his career) and doesn't shag about that he's a great husband.

He's insulted that I'm "so demanding" and insist on the other vows, like "love and cherish" . It'd be funny if it wasn't so fucking devastating.

No, kids are older. One's away at uni and the other two not far off.

I should have left when they were younger, I think. It's been "Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave".

Well, I made the choices I made with the information I had at the time and I made them in good faith.

I think it's now bad enough to leave.

I am so sorry he has treated you in this way it's really sad.

I wouldn't regret any decisions you have put your children's need to have a 'complete' family before your own happiness and that's admirable and you made those decisions that felt right at the time.

But you know now that it's over and really hope you get to leave him and be happy with your children. Glad they are older too so they will hopefully be more understanding and would want you to be happy.

Well then you need to move and start that two year process so you are free of him.

@DoWhatYouLike I'm sorry that you lost your brother to drink.

It's a terrible thing, alcoholism.

And functioning alcoholism is an insidious, nasty, invisible tumour in a person's life. It is so hard to stop when you don't really see the problem because on paper life is pretty good.

Right, I'm buying myself a nice bottle of wine, because @Starlost said it was ok.

Tempted to buy a box. Or a crate. But that would be unkind of me.

Thanks all, that's really helpful.

[quote vivariumvivariumsvivaria]@DoWhatYouLike I'm sorry that you lost your brother to drink.

It's a terrible thing, alcoholism.

And functioning alcoholism is an insidious, nasty, invisible tumour in a person's life. It is so hard to stop when you don't really see the problem because on paper life is pretty good.

Right, I'm buying myself a nice bottle of wine, because @Starlost said it was ok.

Tempted to buy a box. Or a crate. But that would be unkind of me.

Thanks all, that's really helpful.[/quote]

Maybe stick to the bottle for now😉 Enjoy your drink and a lovely evening with your teens.

Yes, @ThisisMax.

You're right.

Get my head down, increase my income so I've got a deposit and enough to cover a couple of months - which is ambitious, but, plenty people make money so there's no reason I can't.

Then, in September - review and have a conversation with him about how well he's done and I can't believe he managed to sort the booze out, and haven't things been really nice at home, and wasn't the summer wonderful and, here's a funny thing, I actually thought we'd have split up by Easter, right, let's plan Christmas.

I've been where you are now. Once your eyes are opened, they don't close again.

You don't have to give him a chance to fix his alcoholism. He's had two decades of your life already. The time you want is time for you to get your finances in as good a shape as possible and to prepare for leaving. Nothing to do with him.

Yes, you can have your wine. You aren't responsible for his relationship with alcohol, only for yours. It would be different if he were in rehab and actively working on his addiction, but he's not.

No fault divorce comes in in April, so you don't have to wait 2 years. The mandatory waiting period is 6 months - so petition as soon as it comes in, then you have a shot at being out before he ruins another Christmas.

Please get some support for yourself. I still attend a support group almost 4 years after my husband died of his alcohol addiction. Not only does it help immensely with the feelings of guilt, you also end up with a skill set that you can use to support other people. this list might give you a head start

You've done enough. You've waited long enough. Take your life back. I was also married for 20 years. The last 5 were hell.

No fault divorce comes in in April, so you don't have to wait 2 years. The mandatory waiting period is 6 months - so petition as soon as it comes in, then you have a shot at being out before he ruins another Christmas

I did not know that, thank you.

And for the list, I'm a bit lost about where to start. Plus, we live in a quite small place so I didn't look for help beyond a phone line.

Your timeline is familiar. Snap is such a disappointing game.

Thanks, that's all very helpful.

Sorry, I meant to say that I'm sorry your husband died.

It's not an easy way to go, in general. I hope you are doing ok.

Thank you for sharing your skill set so some randomer on the internet gets some support, that is kind of you.