I can very much relate to this, although my drinking wasn’t quite at this level (ie no day drinking for me). I’ve also struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens, having been on (mostly) and off antidepressants since my teens. I’ve been trying to moderate for many years, but always went back to square one fairly quickly.
This time round, something has profoundly shifted in me, and I’ve finally (99.99%!) accepted that moderation isn’t ever going to be possible for me. For me, the process looked like this…
Drinking as usual, feeling vaguely bad about it but not trying to moderate.
Bought audiobook of ‘Drink? The New Science of Alcohol’ by Prof David Nutt, and listened to it every night for months.
Let it seep into my brain, and started understanding and accepting what alcohol was doing to my brain and body.
Started to think (and write in my journal) about making changes.
After a stressful event which led to my drinking even more, and a comment by someone close to me that really made me think, I was considering doing Sober November.
Discovered the Annie Grace free 30 day Alcohol Experiment. Started Nov 1st.
Had some major realisations in the first weeks, particularly that the panic attacks that’d been plaguing me for a long time were largely caused, and definitely exacerbated, by alcohol withdrawal.
In the second week, decided to commit to a longer period alcohol free.
First month was pretty dreadful, really. I didn’t struggle that much with not drinking, because having firmly made the decision was revelatory in how it stopped the exhausting internal dialogue about drinking (which always ended the same way - with me at the door of the fridge at precisely 5pm). What was hard was the feeling of utter flatness - nothing felt pleasurable or hopeful.
I ‘did the work’, as the slightly nauseating expression goes… I journaled, I watched videos, I listened and read, I learned about what alcohol does and why I was feeling like that*. Basically, I started building the scaffolding of an alcohol free life.
I started to feel better - more pleasure in things, making plans for the future, etc. I’m still very, very early on in this journey (day 76 today, I think), but I do feel like something has permanently shifted. I certainly haven’t gone more than a few weeks without alcohol in 35+ years, so this is pretty profound for me.
What I would say, though, is that it hasn’t just magically happened - it takes work, commitment and acceptance - acceptance that it’s not going to always be easy, that it will take looking into boxes I’ve long tried to keep closed, that it requires a total lifestyle change.
I can’t emphasise this strongly enough… if you’re going to remain alcohol free and not relapse; that is what you have to do. It’s not going to magically happen without effort - you need to retrain and rehabilitate your brain.
Read the books, watch the videos, attend the meetings if you need to (Smart Recovery online, or AA if that appeals to you), join all the groups you can (the Alcohol Explained group on Facebook is good, as are the books), write, write, write what you’re learning and feeling. Get some therapy if you possibly can.
Most importantly, accept that you will still feel crap sometimes, and that you need to consciously choose and prepare different ways of dealing with challenging feelings.
*Why I was like that (and every drinker and taker of other drugs is like that) is because alcohol and other drugs fuck up the dopamine cycle in our brains (which is often already compromised due to genetics and trauma). Happy to say more about this if you’re interested.
It sounds like with the amount you’re drinking, you might need detox? Can you speak to your GP or local drug and alcohol service?