Alcoholic boyfriend?

[ajinek]

Good evening, I pretty much know the answer but just want a reassurance I am doing the right thing.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 12 years, we have 3 little kids. He always liked his beer but over the past couple of years his drinking has gotten much worse. He usually has 6 beers every day after work, sometimes he will even go to get couple more if it's still early evening. When he doesn't work he will have beer for breakfast and sometimes doesn't eat anything during the day, just his beer. Occasionally he will have vodka or whisky as well. I would say he gets drunk 3-4 times a week. Last spring he started seeing bunch of guys who also like to drink and he spends most of his free time with them. Of course he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. Our intimate life is almost nonexistent, his hygiene as well, he even takes days off during the week after being drunk the night before as he can, he is self-employed. He is often drunk in front of the kids and plays roughly with them and they know something is wrong with dad. He is also abusive towards me, calling me names, telling me how horrible I am, asking me to take the kids and move back home..
We were supposed to be moving close to his family but because of this situation I told him I don't want to and I am moving close to my family as I don't want this kind of life for my children. My mom knows about this situation as he got very drunk when she was visiting and he was very rude to me and her as well. She grew up in a family with alcoholic father. My boyfriend's father died quite young after being ill from too much drinking.
Am I right to leave him? It's only going to get worse, right?

I'm so sorry @ajinek, how difficult for you and your children.

Yes, you really have no other sensible choice open to you. It will be really hard of course, but the alternative is worse, and you're making the right (very painful) decision.

He has an illness which will drag you down, but worse still the kids who have no say at all in what should be done. You can't help to make him better by staying with him. In fact leaving him might help him to see how bad things are for him. But leave him for your own sanity, leave him for that of the kids, and be very very wary of any pledges that he's mended his ways.

I'm glad your mum is sympathetic and has some insight into this (although sorry she had to go through what she did).

Run for your fucking life. Your poor kids.

That sounds so hard. Glad your mum knows - do you have other support from friends and family?

Realistically you need to separate. Is that something that you feel able to do right now?

You are doing the right thing, you have to have a different life for your children.

Sounds like my late partner was. When I met him he only drank maybe 3 or 4 nights a week, then we split up for a couple of months & when we got back togeth3er he was drinking more, I found out he had been in a short relationship with an alcoholic woman & had been drinking with her when we were apart. This carried on with him having cider for breakfast & drinking through the day instead of eating, by the time he was diagnosed with cirrhosis he was drinking 15 pints of cider & half a bottle of vodka a day. He passed away 4 months after being diagnosed, his liver had completely failed, his kidneys packed up & he drowned in his own blood as his lungs filled with blood, it took him 6 hours to die, he knew he was dying & was terrified even though me & his parents were there, the hospital wouldn't sedate him until the last hour before he died. It was the most horrific thing I had ever seen in my life, he was choking, blood everywhere. I wish they had filmed it to show other alcoholics just how they could end up & what it does to loved ones. If you can't get him to seek help then you need to tell him to leave for your dc sake.

I think it is an inherited condition, my late dp's father was a big drinker, my late dp's best friend died of the same condition & his mum was an alcoholic.

Yes sounds like my ex who has drunk himself very close to death. Me and my DC are safe, happy and loved these days.

You are absolutely right to leave him. I say this as the daughter of an alcoholic father. Please protect your kids and protect yourself at all costs. Unfortunately once alcohol takes hold there is no safe way for you to be with him. Please take care OP and I wish you all the strength and courage to leave, I promise that soon you will feel better and settle down into a new life and wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

@OpheliaThrupps my mom was pretty upset about the whole situation, she wanted to call his mom to tell her about the situation. I never told anyone about what was going on because I was just embarrassed. Actually I ask his mom few months ago if she could talk to him and she took it as I was complaining and it was up to him to stop. That he loves us and I should see it as very important. I am not sure he likes me anymore and because she stayed with her alcoholic husband, I don't want to do the same thing. The thing is we are foreigners and live here without our relatives so they don't see him drinking as we haven't seen each other for two years because of this c situation. However he was drunk few times during WhatsApp call with them.

This situation is really heart breaking as the kids love him but he never really spends time with them.

@D0lphine my mom told my brother because she was pretty upset about what happened. He didn't tell me anything and waited for me to tell him first. One friend knows, she had alcohol and drugs issue in the past, was in rehab years ago so she understands my situation very well.

I can't separate from him and leave right now, unless he will move out. We were supposed to be moving abroad this summer, I want to stick to that and move but close to my family instead of his as was the original plan

He really needs to hit rock bottom to realise how bad he is. For you and your children you need to leave. Presumably then he will do something about it. You are enabling him by staying. A very hard choice but it needs to be done. Best of luck.

Please, please, please for the sake of your children and your mental health do NOT move abroad with this alcoholic waste of space.

Unless he accepts that he had an alcohol problem things will continue to spiral downwards, you will get dragged down with him and you won't have any local support.

You need to think with your head not your heart because it will get broken.

And for God's sake do not have any more children with him. I hope you are working and financially independent.

@TillyTopper thank you so much for your support. It's very hard at the moment. We were supposed to be building a new house together but I can't see the future with him any more. It's a huge commitment, he doesn't do anything for that, lost all interest, doesn't have any plan.. I don't want to go into huge debt with someone we will drink more and more..

@RampantIvy Unfortunately I am not working as our youngest is very little. Though I have some money as we are getting UC and some savings. I am definitely not having any more children with him. I am moving abroad, not with him but to be closer to my family who I know will support me. My dad doesn't know anything yet, he will go mental