Please Help Me

[YABVVU]

I know this has been done a million times but I NEED help. How do I do this? I'm 48, dedicate my life to my children (12 & 9) but at the same time am slowly killing myself with this poison.

I drink over a bottle of Wine every other night, don't weigh much because the drink replaces food and look like shit. Had a severely abusive upbringing which I'll never get over, abusive marriage but am out of it! I feel proud that I finally got out of his clutches and the children are very happy. I have a wonderful man in my life, am broke, a lovely home, a new job, am retraining and getting my life back together.

The boozy forgotten nights where I escape my world have no place in my new happy life. So why do I still do this? Because I'm addicted after 20 years of drinking to excess, this filthy habit will take a while to f*ckoff out of my system.

Feel hopeless and like a loser. Hate myself for still doing this and potentially damaging my children's lives. They mean everything to me and dont deserve having an addicted mum.

Please help me and share with me some success stories - how did you stop?I'm in awe of you and wish an alcohol free life for me too.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. You have been through so much and you were and are still doing your best. This can absolutely be sorted, I really believe that. You can unlearn this and you will need support with it and with processing the trauma of what happened to you. There are many routes out of drinking and I’m sure people will offer you great advice on here. The fact that you don’t drink every night is a positive to begin with. The self hate has to be stopped. You are taking steps to help yourself so let this be the turning point where you start to see yourself differently. Wishing you all the best x

@YABVVU I’m so pleased you’ve managed to leave your abusive marriage and that you are getting your life back together, that’s great!
I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and I’m not surprised you are drinking like this. It may be that you are drinking to cope with the traumatic events of your past.
You are definitely not a loser, you sound like a great mum and someone who is determined to give their children a better life.

I drank a similar amount to you and gave up alcohol completely (after a few false starts) 22 months ago. The first bit was hard (mostly because you suddenly have to deal with all your feelings without booze!) but my life is 1000x better now I’m sober🤩

Come and hang out with us on the thread below! We are a very inclusive bunch, there’s lots of old hands and always many newbies on the thread. The thread saved my sanity and sobriety many times at the start of my journey. You might also like to talk to your GP, they will be able to help too.

Good luck!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4461184-The-freedom-thread-continued-Riding-the-rollercoaster-of-an-alcohol-free-life

In same place. Am sending empathy and would like to listen to some great advice too. Same age. Just want to kick this. I am drinking every night though.

Im weeping at your responses right now!

Thanks for responding and telling me it can be done. The self hate comes from the a deep inward belief that I'm not worthy of anything . . . .my parents came from a muslim background. I was treated like a third class citizen and had to finally escape their constant death threats by moving to other side of the world...alone! I was a naive, unworldly woman but made it so far. Then I went and got married to a controlling wanker because it felt familiar - in my mind, he wasn't that bad surely? But of course he was. I lost all my savings, had to give up work to support my challenged daughter, was stuck indoors for years with no hope whilst he hid the family money and gallivanted on holidays/was out in bars 3/4 times per week. I was abandoned/ neglected by him but I suppose was partly to blame because I allowed it to happen.

My new (ish) man is the first person to love me unconditionally. . . he really does . My children love me too and so I have to stop for them.

You've stopped, many have stopped and so will I!!

Day 1 of my new life has arrived .

Keep posting!! Good luck with your journey, I hope you can find the right kind of support to process what you have been through. I agree the GP would be a good place to start unless you can afford to find a private therapist, that is if you feel ready for that step. A mood assessment is going to be important for you

Have you read any quit lit? There are so many wonderful books about how to stop drinking e.g. The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray and The Naked Mind by Annie Grace. Claire Pooley's blog Mummy Was A Secret Drinker became a book called The Sober Diaries and I stopped drinking because of it. Also check out the Club Soda Together support group on Facebook, lots of people sharing stories and support. You can do it! Good luck.

@ turnaroundtouchtheground - I know deep inside I ought to seek medical help but am hesitant. My g*t of an ex tried to accuse me of being an unfit mum through solicitors/police when we were going through the divorce. Oh the irony...he left me to bring up the children alone every day/night but told the authorities I was an unfit mum! So, I'm slightly paranoid about such things going on my medical records.

@ AcerLady - I tried Annie Grace and Club Soda Together support group. For whatever reason they didnt do it for me. Seemed to make me feel blue and like there was no hope of quitting.

Going to try The Sober Diaries and other avenues.

Has anyone tried the reframe app?

Hallo @YABVVU

I've just started posting on the long running thread mentioned above and am finding it really helpful.

You have had such a dreadful time. Would it help to think of alcohol as something that helped because it blocked out all the pain but isn't a tool that you need anymore? You can put it down now and move on. Easier said than done I know, but the point is also not to beat yourself up about the past

I have read loads of quit lit
Listened to loads of podcasts
I absolutely agree with everything they say, but nothing “ sticks “ - or it does for a few days then.....
However- I’ve just finished listening to “The truth about alcohol “ by William Porter and something has clicked.
This book was recommended on a thread on here- apologies as I don’t remember who started it, but I am grateful to whoever it was and the encouragement I have received.
I have been sober for 1 week- with no desire for a drink
I have changed nothing else, same job, same stress, same triggers
I am not being complacent but wanted to reach out to you and say that there is definitely hope so don’t give in.
We all drink for different reasons but it was a lightbulb moment when I realised that my weight/ problems/ stresses/ anxieties would potentially be alleviated for a while by a drink but they would still be there the next day but accompanied by guilt/ anger at myself/ wasted calories etc
Wishing you all the best xx

@JenTree3000 completely agree. Booze is a short-term sticking plaster form of escape. It's the equivalent of brushing all the rubbish under the bed so it's out of sight. You might not be able to see it, but it's still there. And it'll still be there in the morning.

@YABVVU I definitely suggest you start by understanding what your specific triggers to drinking are. Is it a particular time of day? Particular activity? Particular thought? Becoming aware of what's going on is the first step I have found with many people. Bring automatic/unconscious drinking to the forefront of the mind. Because when you can SEE the habit happening you can start to understand it. I know I used to often be on my second glass before I was even really aware I'd opened the bottle (as mad as that sounds).

Hello all and thanks for making the time to post.

My triggers are the evenings which were so lonely. It’s brings back all those nights of crying myself to sleep and being petrified about being the possibly of being attacked by my mum or dad. The blackness spooks me out to this day. Daft at my age I know .

The sound of anything during winter evenings sets me off. I shudder at the thought of someone tearing me apart with nasty put downs or physically attacking me. . .

So the alcohol (that I didn’t taste until age 28), was very sweet because it took me somewhere fat far away from it all - the escapism was just perfect.

It doesn’t have a place in my life right now. . .

It’s lovely that you’ve all been so kind and have given me sound advice. This is what mumsnet was invented for. This is mumsnet at its best .

We are the best! wink]

Sorry for the typos - English is not my first language. I reread time and time again but FAILED 😂

If you are an alcoholic, you will find that books, apps etc do not help. Alcoholism does not respect boundaries of class, race, sex or religion, affecting all sufferers equally.

I personally would recommend AA without which I would not have been able to stop - now 28 years ago. I also found a new and wonderful life.

Good luck!

OP you absolutely can do it. You sound like a brilliant and devoted mum who has been through so much.
I had a really tough relationship with an alcoholic and I got out too. A few years later I tackled my own drinking and I'm now 16 months sober. I cannot describe how much better I feel. The anxiety and sadness have gone.
I hope you can find some talking therapy that works for you and I second the quit lit.
Keep going x

@YABVVU It makes sense that the evenings will be a trigger for you given the things you have been through. But that doesn't mean you need to think about any of that past stuff anymore unless you choose to. Your choice but I offer it's not helping you move forward.

You wrote a hugely empowering statement: "It doesn’t have a place in my life right now. . ."

So how do you want to see yourself and alcohol from this point on? How would someone who sees that alcohol has no place in their life act? Today and in 3 years' time?

Asking these questions bring your mind into the realm of what's possible and out of what's been. This is how you create YOUR success story.

Oh and by the way - responding to an earlier of your posts - you are worthy. You just are.

@ JenTree3000 - how are you doing? Have you managed the nights without alcohol since Sunday? I began listening to the William Porter book and will continue listening to it tonight. Thanks for the recommendation, I'm enjoying his fresh, scientific approach and the narrators serene voice is soothing.

@ brightspice - well that post has made me teary I'm not going to lie. Its the truth, this is about thinking - fuck the past and what I did to myself/body, forget the reasons too.

How do I see myself from this point on? The thought of thinking of my sober future has bought a smile to my face - I could NOT have said that during the past 20 years!

Right, tonights replacement will be Fish n Chips, Curry Sauce, Haribo Tangfastics and watching the Tinder Swindler on Netflix. I haven't eaten junk in a while, this should good.

Enjoy you evening all and thanks once again

Yes still alcohol free!
However.... listening to the audio book today I honestly started to think about “ just one glass “ it’s absolutely true what the author says, as a few days pass we forget the downside of alcohol and see our drinking through rose tinted glasses. It was a momentary thought though and I decided I was stronger than the desire to have wine to relax this evening.
It made me more determined to carry on as I know that ultimately alcohol does me no favours.
Hope everyone is doing well

Hello

How is everybody? JenTree3000 - brilliant work and hope you're pushing on through.

I'm off to see my babies to take them out to dinner and often have a glass of Wine with my meal. Just the one when I'm with them but later on in the evening when home, it gives me the taste for more and so a bottle is opened.

The William Porter book is being listened to and kind of sinking in but its depressing knowing what Ive been voluntarily doing to my body over the last 20 years

This is a selfish post, I'm just trying to get my innermost thoughts out there.

For those of you who have managed to get clean, you're simply magnificent!

How are you getting on @YABVVU? You do not sound like a loser at all! You've already achieved so much others wouldn't have been able to, you're strong!!
Do you struggle stopping when you start drinking? There are a few of us On this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4436070-day-1
Feel free to join us anytime.

How are you doing YBVVU? you have been through a lot already. Have you had any help for this at all? I am 6 weeks sober, similar reasons, I drank to stop myself thinking. I have 2 DC 12 & 14 and they deserve a better mum. I have tried everything AA, GP online groups. This has been over many years. This approach failed for me.

So what is different now? I have had counselling and started medication, but that is personal. I have listened to audio books I couldn't cope with reading. I have really enjoyed alcohol lied to me (Craig Beck) and others by him, drink by Professor Nutt, another love by Amanda Prowse and Mrs D is going without. I dipped in and out of Annie Grace but didn't much for me.

I constantly listened to these books, I planned nice treats such as chocolate (lots) new nail varnish, skin care. I found I had time and energy and it was the boost I needed. I stopped without medical help but, I did take all of the liver supplements recommend by Craig Beck.

My diet is still poor, but I am slowly improving that, and, I have just started exercising. I am sure you have read about the benefits, the sleep, the energy, clear eyes and best of all I can face my children and I have begun to like myself again.

It is a battle, it takes time but the best approach is hour by hour initially until the days build up. There is loads of support here on MN too. Good luck.

Hello MinnieJackson. Thanks for the link, Im totally 100% an all or nothing kind of person. I'll look at the thread

Rupertpenrysmistress - a big congratulations for reaching 6 weeks - that is a super achievement and I take my hat off to you!

Would you share which medication you've taken and if it was the thing that stopped you? Were you an everyday drinker? Is 6 week sober a long while for you? Did the liver supplements recommend by Craig Beck help you? Or was it another medication?

So happy to hear you like yourself again, keep up the good work!

So medication is anti depressants to help with the reason I drank. I take all of the supplements recommend by Craig Beck.

6 weeks is not quite my longest, think I got to about 10 weeks but, this time feels very different. It is like a switch has been flicked. I was at my parents today and DM was pouring my fave wine, she offered me a glass and I didn't need to think twice, it was just, not thank you, I had no desire for it. In fact when I thought about drinking it, I felt sick.

Wrt my drinking it was so variable, never every day maybe 3-4 days per week and at least 1 bottle per night 2 if it was the weekend. I would not know when to stop when I went out anywhere, holiday/pub/family do/work event. It was horrible. I cannot moderate so have to stop. I need this time to be successful.