To cut ties with my alcohol mother?

[Lemington]

My brother and I have struggled with the effects of her drinking for many years now.
We’ve tried to help and of course that doesn’t work. We had a short period where she stopped and things were lovely but it didn’t last long.

I’ve been living at home as saved to buy a house which has been difficult but am now in the process of moving out and am considering cutting her off to save my mental health.

I know she will go into meltdown as she always says she doesn’t know what she would do without me and my brother hardly sees her. I’m worried something awful would happen and I would then have to live with the guilt. She has no life really and I feel like I need to be around but she just causes so much stress and misery

It’s such a horrid situation, I don’t know what’s for the best

Well, you’ve been living in her house, so presumably it wasn’t so bad you couldn’t cope when it suited you to save up, so it seems a bit off to cut her off the minute she’s no longer useful to you.

You don’t need to dance attendance, but limited contact appears more reasonable.

You don't have to cut her off, but moving out will be good for you. After that, you should seek support from a group for relatives of alcoholics so that you can put in your boundaries about how much contact you want, what the terms for that need to be and how you can keep from enabling your mother.

It's likely that she will struggle after your move - but that isn't your responsibility, it's hers. She can choose to work towards recovery or she can sink, that is 100% up to her.

Thanks both for your replies
@Luredbyapomegranate I didn’t mean for my post to sound quite as harsh as it did! I had no choice but to come back, it’s been very difficult. But I do understand where you’re coming from. That is why I wasn’t sure it was a good thing to do as feels horrible.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s the only way to resolve the problem though

@pointythings that’s what I worry about, that when I move she will get so much worse because she depends on me emotionally a lot

@Lemington I would advise you to read up on codependency and enabling. I would also reiterate my advice to get support for yourself as you have your own recovery to work through now. The first thing you have to do is accept that you cannot help her; you never could. Admitting you are powerless is very hard and this is why I advised you to seek support. this site offers a list of organisations who can help.

You need to detach from her - this does not mean you stop loving her, it means you allow her to take responsibility for her life as you take responsibility for yours.

@pointythings thank you so much that’s so helpful, now looking at the website you’ve linked to

@Lemington you are very welcome. As you may have guessed, I'm speaking from experience. I lost my husband to alcohol - in every sense of the word, it killed him 12 days before the decree nisi was issued. I also lost my mother to it; she had very long standing trauma dating back to WW2 and when my dad developed dementia, she lost herself in the bottle. I've benefited enormously from attending my local support group and I still do - for my own recovery but also because I can now support people who are where I was back then.

Always remember the three Cs:

You didn't Cause it
You can't Cure it
You can't Control it

@pointythings you no idea how much your replies have helped x
So sorry to hear you’ve been through similar

You have **

@Lemington I am so glad to hear that. If you're ever stuck and you have questions, just pm me. Supporting people who are where I used to be is my way of paying forward what my group gave to me.