Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

How to access rehab for alcoholic brother

38 replies

SavBbunny · 25/01/2022 18:42

Can anyone help point me in the right direction?
Brother on dialysis for kidney disease. Will not stop drinking. A bottle of spirts a day. Partner cannot cope. She has asked him to leave her home. He has nowhere to go.
He do I help him? He has two grown up daughters who have their own issues. We have no extra space in our home.
Can I ask his GP/consultant to get him into a hospital? Am I next of kin?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 25/01/2022 18:45

If he has capacity unless he agrees to go, he can't be made to. Does he want to stop drinking?

TheSpottedZebra · 25/01/2022 18:47

It's so tough for you but he has to want to stop. Otherwise rehab is beyond pointless.

Ballcactus · 25/01/2022 18:56

Search for substance misuse services in your area- he has to go himself though. Rehab spaces are not easy to come by and there are panels etc

ComingtoKent · 25/01/2022 18:59

My understanding is that he will only be hospitalised if he has a seizure. This happened to someone I know. Then in hospital they are put on a medical detox, to safely get them off the alcohol and minimise danger of more seizures.

The hospital had specialist nurses who offered some ongoing support, but not full rehab. In fact, he relapsed badly and ended up in expensive private rehab a year later. As previous posters say, the person has to want to stop and buy into the help on offer.

It's very difficult, you have my sympathy.

theemmadilemma · 25/01/2022 19:00

He needs to see his GP, they can refer him to the local substance abuse service. (He may be able to refer himself also if you find them.)

Process for me (late stage, alcohol dependent) was 3 months counselling and aiming for reduction over that period. 10 day at home detox (medical) with daily check in at the service. Post detox counselling- as long as required. I signed out 3 months later.

Hope this helps.

theemmadilemma · 25/01/2022 19:00

Let me know if I can answer anything else.

I'm fast coming up 2.5 years sober.

MichelleScarn · 25/01/2022 19:03

@theemmadilemma

Let me know if I can answer anything else.

I'm fast coming up 2.5 years sober.

Congratulations 🎊 @theemmadilemma that's some feat 2.5 years!
mathanxiety · 25/01/2022 19:04

To mix metaphors horribly - you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him want to stop drinking.

He has to be the one to either die or decide to stop. Nobody else can do this for him.

I recommend you and SIL join Al Anon for Families.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 25/01/2022 19:05

Congratulations @theemmadilemma really well done!

MintMatchmaker · 25/01/2022 19:11

@theemmadilemma

Let me know if I can answer anything else.

I'm fast coming up 2.5 years sober.

Congratulations @theemmadilemma I hope you are suitably proud of your sobriety.

OP, your brother won’t be offered a hospital place because his partner has kicked him out. Has he shown any desire to get sober? Unfortunately this is something he has to choose and want for himself.

moomee12 · 25/01/2022 19:12

Do you have the means to pay for it? I don't think in patient rehab is covered on the NHS, is it?

I think it's just a case of being hospitalised for the physical affects if they become life threatening. But once he goes home nobody can stop him drinking. He has to want to and choose to.

JamieNorthlife · 25/01/2022 19:14

@SavBbunny

Can anyone help point me in the right direction? Brother on dialysis for kidney disease. Will not stop drinking. A bottle of spirts a day. Partner cannot cope. She has asked him to leave her home. He has nowhere to go. He do I help him? He has two grown up daughters who have their own issues. We have no extra space in our home. Can I ask his GP/consultant to get him into a hospital? Am I next of kin?
OP, Maybe speak to his GP and the hospital where he is receiving dialysis. they may be able to help. you dont have legal obligation to be NOK. Your brother can nominate anyone he wants. Some info I found "In the Mental Health Act 2005 there is a list of family members in obvious priority order – spouse, child, parent, sibling, grandparent, grandchild, uncle/aunt, nephew/niece. But this is really just a checklist of people who might be contacted by “the authorities” if you are found wandering in the street with total memory loss, in which case it is too late for you to nominate the appropriate individual."
SavBbunny · 25/01/2022 19:35

Thank you all. He on occasion says that he wants to die.
I thought he was getting better. He can afford rehab. He doesn't accept he needs detox.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 25/01/2022 19:39

Is the kidney disease caused by alcohol? How much does it affect his quality of life?

For me personally, I don't think a relationship breakdown would have forced me to get help. Being so ill is what got me to that point.

If he's past that point, there may be little hope of recovery. I'm sorry.

Adm1010 · 25/01/2022 19:40

He can be referred to the community alcohol team. Most take self referral or GP can do it . But he needs to want this and he needs to then work with the community team . They will work on reduction and if he engages they might put him forward for inpatient detox / rehab but this wouldn’t be in an acute hospital setting and it can take months to secure funding . They can also look at community detox with ongoing PSI to follow as an alternative to an inpatient route . Throughout all this if he stopped engaging they could close him to the service as the service is massively stretched .

An admission to an acute hospital setting would only be for an acute / potentially life threatening reason . Not for detox alone . Once medically fit he’d be discharged with the offer of community follow up and support which would be as above .

I’m sorry you’re going through this I know it’s incredibly difficult

SavBbunny · 25/01/2022 19:55

@theemmadilemma

Yes the kidney disease is from alcohol. He had a hemorrhage. He has been drinking to access for about twenty years. Lost business, driving etc. He thinks he is just a bit of a drinker. My siblings are not interested in helping. His daughters are both exhausted by him. One no longer speaks to him. His partner is frightened of him. He isn't violent but nasty and angry. He has contracted covid. I doubt he would admit anything. He is younger than me.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 25/01/2022 20:17

@SavBbunny I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. It undoubtedly hurts the people who care.

If his wife kicks him out, he might just hit the rock bottom he needs. My instinct based on what you've said is that for your own mental health you'd be better coming to an acceptance that he doesn't have it in him to change and he isn't going to.

SavBbunny · 25/01/2022 20:38

@theemmadilemma

He is not married so his partner feels it is her house. Prior to this relationship he has lived with me on a number of occasions. However like most alcoholics he stops for a few weeks and thinks he is cured.
No one has ever been able to help him other than me. The drink is a family problem. I am newly af having decided i can't just cut down anymore. I can't just leave him to die. I am a loss this time how to help.

OP posts:
moomee12 · 25/01/2022 20:45

Is he on the mortgage?

theemmadilemma · 25/01/2022 21:19

He should seek advice about the house if needed.

You can offer your home but it may not be the right thing to do.

Keep encouraging him to seek help, but he absolutely has to want it. It can be so hard to see a life without alcohol. You have to want a different life enough to commit to sobriety.

qualitygirl · 25/01/2022 21:21

There is absolutely no point in sending him to rehab @SavBbunny unless he WANTS to go it is a waste of everyone's time. I'm sorry...

MichelleScarn · 25/01/2022 21:27

Is he working, does he have an income? Is the partner frightened of him and thats why she's asked him to leave?

WildPoinsettia · 25/01/2022 21:57

You said he can afford private rehab. So he has more than a basic income or savings then, as people have said rehab is expensive. He won't go to rehab and you can't make him, that's the truth of it.

He can rent a place to live though, that's something you can help him with, searching the internet and driving him to viewings for example.

The other option is to apply for emergency homeless provision from the council.

If he co-owns his house with his ex-partner then he is unlikely to be eligible for this. Council would expect him to sort out that situation, get the house sold and house himself from his share of the proceeds. They wouldn't house him while he sorts that.

Even if eligible, as a single person without dependent children he would be so low down on the priority as to realistically never get housed. In some UK areas with high demand, he wouldn't even qualify for a hostel place.

To be given a place in a homeless hostel while you wait for housing, people generally need to be sober/clean. If they find him drunk/drugged they won't let him in/will ask him to leave. And that's it, his place there lost. It will probably be in the terms of the rental agreement that tenants aren't allowed to even possess alcohol, kept on the homeless accommodation premises.

So all considered his best bet is to find a private rental. Otherwise he's goiyto be a rough sleeper on discharge from hospital.

I advise against taking him into your own home, especially if you live with others as that decision will likely damage your relationship with them. It also wouldn't be advisable for you as a newly alcohol free person to have someone living with you who is drinking and bringing alcohol home etc. You also have enough stresses right now with your new alcohol free journey and trying to look after someone who doesn't even want to stop drinking would add to those stresses, which could cause you to relapse.

PieonaBarm · 25/01/2022 22:02

I've had dialysis, it's awful and thankfully my kidneys kicked back in and started to work again. Mine wasn't alcohol related but was Covid related. There are a few different ways of receiving dialysis, is he dialysed at home or does he go to a dialysis unit for it? How many times a week? Inpatient rehab would be difficult if he had to go to a dialysis unit elsewhere 6/7 times a week. And you have to go. Otherwise you die.

You'd have to get him to agree to treatment and recognise he has a problem with alcohol, he won't be accepted or complete rehab without it. His consultant won't speak to you unless he's specifically given permission. As I have full capacity I had to name my husband as being able to discuss my condition fully, and he is my next of kin.

I don't want to sound harsh but having been there, If being attached to a dialysis machine and watching it spin your blood round knowing that is all that stands between you and death doesn't make him address the route cause of the problem then not much else will.

Dialysis is a very lonely place to be. It's hard, both mentally and physically.

pointythings · 26/01/2022 11:30

Unless he wants to stop drinking, rehab will do him no good at all. It doesn't sound as if he is ready for recovery.

His partner was absolutely right to kick him out - living with someone who is in active dependency is hell. I hope she is seeking support - and I hope you seek out family support as well, because you deserve to learn how to detach with love, support without enabling and live your life without feeling responsible for your brother's addiction. Accepting how powerless we are in that situation is hard, but it can be done.