Is this type of behaviour/thinking normal for an alcoholic

[TheElephantBallerina]

Bit of background, been with DH 6years, have a young DD together. Pregnancy was unplanned but very much wanted. DH has issues with alcohol and has depressive episodes in which he can become very angry over small slights, perceived or real.
I was working yesterday and DH was watching toddler DD. I came in as he was putting her to bed and as soon as she was asleep he opened a bottle of vodka. I knew his plan was to sit in front of the TV getting pissed and chatting rubbish so I went upstairs, showered and fell asleep. I knew he was planning to stay up late drinking as he's on night shift tonight and will often stay up the night before and sleep the next day. I woke up around 2am with a text from DH saying he would sleep downstairs to let me get some sleep (as he snores) I went down to tell him that he would be better sleeping upstairs, as I wasn't working the next day. I felt he was using the "sleeping downstairs" as an excuse to drink more (although i didn't say that). He said that he was fine sleeping downstairs and I should go back up and get more sleep. I reiterated that he'd be better going upstairs as there was no need for him to sleep downstairs if I wasn't working and I was worried his back would be sore. To clarify I wasn't saying he should go to bed at that minute in time, just whenever he was ready.
He then became very snappy and confrontational saying that he was trying to do me a favour and i was throwing it back in his face. He starting swearing so I left the room and went back upstairs. I couldn't sleep then as I was upset. He texted to say that he was annoyed that " he had tried to do me a favour by staying downstairs to let me sleep but it was a kick in the teeth for me to be awake and not appreciate his offer of sleeping downstairs" he added that I "better not complain about being tired tomorrow as he was giving me ample opportunity to rest but I was throwing it back in his face". He later admitted it was an overreaction and apologised but said "in his head I was being unappreciative of him trying to let me rest". I had literally just suggested he would be better sleeping in bed. When he did eventually come to bed he started ranting again at how stupid I was for borrowing his charger and "my stupidity is getting beyond a joke".
My charger was downstairs in my workbag but after the argument I didn't want to go down to get it. He immediately apologised again for losing his temper. I told him his behaviour was unacceptable and he needed help with his anger. My question is, is this behaviour/way of thinking normal for someone who is alcohol dependent? It worried me how he managed to twist my words so much and change the narrative. It's the first time I've thought he might actually be a bit unstable. He agreed that I wasn't being unappreciative and "it was just in his head". But now I feel like I can't say anything in case it gets twisted in his mind and causes another row.

Even without the trying to convince you for going upstairs, he was behaving like an alcoholic. This is really far from ok for you and your DD.

I'd suggest attending a session of Al Anon, it might be eye opening, and you will get support from people who understand.

It had fuck all to do with you getting rest and everything to do with him being able to stay up till morning getting pissed.

He saw you asking him to go to bed as an interruption to his drinking session.

The thing is, I wasn't asking him to come to bed there and then. He would often come to bed at 6/7am after being up all night. It just unsettled me how angry he got and how in his head I was throwing his "good gesture" back in his face. At the time he genuinely believed that which is what caused his temper tantrum. I feel his thinking is extremely skewed and he behaves very irrationally. I don't know whether this is common behaviour with alcoholics or if it's a personality trait. I do know that the cause is irrelevant really and that either way it's unacceptable, but I'm wondering of anyone else with alcoholic partners experience similar.

Al-anon could be really helpful for you. No-one will tell you what to do, or to leave him, but understanding the behaviours around addiction could help you to detach and prevent him from gaslighting you.

It sounds a miserable set up OP, you can’t be very happy and as your DD gets older she will be affected by his behaviour. Does he recognise he has a problem?

You’ve got between him and his drug of choice. That’s why he reacted badly. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Not a partner, but I have a alcoholic family member. This sounds typical of them. Manipulative in the extreme. Twisting things around. Blaming others. I think now, after years of observing it, that they convince themselves they are right because otherwise they’d have to face the reality of their behaviour (which is that it all comes down to getting alcohol). In that sense I think they “believe” it.

Run run and run some more.

He was acting "irrational" because he'd been drinking all night. Most people don't act their best when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

As someone whose dad was an alcoholic and grew up around this kind of behaviour (and worse) I suggest kicking his arse to the kerb. It's not a nice home life to be brought up in this scenario and your child will end up like with a very poor relationship with their dad.

He'll only get better if he wants to, irrelevant to those around him. Took my mum 19 years to realise that nothing was going to change (and if anything was getting worse) And she found the strength to leave. It was really hard as he was the main breadwinner and it took him nearly 2 years to find alternative accommodation in which time he subjected me and my mum to emotional abuse which lead to me being put into counselling (thanks dad). And my mum contemplating suicide.

Worth it in the end now. My mum may not have the financial security but she is so much happier now that he's out of her life.

Dad is still an arse and still a drinker. So even after losing his family, his home and eventually his (60k a year) job wasn't enough for him to try and quit.

Think about yourself and your LO. Get out now!

Thank you everyone for the advice. I dod ring Al anon before some time ago, but didn't find it very helpful. Although the lady I spoke to was lovely, she just kept talking about her DH (who's now in recovery). @BigSandyBalls2015 I think deep down he knows he has a problem, but has never really done anything to address it. He will drunk from the 'proper' bottle of vodka in the fridge but he often hides another bottle and drinks from that too when having a session. He doesn't know I know and I've no intention of telling him as he'll just hide it better next time. He thinks he's very clever but he's really not. Yes I suspect you're right @How2Help, it's easier to blame everyone else than face up to the reality of his own behaviour. I'm very sorry to hear your experience @Motherhippo. It truly is the family disease. Although I'm glad your mum left eventually, you must sometimes feel it was too little, too late. I know I really need to think about the effect this could have on DD. I don't believe he will change unless something very bad were to happen ie) if DD were to have an accident in his care or if he was caught over the limit thr next day etc.

He sounds like an Alcoholic,I am one,been in recovery 19years.Whatever behaviour he is exhibiting now,it will get worse,never better,if indeed he is one.

Call Al-anon again and try to get to a meeting.

It would be completely negligent of you to allow your child to grow up in a home with an alcoholic parent. It will taint her life forever. Don't inflict this misery upon your child. It's your responsibility to protect her from this.

I am curious about the text at 2 am which woke you from your sleep in which he told you he was doing you the favour of sleeping downstairs so you could get some sleep. Waking someone to tell them they can sleep well now makes no sense.

It only makes sense if in his mind his drinking isn't a problem as long as the snoring isn't going to wake you.

The arsyness I would put down to your reality impinging on his - he was comfortably away in his own little vodka-fueled, self justified world, feeling good about himself because he had arranged it so that he could drink and you would still get a good night's sleep, and then you appeared, speaking sense, busting his bubble.

I infer from your question that you are trying to figure out if he is an alcoholic, and from that point, whether the behavior is about alcoholism or a nasty streak. It can be all of that. Alcoholics protect their habit, and while they know on one level that they're treating people badly, they also intend to keep on drinking. The apologies may flow thick and fast, but the drinking happens again and again. This is what you're seeing.

I think someone who plans to drink to excess and thinks he can arrange his life in a way that allows him to do it while kidding himself that his drinking has no impact on anyone is an alcoholic.

The text was sent at around 11pm @mathanxiety. I fell asleep shortly before that, but he must have assumed I was still awake when he sent it. When I woke it was about 2am, I read the message then and went downstairs to him. You have absolutely hit the nail on the head with your answer with regards to me bursting his bubble. I think he was feeling rather smug that he could stay up as long as he wanted abd get drunk, whilst I got a goods nights sleep. In his mind it was win-win and ge no doubt felt very pleased with himself. He is undoubtedly an alcoholic, he would drink anything from 2-3 litres of vodka a week, he hides bottles, minimises how much he drinks and will get very annoyed if anyone challenges his drinking. I think my question was is this type of irrational thinking typically of alcoholics? I don't really know why I'm asking really though if I'm being honest, as it's incredibly poor behaviour no matter what the cause/rationale. I suppose I'm also wondering does his behaviour sound unstable? I'm used to his temper tantrums but I can often see the logic in what pisses him off (not that it's justifiable). This time though, he completely twisted what actually happened and that has really disconcerted me.

I'm afraid this is very typical addict behaviour - in his mind he is doing a good thing (letting you sleep) whilst still being able to indulge his addiction. Everything serves the addiction, the rest is secondary.

At that level of drinking he will be harming his health at breakneck speed and will end up not functioning - major health issues, job loss, the lot. You really need to get out of the relationship sooner rather than later - your DD will soon realise her dad has something wrong with him if she does not already, and you will both be walking on eggshells round the house appeasing him. It's no life for either of you.

I second attending a meeting - if Al-Anon isn't for you, there are other groups. What you need is support in detaching from him and setting the boundaries that will let you life your life with your DD.

As you may have guessed, my late husband was an alcoholic - one who never found recovery. Feel free to ask me whatever you want, you can PM me.

I don't believe he will change unless something very bad were to happen ie) if DD were to have an accident in his care or if he was caught over the limit thr next day etc.

We thought this about our family member. I’m sad to say he has very nearly killed himself on one occasion due to an accident whilst drunk, and risked the lives of his grandchildren that led to one having a significant injury. Even that didn’t change things for him. Being caught drunk driving was nothing - he said he could handle drink and it was ridiculous to hold him to the same levels. I guarantee if you had been able to show his partner 20 years ago what the future held, she would have got out. She feels trapped now as he is so reliant on her. One of her children moved out she 16 and never forgave her. It is heart breaking.

I lived with alcoholic dh for 10 years
Escaped 2 years ago.
Hee still drinks everyday.
I hated being scared in my own house.

Plan your escape. Things won't improve.

Very good friend is an alcoholic, sorry but in my experience something bad happening while drunk is not enough. Friend lost partner, home, children and was caught drunk driving. Her son was accidentally hurt in her care when she had been drinking. If anything she turned to drink more to block this out. I hope your partner is different.

Thank you so much for the kind words and support @pointythings. I'm sorry your husband passed away. Must have been very difficult for you, particularly when it's something he could have prevented if he had only made difference choices. My DH got his liver checked not that long ago and annoyingly it was perfect. He's one of those people that is just naturally very lucky. For example, has awful oral hygiene, never needed a filling in his life, medically obese but has perfect blood pressure. But yes I completely agree that walking on eggshells is no way to live at all. @thebear1 and @How2Help reading these stories shows me I'm likely being quite naive about him stopping then if something were to happen. But to be honest, I don't think anything ever will as like I said, he's just one of those people who nothing bad ever happens to. @Signoramarella well done on having the courage to leave. Your life must be so much better now

@TheElephantBallerina, thanks for clearing up the 11pm/2am text thing.
.....
I want to address some of the thoughts you have expressed.

Don't wait for something bad to happen to your DD down the line.

What is going on right now is bad enough. You are not just being naive about the drinking but also somewhat in denial about its effects if you think an accident is the worst thing that could happen. Daily life with someone who is an alcoholic is a bad, bad thing.

The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but connection.
There is no connection possible during active addiction.

You speak of tantrums, hidden bottles, benders, and the alcoholic planning to drink and protecting his habit. This is an awful environment for a child to grow up in because of the effect the drinking is having on you as much as on him. He is out of it and incompetent while drinking and your attention and energy are sucked up by it even when he isn't.

This is the bad thing that is happening to your DD right now. Do you think your H's mind was on the bedtime routine so close to getting his hands on that bottle of vodka?

You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Nor can you mitigate the effect of it on your DD while she is living in the alcoholic environment. Think of it as an emotional and psychological form of Japanese knotweed or some kind of toxic gas seeping through the floorboards, not something that just affects you occasionally.

TheElephantBallerina the nonsense about how someone has perfect liver function tests so clearly their drinking is OK just does my head in. My late husband had perfect liver function tests - but firstly, the liver has a habit of looking fine in tests until the moment it fully craps out on you, and then it's too late. Secondly, alcohol affects very many other systems of your body. What killed my husband was his heart - directly affected by his drinking. He literally dropped dead one day, 8 months after being taken out of the family home by the police following threats to kill me. And just to give you the perspective - this was a man who lost his home, his marriage, his job - and was still drinking. You can't bank on something bad happening and him changing because of it.

It's very hard to come to terms with the realisation that you are living with someone who will never put you first. It's very hard to call time on your relationship. But you have to do it, for the sake of your child. Get support, start making plans to get out.

That's very interesting about the liver @pointythings. Unfortunately it seems to have given DH a false sense of security by having perfect results. He's currently downstairs now drinking after his nightshift. He's working again tonight. I wasn't aware it could affect the heart also. It must have been a huge shock for you nevertheless when he died. It's very sad that he didn't stop even after losing so much. You're absolutely right, I do need to get out before something bad happens. I remember reading another thread on here once and a poster said she always joked to her DH about alcohol being the other woman in her marriage. Then she realised that she in fact was the other woman, as her husbands relationship was primarily with alcohol. It was a very powerful sentiment.

@TheElephantBallerina to be fair it wasn't a huge shock when he died. We knew he had heart problems, we just never got to the bottom of them, especially because he was not keen on pursuing a proper diagnosis. After he was made to move out, I jumped out of my skin every time my phone rang with an unknown number, in case it was the police calling to tell me he was dead. And in the end that was just what happened. A lot of what I felt was relief - at least it meant I could stop worrying about him because the worst had already happened. He died 12 days before the decree nisi was pronounced.

I am both glad and sad that you are starting to see your path clear. I will promise you this: life without an addict in it is so much better that you will not believe the difference, or understand why you ever put up with it. Set your sights on that goal.

I would say absolutely yes thus is the behaviour of someone with a drinking problem. It causes twisted logic and blame of others. I had an ex with this problem, we had two young children- it was a night,are. I kept thinking I could save him if only I could love him and support him enough.

In the end he gave up drinking after I had truly decided I had had enough and got him to leave. It only happens when you start to give them the responsibility. Funny isn’t it, everyone says this, but it’s only when you go through it yourself that you realise the truth.

It feels like you may be in a similar mindset to me, you feel that you want to help him. I would urge al anon, or have a look at the talk boards on sober recovery. They were helpful to me in recognising thAt only one person can change an alcoholics behaviour, and that is themself. We can only work out what is the right thing for us. And often that is not being with them. It is no way to live. Good luck

It looks as if you are carrying the burden of the alcoholism while he is happy to let you.

You are absolutely the other woman here. His primary relationship is the one with the bottle. Addiction is replacing connection in his life.