"Who am I if I don't drink?"

[Undecidedandtorn]

I have a friend that seems to have a big problem with drinking. Last time I saw them they had been out for lunch with friends, had a couple of drinks but had then gone home and drunk half a bottle of vodka. They were full of remorse the next day but said something that had stuck with me which was they knew they had a problem but didn't know who they would be if they didn't drink.

I don't drink very much and if I have more than 3 I feel really ill so rarely have more than that. I don't really understand thier statement - does this make sense to anyone?

Drinking is so ingrained that people think they can't live without it. They think drinking wine is a reflection of their personality. Oh it's wine o'clock etc etc
I also think lots of people rely on a drink or two to give them confidence and lower their inhibitions.
There's lots of identity, bonding, socialising, commiserating etc all tied up with drinking and feeling like you fit in.

Alcohol has a sublime way of blurring the edges. One day you are a take it or leave it drinker. Then you come across some tough times have a few to take the edge off. Then those edges become wider and more frequent as does the amount you drink. Then the effects of alcohol molds you its changes how you feel and how respond to these life events. You drink to celebrate and commiserate I mean what the heck is there a Y in the day let's drink, its wine o'clock somewhere, mummy's liitle helper, unwind relax, let loose have fun just drink ffs. That is how alcohol can end up defining you, advertising, tv, films social media push this message day in day out. This addictive substance is shown to us as the answer to all lifes problems to quote Homer Simpson. Until we get addicted we are the ones to blame because we haven't behaved responsibly. Then you feel shame and guilt and ironically you want a drink more than ever.

Addition to alcohol affects the ability to process emotions. It's used as a crutch to deal with stressful feelings but ends up making those feelings worse to the point of wretchedness. If there are problems then they remain unresolved & in addition the body is progressively weakened by drinking
So yes. I understand your friend saying that. It's not until you have gone through the physical withdrawal from alcohol that you can face the reality of your sober personality and life
Your friend should be reassured that they will be pleasantly surprised by the benefits of an alcohol free life. There is another thread called Alcohol Explained Day 1 which is based on the book of the same name by William Porter. It deals with the subject in a most compassionate manner. It's good that you are a caring friend.

@undecidedandtorn, @Theoriginalchateline is right your friend is very fortunate to have a friend like you, alcohol explained is an excellent book. They probably know they have a problem with how they drink so tread carefully. I had to face my problem myself my dearest friend has only just shared with me how worried they were about me. I'm grateful they didn't force my hand even though they wanted to, fortunately I made my own decision and I am now able to be open and honest. I sincerely wish your friend well and from what you have shared they know they have a problem which is half the battle.

Alcohol has ruined my life tbh. I was exactly like that, I couldn't stop at a couple. I think it's because alcohol, to a point, makes you feel good and because you don't want the 'good' feeling to go, you keep drinking. Of course, it's a vicious circle. I tend to avoid it now because once I start, I know there will be an issue, I'll become argumentative, depressed, binge for a couple of days, do things I would not do sober, etc.

I would get your friend to answer that question herself. Who would she be without alcohol? also: What is she making this mean about her? If she is using alcohol to solve a problem, is she solving it in the best way she knows how?

The answer "I don't know" is not allowed to any question.

Thank you all for sharing and a lot of what you have said very much reflects my friends actions. I will tread carefully- they have been drinking for a long while so I'm sure its not easy for them.