Good day, this may be a long post but I don't know where else to turn.
I am a 27 year old male from the United States and have an alcohol problem that has spiraled out of control within this past year. I started drinking when I was 21 and while I never drank frequently enough for it to get in the way of my obligations for many years, I always showed signs of problem drinking (drinking alone, blacking out, embarrassing my family more times than I can remember, etc).
I have used alcohol in the past as a form of self medication to deal with depression and feelings of low self esteem in addition to a resentment about life. This past year, I got passed over for a promotion I desperately needed to advance my career, that has left me without anything but a year with nothing to do other than ruminate on how much I dislike my life as I reapply for positions. To make a long story short, I am an MD with no place to work primarily due to a bad luck of the draw from an archaic system my country uses to train physicians.
I have gone through months over much of the past year where I have drunk less than others, but seldom consume less than a bottle of hard liquor a week and can't go more than a few days without getting drunk. June 2021 was a particularly bad month and was the last time I was physically dependent. I slowed down a little after going to AA for a couple of weeks, but found it hard to connect with other members and didn't like the religious/spiritual element to it, so I stopped going. 90% of the times I do drink, I drink until I blackout and usually don't remember anything about the night beforehand. I am frightened seeing my long term memory starting to become affected as well as it's hard for me to remember what I've done over the past several weeks/months.
My parents are deeply concerned and I can see they are losing their patience with me. I moved away from home a couple of months ago to avoid being around them since I know I am getting worse and that the way I act when I drink could threaten their marriage or even their physical safety. My mom called me on New Years to wish me well and I responded (apparently) by saying horrific things to her (I have a lot of anger towards them for reasons to verbose to get into here) but I followed up later that night by bombarding her with absolutely disgusting, hateful texts. I apologized to her the next day but she seemed very cold towards me and my father came over to see me with a look of disappointment like nothing I have ever seen from him.
I feel really badly about what I've become. I am not taking care of myself at all and pretty much have every other bad habit a human being can possess short of hard drugs (chain smoking, casual sex, gambling, marijuana, terrible diet, no exercise, etc). I am getting exhausted with living like this, but I am so pessimistic and feel so wronged by both my profession and my country that it just makes me truly want to die/self-destruct. I really wish things could be different as what I've become is not anything I ever wanted to be, but I feel trapped in a negative loop that is seemingly unbreakable. I've ruined my relationship with my parents, siblings, extended family, friends, and have lost everything I've ever cared about and am just alone aside from an occasional woman who thinks she can change me.
I am hoping things change in a few months when I hear back from places I interviewed with, but I am worried that I am so dependent on alcohol at this point and have spoiled so many other facets of my life that I may have reached the point of no return. If anyone has any advice or experience they could share I would greatly appreciate it as I feel like I am decending into a dark whole very quickly.