What do I say over coffee to someone who clearly has an alcohol problem?

[findingthewords]

I'm meeting this person tomorrow. I've known him many years in a professional capacity but with a bit of a crossover into friendship. He knows my DM, DH, DC and we all like him very much. However, he's been increasing erratic and the past two times I've seen him in a professional capacity he has been either drunk or horribly hungover and smelling strongly of stale booze - often late or cancelling at the last minute. His life is unravelling fast and he's asked to borrow a small amount of money for groceries. I said yes (and have mentally written that money off) but also asked if he'd meet me for coffee and a chat. I think he must have alienated a lot of people close to him in order to need to ask me to borrow money but I wanted to say to him something along the lines of "look I was happy to help with loan that one time but I think you have a problem and need to seek help."

Can anyone advise what is the kindest way to say this? Anything else I can do or say that is more likely to resonate with him?

I think your "look I was happy to help with loan that one time but I think you have a problem and need to seek help." is fine but, will future professional dealings be awkward if it doesn’t go down well?

There is nothing you can say to someone with an alcohol problem that will go down particularly well tbh. They will either be in complete denial, and angry at the very suggestion, or be aware but like drinking too much to stop. I come from a family that, unfortunately, has several alcoholics. There isn’t one who has responded to concerned advice from other family members with ‘yes, I know. Can you help me?’.

Alcohol dependency is awful, you sound lovely for being so concerned and wanting to help.

Thanks so much for responding. There won't be any future professional dealings I don't think - unless he seeks treatment. I have in the past employed him to do something but can't rely on him now sadly so I've got nothing to lose other than contact with him, which is fine because we're not close. I just think he's a nice, caring person underneath the addiction and it's sad to see his life disintegrating in this way.

Your post is very sensible and I think I already know that whatever I say won't have much impact. But I don't feel I can walk away without at least trying. And I just have some small hope that, hearing this from someone who doesn't know him that well and has no vested interest so to speak might make something click.

I was wondering whether to be a bit vague and say 'you don't seem well to me' and see if he opens up about the drinking or just be really direct and say 'the past few times I've seen you I've got the impression you are drinking heavily' - maybe the latter will make him more defensive?

Look up the details of the nearest AA meeting and give the info to him.

They actually have a national hotline who find meetings for people who call.

The number is 0800 917 7650
email is [email protected].

^ So he could call himself

That's the angle I would take OP.
Hi I'm glad we have this chance to catch up! I wanted to check in and see if you were ok or if there is anything you need some help with, nice to have a chance for a chat without being work related!

Gives him a chance to speak up if he wants. I'm also of the view that if he is in denial about his drinking problem he will be very defensive and won't react well to a direct approach, but a more round the houses chat might stick in his mind as you reaching out to him in a kind way.

Thanks, Linguini - I was actually looking up just that. There's a lunchtime meeting v close to where we are meeting up and another one nearby in the evening so if he's willing there is good support locally. I guess it's just how to say it that I'm obsessing over. Am now erring towards "apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick but I get the impression that drinking has been causing you problems lately - are you getting or have you considered getting any help with that?'

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

That's the angle I would take OP. Hi I'm glad we have this chance to catch up! I wanted to check in and see if you were ok or if there is anything you need some help with, nice to have a chance for a chat without being work related!

Gives him a chance to speak up if he wants. I'm also of the view that if he is in denial about his drinking problem he will be very defensive and won't react well to a direct approach, but a more round the houses chat might stick in his mind as you reaching out to him in a kind way.

xposted - this is helpful thank you. Maybe you're right that if he's embarrassed, defensive, it's less likely to have an impact. Oh I don't know. No easy way to go about this I guess

There isn't any right way to do this. You have to find words that make you feel you were kind but candid and did what you could. You can't control what he does but you will feel better about the outcome if you know you tried to get him to face facts.

For me the words might be: "I keep perceiving you're very drunk & that it's messing up your life badly." and then let him talk while occasionally guiding convo back to what bothers you. Your best case scenario is if he acknowledges that there is a problem. It's perfectly possible he'll "kind of" acknowledge the problem but deep down he'll feel it's something he can sort out another time, "not really that bad." etc. You can't change him, but if he'll chat about his situation, he may make progress (or build foundations towards progress) to a place where he's willing to change.

Wondering if this is my ex! I would be more direct as in your first suggestions but give him lots of space to respond. You can always back off. The danger of a more vague opening is that he won't actually address what you're looking for and it will just come across as insincere or disingenuous if you then seem to have another agenda.

If your hunch is right, he is in a very severe downward spiral. I wouldn't dress it up and say it nicely. If you say it nicely he can ignore it. If you say it bluntly he can also ignore it (and most likely will - just to warn you) but at least you can say you were honest with him.

It sounds like he's on that tragic path where hitting rock bottom might change his direction (or might not) but there's probably nothing you can do.

Alcoholics don't give up drinking because someone says they probably should/it really would be a good idea/there's so much more to life if you give it up/I'm cutting you off unless you give it up/I hope you die then - whatever.

Sad but true.

I don't think you can dress it up or ask leading questions. He has to know that you have noticed he is drunk or hungover and that others will have done too.
The kindness comes from your tone of voice and your willingness to have this meeting at all.

yeah, you worrying about him being 'embarassed' that's how a sober sane person may respond he's not that person right now. Most likely, he's got a whole string of rationalisation going on which is all along lines of "it's not that bad.", "I deserve this release", "nobody minds", "it's what I need" , "I'm fine!" etc

Would only get defensive if you hassled him or if he could feel shame - probably can't feel that right now. One calm low-emotion civil language simple direct comment is not hassling him.

I would wonder what pain / stress / anxiety / loneliness he has in his life that he's choosing to blot out with alcohol.

Thank you so much to you all for taking the time to post - I’m taking it all on board and will aim to be as direct as possible. (But am also realistic about the odds of my having any impact.)

Just following up to say that the chat was as positive as it could have been. As it turns out, said friend went to first AA meeting a couple of days ago and was open to going to another today. So, very early days but he def didn't just stick his fingers in his ears. Thanks again to everyone who posted.

That's great news @findingthewords.
A first step in the right direction 🤞

Thanks @LadyEloise1 yes, it was such a relief that he acknowledged the problem!

Well done OP for plucking up the courage to reach out to him and well done to him for already trying to address his situation. Hopefully things work out well.

He needs to hit a 'threshold moment' - You might be that, but as people have said you will have to have an impact big enough to disrupt all his internal self justifications. I am speaking from experience. 2 Bottles of wine, plus spirits plus bingy nights out for years. Nobody could have convinced me to staop - I had to come to the conclusion myself. This book made a big difference by expalining all the know brainers we instinctively know: Alcohol has Zero benefits, it's attractively packaged poison supported by social acceptablity and billions of $$$ of marketing budget. My advice if this is a one shot strateg from you to him (and you are prepared to risk your relationship) then go in with a hard message. www.amazon.co.uk/Alcohol-Explained-William-Porter-ebook/dp/B00W4D1YW4

@Dipitinyourteanow - this is a zombie thread from almost a year ago.