Anyone else have an alcoholic DP? Is this typical behaviour?

[Hedwig89]

Not sure if this is the right place to post but suspect I may get kinder replies than in AIBU. With DP about 5 years, have a toddler DD together. When I got pregnant with DD I moved in with him and it became clear he was a functioning alcoholic. He would drink anything between 2-3 litre bottles of vodka a week. I say he's functioning as he manages to hold down a senior role in a very demanding job. He works shifts so would often have clusters of days off together. I have spoken to him about his alcohol usage before but it doesn't go down well. At times (when drunk) he will occasional make jokey remarks about being an alcoholic though and needing to cut down. When drinking he is normally fairly affable. He does have a temper though and can be verbally aggressive. It's more often he gets very cross when sober however. I think he struggles with family life at times and has went from living by himself for 10 years to having a child and partner move in. I work too but only part time and I try to work on his days off to save on childcare. Last week I worked Saturday and Sunday. My shifts are long (14 hours) so he put DD to bed Fri and Saturday night. When I came in Sunday night he was trying to get DD settled. After he did, he went straight to the fridge and opened a bottle of vodka. He made it clear he wanted to be by himself (and in fairness I was happy enough to go upstairs as I didn't want to be around him when he was in bad form and I was tired and just wanted to read). I came down at one point to get something and got snapped at for disturbing his peace and quiet. He later apologised for being snappy but stayed up drinking until the early hours (drank about three quarters of the bottle) then lay in bed all day Monday. When I asked him was he planning to get up at all he agreed he would "if I was struggling with DD". I wasn't and just didn't really want to interact with him so just left him to it. For a variety of reasons I can't leave at the minute, so the advice to LTB isn't constructive. However I know this behaviour is not sustainable long term. What I would like to know, has anyone been in the same situation either being with an alcoholic DP or who has been alcoholic dependent themselves? Is this inability to cope with family life typical? I do believe he loves us all but he just can't seem to cope with any minor stress without a drink. I would dread to think what he would be like if he didn't have alcohol as a crutch. There are obviously elements of depression too (the staying in bed etc) which I know obviously isn't helped by drinking. I'm aware I'm enabling his behaviour by being "accepting" of his alcohol usage and not making a fuss about him staying in bed but it's honestly just easier and I am aware of how pathetic that sounds. To add insult to injury, he doesn't really seem to enjoy intimacy with me. He will initiate occasionally but it's more often initiated by me. I suspect know he prefers to sort himself out as it's less hassle which doesn't help my self esteem. I'm not sure if this possibly ties in with the depression/alcoholism too or if this is a deeper issue. It's not something I can really admit to anyone in RL. I suppose I'm just looking to hear stories/advice from people experiencing similar. Reading over this I know people will be itching to tell me to leave (I would if I were reading another poster writing it) but as I said I'm really just looking for solidarity at the minute.

Hiya, yes I'm afraid I went through the same with my ex. He'd drink every night, manage to hold down a job, but spent most of the weekend in bed ignoring me and our DC. I was a single mum in all but name so it was really just a matter of time before I got fed up.
I suspect depression was a huge factor but he'd never address that or his drinking.
I know leaving isn't an option right now but do give it some thought

Thank you for the reply @Nothingsfine and for not judging also. I'm sorry you went through the same. I'm glad you were able to leave. You must have felt so much better without the extra stress. I know exactly what you mean about being a single mum in all but name. Did he ever stop drinking?

I’m glad you realise this is only going to get worse and you need to get out before your child thinks this is how to cope with life
Sorry this is happening to you and there is no option but to leave , do what you need to do to get your life in a good place ( ie promotion child in school etc ) but you need to leave unless he plans on stopping
You can Suggest the doctors and AA for him and (AL Amon for for you ) but if he doesn’t want to engage you cannot do anything to make him stop

@Hedwig89

Thank you for the reply *@Nothingsfine* and for not judging also. I'm sorry you went through the same. I'm glad you were able to leave. You must have felt so much better without the extra stress. I know exactly what you mean about being a single mum in all but name. Did he ever stop drinking?

I can't describe the relief actually. No more walking on egg shells or trying to keep DC quiet when he was asleep in the middle of the day, no more trying to guess what mood he would be in. No more lending him money for wine because he'd run out of money after a month, no more having to drive us everywhere so he could drink, no more bullying behaviour from him. I could go on.

I'm afraid he never stopped drinking, despite rehab stints. Has now lost his job, hasn't seen our DC in two years through his own choice and is not far off dying through decompensated cirrhosis of the liver.
Trying to help our DC deal with all of that is awful, but living in the same house as it would be a million times worse so I'm very grateful I trusted my gut and got away.

*ran out of money a week after getting paid I should have said

If the drinking is a crutch then it's studded with nails and made of rubber. It is not helping him cope, it's making everything harder. I would suggest he needs help and support him but if he's not willing, it's possibly a slippery slope. Sorry op, not your fault but you suffer. This really is so unfair.

Thanks for the reply @nitsandwormsdodger, yes I'm definitely getting my "ducks in a row" as they say. Have been picking up extra shifts if I can to squirrel money away. Unfortunately there's no way he would engage with AA as he doesn't believe (superficially) that he has a problem. @Nothingsfine that's a horrible way to live. I only know too well what you mean about the walking on eggshells, being as quiet as possible, doing anything you can just to avoid setting him off etc. You done really well leaving though. How much did your ex drink? It's sad his life has ended up like this, it's a terrible affliction to have but ultimately people know the consequences. It must be incredibly hard for your poor DC as well. My stepfather was an alcoholic too and I remember feeling so resentful thar he chose drink over us. I actually felt more resentful for my mum for staying though and I'm sure your DC are so glad you had the courage to leave. DP got his liver checked a while ago due to medication he was on and of course his liver function was perfect . In a way I had hoped it was abnormal to give him a wake up call, but I think it's just made him feel invincible. He's the absolute picture of health. @SummerHouse yes the alcohol absolutely doesn't help his depression, and then he drinks because he's depressed. It's a vicious cycle. Unfortunately he can't seem to join the dots. When he doesn't drink for a few days though he gets extremely annoyed about very trivial matters. He just cannot cope at all without it.

Get out of there before this does to your daughter what living with an alcoholic did to you. You have no time to waste and no excuse will suffice.

The amount he drinks will mean he is physically dependant on alcohol

I would guess that when he says he isn't drinking and gets irritable, he is in fact cutting down (then giving in and going at it full tilt again.

I know you feel you can't leave but I would urge you not to leave your dd with him alone.

He really can't be trusted. He is quite likely to pass out leaving dd to her own devices or will lack the emotional control needed to deal with a toddler.

There is a reason why children shouldn't be raised by alcoholics and your dd needs you to keep her safe.

My Dad was the same as your partner and if it helps you to see more clearly, here is one incident from my childhood (one of many).

My Dad looked after my toddler brother while we were out. We were gone two hours and we came home to find the baby sat in front of an open kitchen cupboard, having dragged the pressure cooker out with broken glass all around him from a glass which had been in the cupboard.

My Dad was fast asleep on the sofa.

My Mum is not a good person so had no interest in protecting us so I lived my whole childhood with this sort of shit show.

My Dad is dead now and I'm NC with my Mum.

Don't let that be your dd's life.

I promise you I am not trying to make you feel guilty or suggest you are a bad person. But time is of the essence in this kind of situation.

Hi . I see this issue from all sides and the answer always remains the same

He will only stop drinking if HE wants to . You could cry , beg , crawl on your knees , fly a banner through the sky , NOTHING will work unless he wants to stop . I’m sorry but that’s the truth .

Only you know your boundaries and what you can manage within your marriage .

I will add as well alcohol intake usually increases as tolerance develops. His intake will likely start climbing . The slippery slope is not a myth .

Also liver blood tests are a red herring they are not always an accurate picture . Liver damage in the early stages shows very very few signs . Once symptoms start it’s usually at the irreversible stage . He’s giving himself cold comfort

@Adm1010

Also liver blood tests are a red herring they are not always an accurate picture . Liver damage in the early stages shows very very few signs . Once symptoms start it’s usually at the irreversible stage . He’s giving himself cold comfort

Agreed. The only reliable way to check for cirrhosis would be a fibroscan and they don't do them as a matter of course. Standard LF blood tests won't always indicate a problem.

Yes, I’ve been married to a “functioning” alcoholic-it’s a grim way to live, I’m really sorry you are finding yourself there too. Please don’t let the “functioning” bit fool you. He is an alcoholic, end of. Unfortunately, unless he stops first (less likely), he won’t always function (much more likely that he’ll carry on to this point). The functioning tends to deteriorate as the addiction slides abs alcoholism is, I’m afraid, is a progressive problem.

I totally recognise the checking out of family life and responsibilities. That’s definitely part of the pattern and it’s really hard. I hope you have lots of support around you and if you haven’t already, I really urge you to be open about it with people close to you.

You say the staying in bed may be caused by depression. Of course, it might well be, but alcoholism causes depression and it’s more likely he’s in bed because of the effects of the drinking.

The downturn in his sex drive is likely fuelled by the booze too.

I know you probably don’t want to hear this, I understand how hard it is to accept (and how much more difficult it makes your life), but you really need to be extremely careful about letting him have sole care of your dd. At that level of drinking, he is likely to be often over the limit the next day.

I eventually left my exh to protect my children from the effects of an alcoholic father and to protect my own sanity. It certainly hasn’t been easy BUT, as others have said, the relief of no longer dealing with that is immense.

Look after yourself and your ex, whatever you decide.

Dd not ex-sorry!

Hey Op.
I can also concur with @AFitOfTheVapours and @Nothingsfine. My ex (giving it away) was the same. He functioned but he hid a lot of stuff too and when confronted was manipulative enough to turn things around. I think about our time together now as a smoke and mirrors game; never knowing whats real or not. Key relationship milestones he couldn't remember. He too didn't initiate intimacy. Over pregnancy he almost saw any attention I received as confirmation that "men are sidelined" 🙄 despite never reading anything (but still having lots of "dad's perspective" books). His headaches and backaches that stifled us doing stuff at weekends pre having a child, didn't stop when I had my son. And just meant we spent a lot of weekend mornings waiting for him to get up/ motivated to be part of normal family life. My ex coupled his drinking with codeine use too, but would vehemently deny it, despite shopping round for it.
I guess you have to ask yourself what's keeping you there. For me, the straw that broke the camels back was that he took our son out and drunk drove (he's now denying this happened...) But it was 6 days prior to our wedding. So, instead of ignoring it, I took that as motivation to leave. It's been two years. He's still "involved" but he's still the selfish man he always was; I'm just seeing it more clearly now that it's impacting on our son. Basically, its hard to leave, no doubt. But... And this is what we are all saying, it's actually EASIER to be alone sometimes when you don't have the dragging of a dead weight who won't acknowledge their problems, help you out on a day to day basis and whose recovery is entirely dependent upon themselves. Basically, you're already doing all the work in the relationship alone. But you have a partner who won't be helping with that and at times actively hinders. Pre kids, my partner had stints of soberiety; he was loving and kind. But he never took responsibility for his drinking; it was always the stress and pressure of work, his living situation, his friends, his parents etc etc who had driven those episodes.
I think you know that your choices here are pretty binary; stay and muddle along alone but in a relationship where your needs don't count because your secondary to the drink. Or leave and have to deal with a period of uncertainty and grief (it isn't great but..) you will be free of the constant issues and eggshells..
Good luck. I know it's really not easy.

@Dinorattle1